Drew Bledsoe's Blog

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Viva La Resolution!

It's almost game time, but I realized I forgot to post my New Years Resolutions. Here they are:

- Finally gonna figure out that whole "Half the distance to the goal" thing. I mean, when do we use it, when do we not. I still don't REALLY get it.

- Invent a new Burger. This has been my resolution for the past... probably 25 years. It has lead me to the creation of: The All-Ketchup Burger (dehydrated tomato paste goes a long way), the DrewBurger (four all beef patties on a sesame seed patty), the Weightless SphereBurger (which turned out to be just a levitating meatball), the Buffalo Burger (put a piece of bread on top of a Buffalo, and another one on the bottom of the buffalo, deep fry it and enjoy) and of course next year the Philly Chili Cheese Bang.

- Start a poetry blog. I think people will probably get really into it. And it'll give me something to do in the off-season.

- No more guessing when I can't help my son Stuart out with math homework. Most adults have pretty much forgotten their times tables by now, and I am no exception. It's time for me to 'fess up instead of blindly saying "64. That one is 64, too. Pretty sure its 64." I mean, let's get reasonable here, it's rarely 64. I shoulda chosen a more popular answer like.. 26? Isn't that 4 x 6? Anyway, he's getting a D+ in math and I feel partly responsible. No more.

- "Turf Toe." That's another thing I don't really know... 14 seasons in, I don't know "Turf Toe" and I don't know "Half the Distance to the Goal." Isn't that kind of endearing!?

- And lastly, no more quoting Borat and no more pranks on Tony Romo ............. NOT!!!!!!!

All right, be back later tonight after we lose to the worst team in the NFL at home.

Happy New Years Everybody!

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Hey Y'all. This week has been really crazy. My mind has been racing. I've been jotting down my quick thoughts:

- They say winning is a great deodorant. Which is probably why Romo stinks so much -- Also I farted on his helmet this morning.

- Practice is a human zoo this week. I haven't seen this much media around a team since my SECOND SuperBowl.

- I asked Coach why he was sticking with a proven loser for the most important stretch of our season. He told me not to talk to him while he was taking a crap. Duly noted.

- I say SECOND SuperBowl because some people haven't even been to one.

- My son already put one of his Christmas presents in the trashcan today! I guess that's to be expected when you buy your kid garbage bags for Christmas. Ungrateful prick wouldn't know 'heavy duty' if it jumped out from under his bed at night just to scare the hell out of him.

- Rumor has it Homo is dating American Idol winner Clay Aiken. No comment.

- They say the saddest football movie of all time is Brian's Song. Incorrect. The saddest football movie is a shot for shot real-time remake of any Cowboys game this season in which Homo started. And in a close second: Necessary Roughness.

- Instead of the Heimlich Maneuver, I'm teaching my kids to just breathe through their nose when they're choking on something. That's what I call parenting with dignity.

- I've received many user emails regarding the same question, and I wanted to respond to them: Yes, I'm still going out as team captain for coin flips, and yes I'm calling it correctly almost 50% of the time! No big deal.

- My fantasy team WON the Superbowl! Many of you know, I'm in a four team keeper league with my sons, and my six running back barrage of LJ/LT/Sjax/Gore/Alexander/Tiki were too much to overcome (I can't believe I didn't start Ron Dayne though!)

- I've started to get a haircut every day after lunch.

- People have been asking me what my latest prank on Homo was. Why not just call him yourself? LOL!

- Everybody knows I have a favorite animal: The Moth. But I think I'm almost ready to comitt to a certain type of moth as my favorite.

- I promised my kids I'd take them to DisneyLand if we got a first round bye. Do you have any idea how hard it is to look at your four children and tell them "Tony Homo has single handedly cancelled your guys' vacation to DisneyLand... Also, he made you all appointments to the dentist!"

- My top ten Burgers of 2006 are: Combined into one large Burger and eaten for brunch.

I just wanted to end this post with a video of Homo I found on YouTube (I guess they opened it up recently to include videos of non hall-of-famers. Kind of a stupid idea if you ask me...)

I mean, get a load of this idiot!

By the looks of his pen strokes it seems like he wrote: "Dear Diary, This idiot thinks I'm Drew Bledsoe! I hope he doesn't mind I'm using his poster as a journal! Love, Tony Homo."


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Stumbling Towards the Finish Line

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
An overrated QB.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two interceptions,
And an overrated QB.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three times sacked,
Two interceptions,
And an overrated QB.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four...turtle doves,
Three times sacked,
Two interceptions,
And an overrated QB.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five ... golden rings,
Four ... Interceptions?
Three I forget...
Two turtle doves,
And an overrated QB!!!

You see, the problem is, I was going to make the song with twelve errors in Homo's game, but I didn't really have anything in between two interceptions and fifteen incompletions... And the song only goes up to twelve. But the message is loud and clear.

Well, what is there to be said that hasn't already?

First off, I'm not going to say I told you so... because that won't accomplish anything. I will type it though, so you guys can read it: I TOLD YOU SO!

I know you guys aren't here to read my opinion, so here are some cold hard facts, courtesy of my friend DaveMeggett in the comments section: (Dave, I am assured is a registered fully licensed statistician)

First 5 games of season with ME starting:
29.4 ppg/ Total (361.8) yds per game

Last 5 Games with ROMO starting:
24.6ppg / Total (340) yds per game

And now we're late enough in the season to look at common opponents, such as The Eagles.

When I was quarterback, we only lost by 14 on the road against McNabb.
With Homo at quarterback, we lost by 16 at home against Jeff Garcia.

I don't want to get too antagonizing, but I think an actual big tuna would be able to see that this team was better off before the quarterback change. Nothing too big, just like a 30 pound Blackfin Tuna. Man, what I would give just like to catch one and ask him point blank "Was changing quarterbacks a big mistake or not!?"

T.O and Terry are angry "about the offense" not "playing aggressive enough." Translation: We're working on fashioning a Carrie Underwood shaped bomb to lure our QB into a trap and then explode his arms off.

Coach said "There's nothing good to say. We just didn't make any plays at all, either side of the ball. Just awful." Translation: Romo ruined Christmas. And to a lesser extent, Boxing Day (Canada).

But, life is not all about football. This is the holiday season, so let's move onto more pressing matters:

Half of you reading this post will be familiar with a fast food Burger joint called "Hardee's" and the other half will be familiar with a fast food Burger joint called "Carl's Jr." I am sorry to report, that these two are in fact, the same restaurant.

Here, watch me prove it: Regardless of which one you are familiar with, the logo is a leaning, smiling, yellow star.


Anyway. The reason they do this is so they can roll out regional Burgers to specific markets. If you live on the west side of America, you will only see Carl's Jr. and if you love on the east side of America, you will only see Hardees.

I recently found this out because I peruse fast food restaurant websites on a daily basis to gain the latest information about innovation in Burgers and other Burger related fields (Steak Sanwiches, Chicken Sandwiches, etc.)

What I'm trying to say is, right now Carl's Jr and Hardee's have silmultaneously released two seperate Burgers available exclusively in their restaurants. Hardee's unveiled the Chili Cheese ThickBurger (not available at Carl's Jr.) and Carl's Jr. released the Philly Cheeseteak Burger (Not available at Hardees), which is actually a philly cheesesteak ON TOP of a burger. (both pictured below)

On my scale of 1-100 grams of fat, the Chili Cheese ThickBurger came in with a respectable 60 grams of fat, while the Philly Cheesesteak Burger was given a disappointing 55 grams of fat rating.

While these Burgers are probably somewhat delicious on their own, through the miracles of modern science, I've been able to ascertain how miraculously delicious they would be as one sandwich!

That's right, you are currently salivating at 115 grams of delicious Burger on Burger fat. Once I start my Burger joint (Bledsoe's Grill and Grill) I would undoubtably sell this Chilly Philly Cheese Bang ThickBurger -- with a side of mashed Burgers for dipping.

Until then, your best bet is to go to the furthest east Carl's Jr. in McAlester Oklahoma (tell Gene I say Hi, and I'll be back soon) and then the furthest west Hardees in Emporioa, Kansas (Tell Robby "Drew will be back, don't you worry.")

To those of you who are on vacation until January 2nd, I highly recommend this road trip.

ps - After the game Monday I had some fun with Romo by hitting the showers with my helmet on. You shoulda seen the look on his face when I was finished shampooing my helmet... Totally Punked.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Ho Ho Homo! Merry Christmas!

Christmas and football.

There are other sports/holiday pairings, (Memorial Day/Basketball, Labor Day/Baseball, Boxing Day/Boxing) but nothing goes together quite like Christmas and football.

I think Jesus would have made a great tight end.

Luckily, the Cowboys are at home Christmas day against the Eagles, so my family and I got to spend all day putting up Christmas decorations around the house. It was hard locating a stocking big enough to fit a "Romo Christmas Day Loss" but I think I finally found one!

As you guys know, I'm usually pretty optimistic about the Cowboy's chances to win football games. However, it's going to be pretty sweet watching Romo playing Grinch this Monday and ruining thousands of peoples' Christmas. If only I could trick him into wearing my personalized "Santa isn't Real" Cowboys #9 Jersey...

I am a little dissappointed though. I was hoping that Donovan would make the trip to Dallas, and we could discuss our... similar situations. I'm sure if there is anybody who knows what I'm going through its Donovan McNabb.

We were two football gods.... replaced by mortals. Yes, we have both taken a back seat to some overhyped "back-up."

I know what you're thinking, "But, McNabb was replaced by Garcia because he was injured. He tore his ACL. You are completely healthy. It's not really the same at all."

Weak argument.

First of all, I am injured. I have back spasms. And... I have... Plantar Fasciitis. Kay?

Secondly, you think for a second that Donovan McNabb, torn ACL and all, couldn't be out there competing at a level higher than Garcia? By the same token, don't you think I could overcome my spasms and that other thing I have, to play better than Homo? Well we can. And it kills us to watch these crackers take our starting spots! Donovan is a brother of mine from another mother...of mine. Two mothers, one brother. Does that make sense?

Yes, he's only been to one SuperBowl and I've been to two. And yes, he has less completions and touchdowns in his career than I do, but that doesn't mean that he's not a good quarterback!

Donovan is a family man, just like myself, and for us to lose our starting jobs to these... well... let's just say T.O. told me a lot about Jeff Garcia that I can't repeat right now because this is a family blog. Also, because I'm not really sure how to spell "Tea-bagging." Is there a hyphen in there, or not?

Either way, I was just saying that I'm sad because before this season, I'm sure the fans were looking forward to two future hall of famers going at it Christmas day, and instead they have to watch a couple of girls play catch with the opposing defense.

I understand that the audience feels like little kids again. They expected to wake up early Christmas morning, run downstairs and see boxes big enough to fit bycicles under the tree. Instead they run downstairs and notice their uncle, drunk in a Santa costume, passed out with a massive headwound near where the tree should have been, but now is not. I'm sorry kids, there will be no Christmas this year.

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Drew Bledsoe Fantasy Player Rankings - 2007 Edition!

I've given a good amount of fantasy advice on this blog in the past (Draft me, Trade Romo, Bench any of our wide receivers until I'm playing again, start any defense that plays against Romo, etc.) and if you've been following the advice closely, you should be in the SuperBowl this week. I know I am. (4 team keeper league against my sons.)

However, for those who find themselves on the outside looking in, it's never too early to start scouting for the 2007 draft. To help you out, I spent practice today hiding in the bathroom scribbling notes for my first annual "Drew Bledsoe Fantasy Player Rankings - 2007 Edition!"

1a. Drew Bledsoe: This was SUCH a hard decision because I didn't know whether to put me or LT2 (LaDanian Tomlinson) at 1a or 1b. Ultimately, and such is the case with fantasy, you have to go with your gut. The reason I'm giving myself the edge is only because LT2 will probably fall victim to the Madden Curse (see: Shaun Alexander), which as we all know, affects only African-Americans ages 21-34.

1b. LaDanian Tomlinson: Let's break down the numbers: LaDanian has a paltry two touchdowns passing this year, as opposed to my seven. Also note that I've played in HALF as many games as LT2 because of my... situation (back spasms, etc.) For those of you lucky enough to have the first TWO picks in your draft due to clever trading in a keeper league (Like myself, I traded several dinners and hugs over the past year and now hold the first nine picks in next years draft) you guys are lucky you don't have such a tough decision to make. Always plan ahead.

3. Larry Johnson: This guy is without a doubt the third best player in fantasy next year. Unless the Chiefs sign me, in which case his ranking shoots up to 1b. Through Rain or Shine (my nicknames for Trent Green and Damon Huard) this guy has produced. I'm not sure if I agree with the gang symbol he flashes after each touchdown run, unless he's symbolizing a Burger patty.

4. Steven Jackson: If your league offers bonus points for dreadlocks, like mine does, then Steven Jackson is a must next year. I traded him this year for a Burger (my son was starving) and it was the best fantasy trade I had ever made. As I said with Larry, if I get picked up by the Rams in the offseason, move S.Jax up your depth chart to 1b.

5. Frank Gore: This guy was my sleeper pick of the year. I took him so late in the draft, my kids were already asleep. (I was given free reign during rounds 7,8, and 9.) I knew when Kevan Barlow left the Niners last year, that this guy was ready to be a stud, and he did not prove me wrong. Luckily, in my league, we start 7 running backs. I know, that's a little unorthodox, but in just one season Mr. Gore has gone from a great flex to a dependable #1. Great pick-up in the middle first round next year.

6. Clinton Portis: After his shoulder injury this pre-season Clinton Portis came up to me and said "Drew. I would GLADLY dislocate my other shoulder with my already dislocated shoulder just to see you on Redskins next year." I told him "Clinton, thank you. But if you ever talk to me again while I'm eating a Burger, you won't have to dislocate your other shoulder, because I'll be doing it for you!" He laughed and tried to hug me, then walked away. Either way, hes a solid number 6 in next year's draft.

7. Peyton Manning: I don't like picking a non-Me quarterback so high in the draft, because running backs win fantasy games but if you're going to take the risk, might as well do it on Peyton. I rank quarterbacks on a CTD scale (Closest to Drew Scale) where I am 100 and the higher your ranking, the closer you are to me, the lower your CTD raw score, higher you are on the CTD weighted scale, and Peyton comes in at a whopping 11. So.

8. Shaun Alexander: The story of this year was, how high did you draft Alexander, and were you able to trade him? I picked him second overall this year but was lucky to trade him AFTER his injury for Willy Parker, Larry Fitzgerald, and Brandon Jacobs (I just grounded my kids so they couldn't watch Sportscenter. All's fair in love and fantasy.) Alexander is going to be the biggest wildcard in next year's draft, but for those looking to make a safe risk late in the first round, I say go for it.

9. Willy Parker: Let me give you some numbers (all estimates, not researched) - in 2005 Willy Parker gained 1,729 yards rushing, another 390 receiving and led the AFC in touchdowns with 13. All this while only fumbling the ball ONCE! ONCE! If my guesses are anywhere near true, Willy will be a real STEEL at the end of the first round. Pun intended.

10. Steve Smith: I hate spending a first round draft pick on a wide receiver, but if you're also getting the first pick in the next round, I can deal with it. As for me, I was able to acquire Steve Smith through a loophole in my league, whereas somebody can shout "Supersonic Player Theft - Steve Smith!" during the draft and just gain rights to that player. Unfortunately for my three boys, the move can only be used once a draft, and I usually spring it on them pretty early (sometimes even hours before the draft begins, while they're still at school)

11. Brian Westbrook : I've realized that when it comes to draft behavior, it's stupid to avoid a certain player because he is "injury prone." After eleven years of fantasy I've learned that it is nearly impossible to predict player injuries. Brian Westbrook this year is a perfect example. I love the bonus receiving yards he can give you out of the backfield. I also love the nickname I gave him -- "Burgers." Yup, Burgers Westbrook is a key addition to any fantasy team.

12. Reggie Bush : Look at this kid's productivity for the second half of the year, and in specific, week 13: 37 rushing yards, 131 receiving yards and 4 touchdowns. Extrapolate that over the course of an entire season? This guys is due to blow up for 2,096 receiving yards, 592 rushing yards, and 64 touchdowns. Those are Drew Bledsoe numbers. This guy can flat out play. (Still talking about me, though.)

13. Chicago Defense/ST : Defense is a wildcard, and you'll never know what you're going to get, so if you can secure a consistent 10-30 points every week, and you can trust yourself to find solid 3-7th round picks, why not pick up the Bears defense? Or better yet, pin the owner of another team down against the bathroom floor with your knee pressed firmly against his back until he agrees to trade you the Bears D for Kurt Warner. When he finally succumbs to the pain he'll make that trade. "Daddy was just kidding. You little bitch." All trades are final though.

14. Drew Bledsoe: I know what you're thinking -- twice? in one draft? Yup, it's legal in some leagues.

15. Brandon Jacobs: With Tiki gone, I really like Brandon Jacobs for a second round pick. This guy is a 100% Burger eating American. I told you guys before that I usually see him on the sidelines gnawing on a cleat, well his intensity doesn't stop there. I hear, over the course of the season, he's almost eaten an entire helmet. He wants to time it so that he's eating the chin strap by week 17. Simply incredible. If there's anybody who could tie me in a Burger eating competition its Mr. Jacobs. And that is high praise.

16. Chad Johnson: Love him or hate him, you have to admire the fact that people can either love or hate him. He's a man you hate to love and love to hate and I admire that. You don't have to love him, but you do have to ADMIRE the fact that some people love him. But, you may hate him, and thats okay, too. As long as you admire him as well. I admire that.

17. Drew Brees: This guys reminds me of myself when I was short and ugly. He's like the opposite of Hurricane Katrina. He was a fantasy powerhouse this year. I expect a slight drop off in productivity, but he's still the best Non-me, Non-Peyton quarterback around. A respectable 18 on the CTD scale.

18. Terrell Owens: A triple threat like myself (Football player/Author/Professional Badass!), this guy is a perfect addition to any fantasy team who's looking for some excitement in 2007. Will Terrell play every game next season? Will he be suspended? Will he end his own life? You never know with this joker! So draft him, (or steal him) and prepare for the rollercoaster ride of your life!

19. Stephen Gostkowski: Trust me.

20. Tony Romo: Just in case your league gives bonus points for throwing like a portobello mushroom Burger eating, drunk ballerina with two knives in each shoulder blade then whining when somebody takes a crap in your sneakers because those were your favorite socks. Just buy new socks, pussy!

All right, #21-100 are pretty self-explanatory so you guys can take it from there.

Later Skaters.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Open Letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

Dear Mr. Commissioner, (aka Roger, aka Rog,)

Sorry this letter is so delayed. I meant to send you one back in September, I probably just mispelled your name or something. Anyway, congratulations and all that, your family must be very proud. I know that commissioner is a pretty tough job, and the fact that you lasted so long without a major mistake is pretty admirable.

However, I am writing to inform you that there has been a little bit of an... error, as it were, in terms of Pro-Bowl voting. It appears as if my colleague, Mr. Antonio Romo (did you know that was his real name? Is that grounds for disqualification?) was, for some inexplicable reason, added to the NFC Roster.

I think my coach said it best: "Am I surprised? I don't think that would be a strong enough word." (

In fact, according to your website ( Mr. H(R)omo was not one of the top 10 Offensive Vote Getters nor was he one of the Top 10 Text Message vote-getters. While Tom Brady was on both lists and not even voted onto the AFC team.

Mr. Commissioner, I know what you're going to say. The fans only account for 1/3 of the vote. The other 2/3 are split evenly between coach and player votes. Well let me tell you, if myself, my teammates, and my coach are any indication, Mr. Antonio McTaco Bell (I'm not racist) did not get any help in those categories.

In fact, as I recall my voting went as follows: First Place Vote: Drew Bledsoe, Second: Drew Brees, Third: Donovan McNabb without the ACL injury, Fourth: Donovan McNabb WITH the ACL injury, and fifth: Just Donovan McNabb's surgically repared ACL.

So what exactly happened here? How did a quarterback who has started only eight games in his entire career become voted onto the All-Star Team? Well, the answer is probably more obvious than you think:

For the first seven weeks of this season, it was my name on that ballot under "Dallas, QB."

After probably garnering enough votes to be named starting AFC Punter if I wanted to, I was benched as the result of a cruel anonymous practical joke. What resulted was Romo's name being placed over my own on the ballot box. Your scantron reader, probably an SC-2000 model (my brother-in-law sells these things to local schools) as a result has been reading every vote in the "Dallas-QB" slot as a vote for Romo when in fact, the majority of those votes belong to me: Drew Bledsoe.

So what do I expect? Nothing too radical.

I expect you, commissioner, to own up to the mistake. Take a look at your brother from another sport-mother David Stern and how he handled the New Ball incident. He admitted his mistake and listened to the voice of the players, reinstating the old leather ball.

My family already has their tickets to Honolulu for the weekend of February 10th as I purchase everybody a ticket during every pre-season. In an effort to get this whole ordeal over with, and to show how much of a team player I am, I am even willing to accept a reserve spot on the NFC roster.

I don't want a recount Mr. Commissioner. I believe the numbers are accurate. However, they are accurate in revealing people's confidence in myself, not in some Arena Bowl wannabee who's only got 34 quarters of NFL experience under his belt. I want an invitation Mr. Commissioner.

I think you'll make the right decision. Mainly because I know this is the holiday season, and you wouldn't want to lose a finger, or a family member, this close to Christmas, would you? Also, my lawyers have advised me to let you know that wasn't a threat, it was merely a rhetorical question.

All the best,
Drew Bledsoe

PS - Did you see that SNL Dick in a Box video? So good!

PPS - "It's My Dick-in-a-Box!" hahahaha.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Aye Carumba!

Sit down my loyal readers.

I have some very serious insider information that many of you may not be aware of. This will come as a shock to you, as it did to me when I found out.

The starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys is NOT Tony Romo. In fact, his REAL name is Antonio Ramiro Romo!

That's right. Mr. ALL American isn't all American. He's partly Mexican!!!

Now before you guys send me any emails accusing me of being a racist, I want you to know that I have NO problems with Mexicans. Some of my BEST housekeepers are Mexican (or el Salvadorian or whatever) and I still keep talk to ex-Cowboys kicker Jose Cortez at least twice a month-- mostly due to misdials because he's in my cellphonebook sandwiched between my two friends John Conroy and Jove Channing.

This isn't a matter of Mexican vs. Not Mexican. This is a matter of trust and honesty. Simply put, Antonio Ramiro Romo is a dishonest, lying Mexican.

Like I said, I don't mind the Mexican part, I just mind being lied to. "I was born in San Diego and grew up in Wisconsin," he told me once. HA! Why didn't he tell me that his grandfather was actually born in Múzquiz, Coahuila, Mexico and emigrated San Antonio, Texas as an adolescent, only 43 years before Homo's birth? What's the matter ANTONIO? Hiding something!?

You know, I should have suspected something when Homo laughed off my obsession with Burgers. He probably just preferred Burritos or Nachos or Corn or something like that instead.

Frankly, I don't know what to believe anymore. One day he introduces himself as Tony, the next I'm reading on wikipedia that his real name is Antonio. Who knows, maybe Michael Irvin was right? Maybe somewhere down the line Homo's maternal relatives were hooking up with "slave brothers." Sure it sounded crazy at the time, but with all these new details surfacing, anything can be true!

So where does that leave us? Obviously we need a new quarterback, that's not even a question. You think the Broncos would have kept Elway if one day he came out of the closet and said "My real name is Marie Jacque Elwina. That's right. I am a frenchwoman." Hell no! And this is the SAME THING.

So Antonio is out, but who can replace him? Obviously we need somebody who is American through and through. Somebody who's name leaves no doubt that it is 100% Patriotic and Honest. Somebody with more career completions (3,839) than Mexican grandparents (0). I don't want to name names (mainly because I can't even pronounce Homo's real name anymore) so I'll leave it at that. Coach can decide who he wants to lead this team. Let me just say this:

Arivaderchi Antonio, hay un nuevo sherif en ciudad!

ps - In regards to the spitting incident, I told T.O. today that I wanted him to say it, not spray it because I wanted to the news and not the weather! I laughed and laughed and then panicked a little because I then realized that TO is my only source of weather information. I would walk up to him and ask him for tomorrows highs or lows and after my little stunt T.O. has only been giving me the news. I couldn't care less about some stupid braindead senator. I want to know % chance of percipitation! I had a good thing going and I messed it up.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Caption Crunch

For the first time in a while, I found myself at home watching football on a Sunday in December.

There are many differences when you're watching football as opposed to playing it. For one, when you're at home in the comfort of your own living room, you can eat roughly 20 Burgers with all of your favorite condoments (BBQ sauce/Bacon/Salt). However, during a game you have to be sneaky about the 20 or so Burgers you eat. Maybe just go patty-only.

It's also weird watching professional quarterbacks play on television, and knowing that you are a better passer than they are -- but I'm sure anybody who caught a glimpse of Tim Rattay, David Carr, Chris Weinke, Derek Anderson, or Kyle Boller today knows exactly how that feels.

Speaking of normal, non-hall-of-famers, my friend sent me an email today with photos from today's NFL action attached. I guess he replaced the normal captions with fake captions. He told me my audience would get a kick out of them. I'm more of a Knock Knock joke kinda guy but I owe him one, so here you go. Maybe you'll understand them:

People don't realize that being a great quarterback means having a great sense of humor. That's why I can't wait for my Hall of Fame Inductation speech, which I will treat as a thirty minute stand up set.

I already have one bit planned out about an interrupting cow that knocks on somebody's door. I don't wanna give too much away so I'll just leave it at that.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I am not a Snitch

Hey all. Greetings from Atlanta.

Firstly, I wanted to say thank you to everybody in Atlanta, the fans here have been so nice to me. They keep yelling stuff like "I wish you were starting tonight!" "Hey, Coach! Start Drew! Don't let Homo play tonight! Please!"

It's great that fans just want to see the greatest talent on the field, even if it means their team losing the most important game of the season.

One exceptionally generous fan said he'd pay $1,000 of his own money just to see me play against his beloved Falcons. You gotta admire that. How many Knicks fans in the 90's would pay that much just to see Jordan beat their favorite team?

As for my prediction: The Falcons are playing at home in a must-win environment so I'm going to say Falcons 55 - Cowboys 9.

Fortunately for all you Dallas natives, odds are none of you have the NFL Network so you won't even be allowed to watch this bloodbath.

Fun fact: After Homo loses tonight, he will be a mediocre 5-4 as a closer, and I will be 3-2.
(I don't count games you start, I count games you end, so that Giants loss in week 7 is on him.)

ps - The flight to Atlanta was short, but not short enough to prevent a great practical joke on Homo. I had unloaded about 40 packets of Sugar in the Raw into my pocket, waiting for Homo to order his drink so that I could "Sweetin' the Deal" The joke would work in two phases: 1) he would think his drink was extra sweet and thus poisoned and 2) he would get cavities.

Unfortunately, Romo never ordered a drink, so while we were getting off the plane I just poured the suger all over his shoes. Sucka!

pps - I know you guys are probably wondering, and the Burgers here in Atlanta are only "Pretty Good." I printed out the top fifty Burger places before I left (as I do in every city I go to) and so far I've only attended 43 of them, and their average rating is a meager 763/1,000.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Who Wears Sports Sports?

Hey Guys.

I've gotten tons of email over the past few days. I suppose that's gonna happen when you're a triple threat (Football/Blog/Loving Burgers).

I just want to say that I can't respond to each one individually, but I DO READ THEM ALL!

In fact, some of you ask some pretty good questions and I've decided to answer them right here on my blog. I figure, why waste my answers on one adoring fan when there are millions of you out there who would (literally) die to hear what I have to say?

Ben from Los Angeles, California writes:
I've been reading a lot about Terrell Owens and how he thinks there is a snitch in the Cowboys locker room. Somebody who is constantly telling on T.O. to the media. I know you can't come out and name names, but any idea on who it is?

Hey Ben. Yeah, It's Tony Romo.

Trey from Colorado Springs, Colorado writes:
Hey Drew. You talk all the time about you being a "Future Hall of Fame" quarterback. How sure are you that you'll make it, and if you do, for what team will it be?

Trey. Am I sure I will make it to the Hall? Let me ask my 3,839 completions. Yup, they all say yes. Though you wouldn't be able to hear them over the din of 251 touchdown passes. Idiot. And as for what team? Ummm... Probably Green Bay Packers. I always liked the Packers and I'm a huge fan of Brett Favre.

Marla from Abiline, Texas writes:
Hey Drew! We're big fans of you here in Abiline! We all know the Cowboys would be better if Homo never got to start a game. But exactly how good do you think the Cowboys would be if you had started every game?

Hey Marla. First of all: no shit. I have 'big fans' in every city in Texas. Second of all we'd be 13-0 right now. Kind of a dumb question, but there's your answer, Marla.

Jared from Flaggstaff, Arizona writes:
Hey Drew. We love you here over in Arizona! Just wondering if you ever use any chat programs. I would love to talk to you sometimes!

Hey Jared. Actually my son, Stuart, recently introduced me to AOL Instant Messenger a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of addicted to it ever since. My screenname is "DrewBledsoeIsThe" because when I went to type "DrewBledsoeIsTheBestQBinTheWorld" it told me I only had 16 letters to work with. So yeah, if you want you can add me too your "buddy list" and say hi sometimes.

Trey from Colorado Springs, Colorado writes:
Hey Drew. Me again. Umm... You know you have to choose a team you played for when you make it to the Hall of Fame? You never really played for the Packers.

Jesus... okay, fine. I dunno. The Bills. There. Is that okay with you, COMMISSIONER!? What does it matter? Once you're in, you're in. Stop emailing me.

Droo from I dunno... Delaware or something writes:
Have you ever had a throwing contest with Homo? Who won?

Great question. Yes. I threw the ball for 67 yards and Homo threw it for 59! (69 yards minus a 10 yard foot fault penalty) I told him it's called a "Hail Mary" not a ... I forget what I said, but it rhymed and it was super funny.

All right, that's it from the mailbag. Remember, this weeks game is on Saturday night. I guess Homo was sick of losing on Sundays! Lol. (= laugh out loud). I'll be back tomorrow with my predictions.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Bad Feeling

I knew today was going to be bad because I spent fifteen minutes shampooing my hair in the shower this morning before I realized I hadn't even turned the water on.

I even had the same typical bad dream that I always have when something is about to go wrong. (Stuck in a giant veggie burger. Have to eat myself out). I haven't had that dream since before our Week 7 game against the Giants...

So I rushed to Valley Ranch to talk to coach before practice even began. I tried to act cool and not get ahead of myself. Armed with a tape recorder and a sweet visor, I knocked on his office and the following conversation ensued:

Me: You... wanted to see me?

Coach: No I didn't.

Me: So what's the game plan.

Coach: The game plan?

Me: I need to know who my back up is, Romo or Maddox.

Coach: We haven't signed Maddox yet, we were just looking at him.

Me: Smart move. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Coach: I'm not sure what that means... in this context.

Me: You say tomato I say tomato.

Coach: That also makes no sense right now. Do you know what phrases mean?

Me: ...Some of them.

Coach: Listen. We weren't trying Maddox out to be your back up. We were trying him out to be Romo's.

Me: Excuse me?

Coach: Romo is still our guy.

Me: Right.

Coach: I'm serious.

Me: Haha, Me too.

Coach: No you're not. You're being sarcastic. I'm being dead serious.

Me: Gotcha.

Coach: No you don't.

Me: Oh my god. You're being serious.

Coach: Drew, Tony is 5-2 as our starting quarterback.

Me: 3-2 if you don't count Indy or the Giants.

Coach: We think we have a chance at the SuperBowl with Tony.

Me: Wow... and to think I made you one of my famous 5 pound Burgers.

Coach: You're still a valuable asset to this team.

Me: ...Well, technically I didn't make the Burger yet, but plans were in motion to kidnap the cow.

Coach: You are a great mentor to Tony, and we need you here.

Me: You know how much five pounds of beef will cost you at The Butcher Shop? $59. I was gonna charge you half that.

Coach: We got three games left, and hopefully four more after that. Can I count on you?

Me: I guess.

Coach: Thanks.

Me: You know me, Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Coach: You seriously have to start learning what these phrases mean.

And just like that, I was back at practice, backing up Homo. Still no word on Maddox, not that it matters.

There was one piece of good news today, though. After practice, when I went home, one of my fans (Miles from Houston) had sent me this: (click to play)

Nice pass you fucking loser! When Terry runs that out route, hit him in stride! Also you jump like a vegan girl.

Miles told me this was the most accurate pass he could make in the game with Romo in there. That he filled up over ten, 4 gig memory cards just to capture footage of Romo not throwing a pick.

In other news:

"[Madden '07] still the most realistic form of football on the market." -- Video Game Blog.

So. I guess a bird in the hand does equal two in the bush.

Monday, December 11, 2006

We are a .500 team (The Past Two Weeks)

Ketchup on Burgers, and Forward Pass Inceptions
AFL Mergers and Romo Interceptions,
Even more Burgers and Fries like Shoestrings,
These are a few of my favorite things!

Hey everybody. Ever just feel like singin'!?

Now, I'm sure y'all are expecting me to go on a little rant about Sunday Night's game. I bet you want me to talk about how Homo is finally playing as bad as everybody thought he would, and how when put up to the challenge, Homo buckled under the pressure like a fat pilgrim.

Hell, you probably want me to bring up statistics like 16 for 33, and two interceptions. But that's not what I'm about. I don't dwell on petty things like statistics, or the past... or two interceptions.

And there's literally no reason for me to even type "four rushes for one yard" so I'm not going to. (How does that work, by the way? Is it technically a "rush" if you're only moving forward 9 inches at a time? I mean, that's shorter than the length of his foot. I guess when they say he's a 'Mobile' quarterback they're referring to the city in Alabama in which he's going to have to take up substitute teaching? Anyway.)

I mean, if you want, you can read the box score, and yes, it will tell you that Romo's completion percentage was under 50% and that he threw more passes to the Saints (2) than to Julius and Marion combined (1) -- So I'm not even going to waste my time (and yours) writing about it.

And because I'm such a class act, I'm not even gonna call Romo's one touchdown pass to TO, "a fluke" because it's not something that the Associated Press hasn't said already! So please, stop expecting me to repeat myself! Let's just move on! Jeez!

I will say one thing about Sunday's game though: Sean Payton is an amazing and brilliant offensive mind. He knows talent. He understands how to utilize his teams resources. Simply put, he understands the game of football.

I just wish I could ask him: "Who would you start if you had Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo on the same team?"

Actually, you know what? Sean Payton had to ask himself that every day last year as the assistant head coach and passing coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys, and you know what his answer was? ME!

That's right, this football genius, who could probably guide Drew Brees' birthmark to a 105.5 passer rating, had his choice all of last year between Homo and myself to guide his offense and he chose me.

And not only that, after taking the head coaching job at New Orleans he signed the only other Drew B. he knows to man his offense because "Why mess with success?" (Not a direct quote, but you get the picture)

Some more Analysis:

Not counting the Indy game (Fluke), or the Giants game (luck), Homo has lead the Cowboys to THREE victories against three teams with a combined 13-26 record (Panthers/Cardinals/Bucs).

13-26! If Homo and the Cowboys went 13-26 this season you know what people would say? Firstly, they'd be in shock because we'd have played 39 games -- or roughly two-and-a-half times the amount we were scheduled to play all season. And secondly they'd say: That's not a very good record at all.

And the most depressing thing is, against the Redskins, a divisional foe, and against the Saints, an actual NFC playoff contender, Homo choked like Latrell Sprewell at a PJ Carlesimo convention.

And then what does he tell the media?

"We just made some mistakes on things that we shouldn't have," Romo said. "We'll see what we're made of now."

First off, it's pretty sad that he's even talking like he's ever going to play another football game again in his life. After Sunday's performance, I don't even know if there is an Arena Football team in America who would give this guy a job -- and yes I even mean the Grand Rapids Rampage with their depleted passing game.

Secondly, how dare he sell my teammates short like that? "WE made some mistakes. WE'll see what WE're made of now" ??? No, Homo. We will not see. These other guys are proven winners with the right quarterback. How dare you lump them in the same boat as you?

Julius Jones did not throw two interceptions.

Patrick Crayton did not go 16-33.

Mike Vanderjagt did not rush for 1 yard on 4 carries. (Bad Example.)

You did this, Homo. These guys are like brothers to me. You? You're not even a cousin. You're barely even an aunt.

You've dug this hole. But I shall get us out of it. And if I can't, then Tommy Maddox will.

Worry not Cowboy fans. We have three weeks until the Playoffs. I'm going to do everything in my power to get us there with the best position possible and with the momentum we need to go all the way.

... Man I'm getting goosebumps that, up until this day, were reserved only for Don Cheadle commercials...

Goodbye my fans -- exciting times ahead.

ps - Short week coming up because of our game on Saturday night in Atlanta. I've already started brainstorming some airplane based jokes to make fun of Homo on our Thursday night flight. So far I have this gem:

Towards the end of the flight, I'm gonna say "DING! Ladies and Gentlemen, Homo has started his initial descent into mediocrity. At this time he asks that you put your tray table up, and your seat in its full upright and locked position."

I don't know how to pronounce "mediocrity" yet because my friend thought of the insult then emailed it to me, but as soon as I sound it out, Homo is going DOWN.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

We Did It!

This Post made it to Mosely's blog on Friday.

I think it's safe to say you, the greatest blog readers in the world, have inspired great change.

We are a little over a month away from MLK day here in America. There is no doubt in my mind that he would be proud of you all. And especially me. He loved a tight-ass spiral! Zip!

(For those confused about this post, just read the one below it.)

Thank you everybody! Gotta run, almost Game Time! (aka - LAME TIME!)

Update: The truth-bombs keep pouring in from devoted Homo haters! On Monday, Mosely admited to receiving over 150 emails from my beloved fans. Good work, America. Only 299,999,850 of you left -- I know you're reading this! We'll get my photo back atop that blog before you can say "16-of-33 for 249 yards, with two interceptions and a fluke touchdown to Terrell Owens -- Associated Press"

Thursday, December 07, 2006

MY Readers Have Spoken!


I know you guys all take the time to come here every day because I'm hilarious, I'm entertaining, and I am extremely honest. And I appreciate that. I try to give you insight into my life as candidly as possible and as humorously as possible. And just like my football career, so far this blog has been a huge success. In other words, if there were a blogging hall of fame, no doubt I would be headed there as well.

However, I am writing this post as a VERY serious warning. There will be no jokes in this post, just very stern remarks about something so ridiculous, so disrespectful, it must be addressed. If you are looking to laugh, I suggest you turn on Sportscenter and listen to "analysts" debate whether or not Homo is good enough to make the ProBowl. (L.O.L.)

Okay here it is:

There is a blog out there, I'm sure some of you cowboys fans out there have already heard of it. It is called Matt Mosley's Cowboy Blog. Matt Mosley is a sports columnist for the Dallas Morning News, the main newspaper here in Dallas/Ft. Worthless, and he mainly covers the Cowboys.

I used to respect Mr. Mosley for using his blog to report the complete, and unbiased truth. But since Homo became starter, Mr. Mosely's Pro-Romo agenda has began to surface in a major way. Simply put: Mr. Mosley's Blog is Propaganda!

I won't even begin to bore you with how many of his pro-Romo (or Promo for short) opinions he presents as fact: "Romo had a solid game today" "Romo appears to be growing more confident in the pocket." "Romo has been named NFC Player of the Month."

Jesus Christ, the people come to your blog Mr. Mosley to read about the Dallas Cowboys, not some field goal holder who recently learned how to throw a football!

Why not tell them the whole truth? Like the fact that Romo appearing to be more confident means that he used to look like a nervous girl out there? Or that he only won that stupid award because everybody else in the NFC Had an off-month? I guess you don't wanna BLOG about that, huh Mr. Mosley?

Well, I've put up with this partisan bullshit for a while, but today was the last straw. Take a look at the header graphic from Mr. Mosley's Blog a couple days ago:

In case you can't tell, those three players up there are the big three: TO, Julius Jones and of course, Myself. Makes sense, right? Well take a look at the new header graphic Mr. Mosley put up there today:

If you can't see, Mr. Mosley had the gall to REMOVE me and insert that dumb non-Burger-eating hippy in my place! And if that wasn't bad enough, he's blamed the readers for this move!

"The readers have spoken: Bledsoe is out and Romo is in at the top of the blog."

The readers have spoken!? If you stopped blogging for 30 seconds and let the readers actually speak, the only thing they would have spoken is a resounding "GO FUCK YOURSELF Mr. Mosley!"

I mean, come on! What next?

"The Readers have spoken: Mt. Rushmore now features Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, and COUNT CHOCULA!"

"The Readers have spoken: the Mona Lisa now has a 1900 steel conglomerate tycoon mustache!"

"The Readers have spoken: The Bible is now called "Tony Homo's Diary"

Well Mr. Mosley, you haven't heard what MY READERS have spoken!

That is why I want each and every one of you to email Mr. Matt Mosley at his Dallas Morning News email address, and tell him exactly what's on your mind.

That's why I need all 7.6 million of you loyal readers to tell him that his blog is a joke, and that if the header doesn't get changed back to its original form featuring Drew Bledsoe, that you are going to quit reading his little columns FOREVER.

Then Mr. Mosley will have no choice but to go to his boss and say "I have some bad news sir. You know the 600,000 subscribers we have in circulation? Well they are all threatening to cancel... Plus seven million more."

Then his boss will say "I just hope you have LaDanian Tomlinson on your fantasy team, Mr. Mosley, because that would be about the only thing you have going for yourself right now. You're fired."

And Mosley will be like, "No sir. I traded LT after week 1 for Shaun Alexander, Carnell Williams and Randy Moss. It seemed like the right decision at the time."

And his boss will be like "Pack your desk and leave."

Oh, man. Mr. Mosley, you just made the worst non-fantasy decision of your young career.

Will you join me, friends?

ps - If you email something particularly biting, leave the email as a comment, I'd like to read them all and even display a couple good ones in a future post. We can make a difference. Join the Drew-volution.

pps - I put ground beef in Homo's cleats today.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Drew Bledsoe Power Rankings

I have a secret.

Sometimes during team meetings, I like to sketch my name on the back of another team's jersey.

I imagine how good that team could be if I were their quarterback. If you sit down and think about it, I could probably lead 30 of the league's 32 teams to the Superbowl. And that's a conservative estimate. Realistically the number is probably closer to 31.5.

But exactly how good would these teams be if I were their quarterback? I sat down and really thought about it this afternoon and I came up with this: The Drew Bledsoe Power Rankings: Evaluating how every team in the NFL would be if I were their quarterback - in order of best to worst.

1) Chicago Bears: This one is a given. Bears are 10-2 and their quarterback actually makes Homo look like a decent option. All I need is a decent running back, some receivers, and a defense to keep the opposing team under the 44 points I plan on averaging. We all know how good the Bears defense is, Berrian and Mohammad are good enough, and nothing says decent running back quite like Thomas Jones. Bears with Bledsoe will look like an NFC ProBowl team. Simply Unstoppable.

2) San Diego Chargers: If you stop LT -- I'll light you up for 550 and six scores. If you stop me (Ha!) LT will run for 200 and three scores. We could have Homo playing linebacker for all I care, with weapons like myself and LT on offense, I can't possibly imagine a team that would hold us to less than... 74 points. I'll only join the Chargers under one condition: No more halfback passes by LT! The kid is stealing all my scores! Haha, just kidding LT you know I love you. Okay, scoot over Rivers, where do I sign?

3) Baltimore Ravens : Bledsoe/Heap would make the most lethal white and white tandem since Elway/McCaffrey. Though I don't see color. So don't refer to us as a white and white combo. That is racist. Flat out. And it has no place in our locker room. I'm serious. I would pass to Michael Clayton and Derrick Mason too. But they just don't get open! Okay!? Now you're putting words in my mouth!

4) Indianapolis Colts: The Colts probably have the second best QB in the league, so the improvement won't be very noticeable when they bring me in. But a slight improvement is the only thing the Colts would need to get them to the big game. And don't worry about me choking in the playoffs, I'm a proven winner: 3-3 in the postseason, and those three losses were not my fault. Football is a team game -- those wins are all me though.

5) Carolina Panthers: Keyshawn calls me once a month begging me to replace "Delhomo." I tell him, "Keyshawn, listen. It's 4am. Let's be reasonable here. There's a Chesterfield's in Hattiesberg Mississippi. It's about an equal 1,100 mile drive for you and me, and they make a Burger so mean, its worth the 2,200 round trip. Let's meet there in 16 hours and discuss this like men." By the time I usually get there Keyshawn hasn't left. Forget that, I'll eat his Burger and call it a day, I don't care

6) New England Patriots: Wow. Me. Coming back to New England. Replacing my old student. It's funny how everybody was so hot on Brady in 2003, but what has he done in the past four weeks? Looks like he's returning to earth and finally playing like the 6th rounder everybody expected him to be. I had a feeling it wouldn't last...

7) Denver Broncos: Gay Cutler, Gayke Plummer, Bradlee Van Gay... it doesn't matter who they bring in, and how you work the word gay into their name. This team will never be able to replace John Elway. Never ever ever ever ever! Unless of course, they sign me. Then I'll make Elway's two superbowl wins seem like a rebuilding phase.

8) Jacksonville Jaguars: Maurice Jones-Drew called me the other day. He said if I signed with the Jaguars this offseason, he'll change his name to Maurice Jones-Drew-Bledsoe. I told him, I said "Maurice. That's very nice of you. Thank you." He said, I swear on my life, he said, "You're welcome, Jesus." I'm like a Savior to these people. That's what you guys don't understand!

9) Seattle Seahawks: Finally a quarterback with a decent head of hair in Seattle. And I know what you guys are going to ask, and yes, I can throw a football so it gets lodged in between Shaun Alexander's two front teeth. I did it once at the skills challenge in Honolulu.

10) Cincinnati Bengals: Bledsoe and Ocho Cinco? Are you kidding me? I don't know Spanish so I'm not quite sure what Ocho Cinco means, but let me be the first to say "Yo Soy Hamburgesas!"

11) New York Jets: Let me just take a break from the regular commentary to say I just took an online quiz real quick, and my IQ was 185. I'm just paying the $399 right now to get the official results sent to me. Hold on a sec...

12) Kansas City Cheifs: Drew Bledsoe is EXACTLY what this team needs to forget about that Priest Holmes guy.

13) New Orleans Saints: Bledsoe/Bush/Colston - The Killer B's! Don't worry, I've already spoken with Marques about changing his last name. Nicknames like that are too hard to pass on. Besides, Bolston sounds kinda neat.

14) New York Giants: I wouldn't mind passing a few touchdowns to Plaxico every game. And that Brandon Jacobs guy looks like he can eat a mean Burger or two. In fact, in both our games against the Giants this year, I saw him gnawing on a cleat on the sidelines. One class act.

15) Philadelphia Eagles: Now, TO and I have had our differences, but he's never implied I'm anything but a 100% Burger eatin' man. I wish I could say the same for Jeff Garcia.

16) Miami Dolphins: I've been a firm believer that a team just needs a strong arm and a latin leg to reach the SuperBowl. Me and Olindo can bring to Miami what Dan Marino couldn't: Free Ace Ventura DVD's for every fan in the house!

17) Tennessee Titans: Vince Young has been getting the job done, but he's only getting older. Besides, I'd love to hit Frank Wycheck all night long with that sweet slant pass. Six in the bank.

18) Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers still have the championship defense that lead them to the Superbowl last year -- the only thing missing now is a Quarterback with a kidney, some teeth, and the common sense to wear a helmet even though he drives a Rav4: And that person is me.

19) Dallas Cowboys: How good do I think the Cowboys are? Let's just say, with me at quarterback, the only teams on earth that can stop us, are the fictional 18 teams I ranked above us, who have cloned me and have pitted me against myself. That is VERY high praise. Though the science is in place to make such an awesome playoffs occur. I just have to do more research.

20) Buffalo Bills: During my three years in Buffalo our record was 8-8, 6-10, than 9-7. If this pattern of losing two more games then winning three more than the previous season continued, the Bills would be reach the previously unattainable 19-0 by 2024. That's what I call The Bledsoe Effect.

21) San Francisco 49ers: I honestly don't know what the West Coast offense is -- I've admitted that before -- but I like what it sounds like. Does that make sense? It FEELS like something I could get on board with. That being said: Are the Niners a 15-1 football team with Drew Bledsoe? Probably not. But only because I don't forsee myself losing any games at all. 16-0 just feels more right.

22) Minnesota Vikings: Brad Johnson is old. Brad Johnson is slow, and Brad Johnson is a liability. Brad Johnson is everything I am not. Minnesota has a great defense, in which I can be held to 350/4tds and they would still come through for me. I respect that.

23) St. Louis Rams: You know that song that goes "Never made it as a wise man/ I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing/ Tired of living like a blind man/ I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling/And this is how you remind me/This is how you remind me/Of what I really am." It doesn't have much to do with the Rams, I just wanted to say how much I really love Nickelback.

24) Washington Redskins: I think in 50 years, when the smoke clears, and we can really step back and examine who the best wide receiver of all time was. I have no doubt in my mind that the answer will be, quite unanimously: Antwaan Randle El. This kid can flat out play. I like this team chances (with me as their QB) against any team in this league -- including NFL Europe, and ProBowl teams.

25) Cleveland Browns: Over the past five years this team has had five different quarterbacks lead their team in passing: Couch, Holcomb, Garcia, Dilfer, Frye. If they ever wanted to build a Mount Rushmore out of dogshit in Cleveland, these would be the five faces etched in feces. And if the Browns decide to sign me, I promise to sculpt the whole thing myself during halftime of the SuperBowl we'll be winning.

26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: You need two things to become a great quarterback: A good head of hair, and a spleen. Unfortunately right now, Bucs are shuffling between two quarterbacks who fall a little short in one category or the other. They need a nicely spleened man with hair that could support a beach umbrella. They need a hot Bledsoe injection, and they need it now.

27) Green Bay Packers: I respect Brett Favre, I really do. He's a great actor and I loved him in Something About Mary -- but the old man's lost it. Though, if I signed with Green Bay I would probably keep him around... I mean, he'd be great if the Packer Cheerleaders ever broke their T-Shirt cannon and needed somebody to blindly toss stuff around the stadium.

28) Arizona Cardinals: I would quit eating Burgers for a day for the opportunity to throw some balls to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I crunched the numbers and...Frankly, the Cardinals are who I thought they were.

29) Houston Texans: I don't care what people say, I still think they shoulda taken me with the #1 pick last year.

30) Detroit Lions: Okay, we're starting to get into the territory of teams that I would mostly likely lead to the SuperBowl, but I may not actually WIN the big game. The thing with the Lions is, they want me more than I want them, because they know I'm the one person who can call up Barry Sanders, say "Let's Do This." and he'll come back out of retirement.

31) Atlanta Falcons: Listen, I can hit several Golden Retrievers with a football from 50 yards away, (and I have -- My Uncle really wanted to win this Dog Show one time) but if my receivers can't catch my perfect throws, they're worthless.

32) Oakland Raiders: Some teams are beyond help.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Never Fly in a Brainstorm

Back from New York.

First off let me congratulate each and every reader.* You guys all outperformed Homo on Sunday. While you guys tied our field goal holder/quarterback for number of touchdowns thrown with ZERO, he actually threw two more picks than all y'all* making him less responsible for the Cowboys' victory than say, an average fan.

So let me be the first to say "Congratulations," because evidently, each one of you is going to the ProBowl!

That's pretty exciting, right? How does it feel? Take it from somebody who's been to the ProBowl more than a ninja turtle handfull, this is an honor. You guys will LOVE Hawaii.

Now who wants to phone Drew Brees and tell him that while his record setting pace for yardage is cute, people believe football's allstar game would rather feature a struggling rookie and roughly 150,000 blog readers? I would ask the media to do it, but these empty vacuous idoleters, who flock to Valley Ranch at the base of Mt. Sinai to worship this "Golden Boy" are unable to speak, for their mouths are so full with the metaphorical jizm that is Tony Romo's unparalleled ego, stroked and manifested into an allegorical goo, that the only words they can muster out of those tense, pursed lips are those of unfounded praise for America's new hero-of-the-week -- The Emporer of Professional Sports in New Clothes that thinly mask the all-too-visible insecurities and inexperience that will eventually lead to the downfall of one of the most respected organizations in organized athletics!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now. Onto more pressing matters.

I was able to spend the majority of our three hour flight from JFK to Dallas/FtWorth thinking of potential business ideas. Yes, I'm a multimillionaire now, but retirement is only 10-15 years away and I want to make sure I keep myself that way. Here are some sure-fire ideas that will easily net me anywhere in the 50-100 million dollar range (anually).

By reading this sentence you promise not to steal my ideas. Happy, Gary!? (Gary is my lawyer and he strongly advised me against giving away my multi million dollar secrets. You greedy, Jew bastard!) (Don't worry, Gary and I went to Jr. High together, I can tease him like that.)

Without futher ado: Drew Bledsoe's Brilliant Business Ideas

By the way, notice how that font up there is all slanty-like? That's italics! Bet you guy didn't know I was bilingual.

Business Idea #1: Fantasy Airlines.

You know how when you're taking a flight -- you usually get on board, and the pilot is just some random nobody whose job it is to fly a plane? Not with Fantasy Airlines!

Welcome to the only airline where the pilot is none other than yours truly: Future Hall of Fame Quarterback Drew Bledsoe!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride while I regail you with stories and statistics about my illustrious career.

I already thought of a sweet catch phrase: "*ding* You are now free to have me not be a boring normal nobody."

Business Idea #2: Burgers Shaped like Baked Lays in a Potato Chip Bag.

Oh wait, I almost forgot to mention the best part about Fantasy Airlines. Instead of peanuts, we have really tiny mini Burgers (patent pending) shaped like peanuts in a mini peanut bag.

Kay, business idea #2 is Burgers Shaped like Baked Lays in a Potato Chip Bag. Pretty self explanatory there. Just a best of both worlds situation.

Business Idea #3: A dictionary you can eat.

That one is probably my favorite, only because most people wouldn't think to invent it. It's kinda hard to explain but really revolutionary, right? Not a lot of people can imagine something like that. But then again not a lot of people have 251 NFL touchdowns, over 44,000 passing yards, four ProBowls and a SuperBowl ring.

Not bad for a Back Up quarterback, huh!?

Allright, I better go. Told the wife I'd pick up my baby girl from her first soccer practice, and that ended like, what, four hours ago? Haha, daddy's sorry sweetheart, but he just got very Justernicious today. What's that? You don't know what Justernicious means? Oh well, I guess you can't understand why daddy was now, four hours and one minute late in picking you up. Haha. Later guys.

PS - If you ever hear people saying that we won in "Dramatica" fashion this week, let me know, because I coined that phrase and I am going to get some major royalties. You can ask anybody on the second string that I said that word last week for the first time ever and people thought I was saying "Dracula" but I wasn't. Well one time I was talking about renting my favorite movie: Dracula: Dead and Loving it, but then another time I clearly remember saying "Dramatica." It was super clever and now everybody's stealing it, so let me know. Okay, now I really better go cuz I'm four hours and twenty minutes late and I'm starting to feel a little bad.

*Not talking to you, Rex.
** Still. Not you, Rex.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Leaving on a Private Jet Plane

I gotta make this post quick because I have a flight to catch to New York, but my friend just sent me this video:

I guess YouTube is this site where people upload sweet video homages to popular athletes or something.

Anyway, I just wanted everybody to note that I was able to elude about 11 defenders on one play (six pump fakes!), and still find the open man for a score.

Yes, this was footage from a video game (maybe), but it was a video game that GamePro gave 9.5 out of 10 and referred to it as "The most realistic football game ever." But what would GamePro know about video games, right!?

Anyway, if anybody wants to record them playing a video game as Homo and getting sacked or throwing a bunch of picks and upload it to YouTube that would be awesome. Just leave the link in the comments and I'll post it on a future entry.

Once more people find out about this YouTube and realize its just filled with highlites of me -- and Homo sucking virtual ass -- coach will have no choice but to let me start. I just hope it happens before the playoffs because I'll need a week to shake the rust off.

PS - Today at practice I tied Homo's shoelaces together because I'm a pretty good practical joker. He just lifted his cleats up, acted pleasantly surprised, and threw them over his shoulder walking towards his car... In retrospect I shoulda tied them together while his shoes were still on or something. Whatever, it was still hilarious.