Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Bad Feeling

I knew today was going to be bad because I spent fifteen minutes shampooing my hair in the shower this morning before I realized I hadn't even turned the water on.

I even had the same typical bad dream that I always have when something is about to go wrong. (Stuck in a giant veggie burger. Have to eat myself out). I haven't had that dream since before our Week 7 game against the Giants...

So I rushed to Valley Ranch to talk to coach before practice even began. I tried to act cool and not get ahead of myself. Armed with a tape recorder and a sweet visor, I knocked on his office and the following conversation ensued:

Me: You... wanted to see me?

Coach: No I didn't.

Me: So what's the game plan.

Coach: The game plan?

Me: I need to know who my back up is, Romo or Maddox.

Coach: We haven't signed Maddox yet, we were just looking at him.

Me: Smart move. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Coach: I'm not sure what that means... in this context.

Me: You say tomato I say tomato.

Coach: That also makes no sense right now. Do you know what phrases mean?

Me: ...Some of them.

Coach: Listen. We weren't trying Maddox out to be your back up. We were trying him out to be Romo's.

Me: Excuse me?

Coach: Romo is still our guy.

Me: Right.

Coach: I'm serious.

Me: Haha, Me too.

Coach: No you're not. You're being sarcastic. I'm being dead serious.

Me: Gotcha.

Coach: No you don't.

Me: Oh my god. You're being serious.

Coach: Drew, Tony is 5-2 as our starting quarterback.

Me: 3-2 if you don't count Indy or the Giants.

Coach: We think we have a chance at the SuperBowl with Tony.

Me: Wow... and to think I made you one of my famous 5 pound Burgers.

Coach: You're still a valuable asset to this team.

Me: ...Well, technically I didn't make the Burger yet, but plans were in motion to kidnap the cow.

Coach: You are a great mentor to Tony, and we need you here.

Me: You know how much five pounds of beef will cost you at The Butcher Shop? $59. I was gonna charge you half that.

Coach: We got three games left, and hopefully four more after that. Can I count on you?

Me: I guess.

Coach: Thanks.

Me: You know me, Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Coach: You seriously have to start learning what these phrases mean.

And just like that, I was back at practice, backing up Homo. Still no word on Maddox, not that it matters.

There was one piece of good news today, though. After practice, when I went home, one of my fans (Miles from Houston) had sent me this: (click to play)

Nice pass you fucking loser! When Terry runs that out route, hit him in stride! Also you jump like a vegan girl.

Miles told me this was the most accurate pass he could make in the game with Romo in there. That he filled up over ten, 4 gig memory cards just to capture footage of Romo not throwing a pick.

In other news:

"[Madden '07] still the most realistic form of football on the market." -- 1up.com Video Game Blog.

So. I guess a bird in the hand does equal two in the bush.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry Drew, you'll be there when the Cowboys really need you, when they take a step back and step off their high road and say "How is the pick-throwing, salad-eating, less-talent-in-his-whole-body-than- Drew-Bledsoe-has-in-his-eyelash Tony Homo gonna win us a Super Bowl? Huh, he can't!" And that will be when Parcells comes to you and unveils his master plan, let the other teams think they would be playing Homo in the playoffs, but really, put in the legend himself, Mr. Drew Bledsoe. Remember Drew, look before you leap.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew - Please come to Houston now. Please come be a quarterback again.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DREW! T.O. almost came right out and said you were a "snitch" today sitting in front of his locker! What a non-buger eating, pain killer poppin, pass droppin gay blade! When Big Bill puts you back in Saturday night .. set him up across the middle .. SMACK! ooo .. see how he likes them snitches .. er stiches!

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Young quarterbacks suck. I know this because as a quarterback for the New England Patriots (in Madden), I wore #11 in honor of you, and threw 46 touchdowns while I was 37 years old. Then I got was benched for Lawrence G[r]ay. The R is silent. I retired and was inducted into the Hall with you.

Down with Romo!

5:43 AM  
Blogger GreenEgg said...

Hey Drew - Do you know that you earned more points in my fantasy league last weekend than Tom Brady did? Maybe you should mention that to the Tuna - "I earned more points sitting on the bench than Tom Brady earned laying on his back!"


10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Dr. Bledsoe, (I say "Doctor" in reverence) I just want to tell you first off that this is my first post, and as such, I'm a tid nervous.... Ok, its go time...
Every day (Monday through Friday), my entire BIMM (Business Imaging and Multimedia Management) class make our pilgrimage to our beloved TonyHomo.com. Its like religion to us. We read, we laugh, we cry, we eat delicious, delectable burgers over our keyboards (much to the dismay of our anal-retentive instructor). I would like to tell you something you already know, we love you. We believe (and by "we" I mean the 10 or so Drew-volutionists in BIMM class) that Homo is indeed a homo, and should be drawn and quartered... Or just benched... and re-replaced by God himself, DREW MOTHER-LOVING BLEDSOE! In fact, one of the more zealous believers created an homage to Homo's interceptions in Adobe Photo Shop Elements 2.0. It was glorious! All those pictures of Homo's disappointed face as Jason Craft (And Countless others) picked off his weak-ass spirals...Just wonderful! It soothes my soul to see Homo in such a state of deep depression. (Oh, by the way, Homo's career yardage is only 1/20 as much as the Doctor's yardage)And that conversation with Coach in the last post... I totally read what you were saying, Doctor. That imbecile of a coach should read a dictionary, or at least go back to his local community college and get his G.E.D. Or something along those lines, you know, just self-improvement. Oh, and since I've already told you something you know, I'll attempt to tell you something you DON'T know (An almost insurmountable feat). OK, so I'm taking a statistics class in my high scholl, right? Well, I thought it just be a review of the Doctor's stats, but apparently not. Its all about Probability and whatnot. So here goes... The probability of Homo getting into the NFL Hall of Fame as a QB in Dallas is .005 (A), and the Probability of You, Doctor, getting into the Great Hall in Dallas is .9925 (B). So, the P(A&B)= 0%. its kinda complicated, but basically, what I'm saying is, the Probability of Homo AND the Doctor being inducted is ZERO percent. Just go with me on this... So, if Parcells doesn't get his act together, and realize that the Doctor is the way to go, Drew may not get into the NFL Hall of Fame playing for Dallas...(I know, its a grim possibility) BUT, the good news is, The Berlin Thunder of the European Football League had a bad season last year, and Drew may be the man to bring them to their first WORLD BOWL (WORLD BOWL!!! Not just Super Bowl). I hear that Germany is beautiful in the Spring, just give it a thought, Doctor.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Drew- Long time no see buddy! Just found your site and wanted to drop you a note. Remember all those good times we had last year? Remember I would always come running over and help you up after every play? Remember the time Strahan pushed me over and knocked the ball out of your hand? I almost recovered that one! Good times, man, good times!

Hey, I'm feeling your pain with Homo boy. At least you're still on the team though. Me? I got cut! Now I'm on the Saints and not playing here either. All because of Marc Freakin Colombo!! Wait a minute....Homo, Colombo. Maybe we should change our names to Bledsoeo and Petitio, then Coach would have to play us.

And you know what else sucks? All the credit Coach Payton is getting for beating you guys last week. It was actually me who gave Brees all the insider info on you guys. And who do you think played Colombo on the scout team last week? Yep, yours truly! And what was really funny was when I let my guy go every play and sack the scout team Homo. You'd have been proud.

Hey, quick trivia question. Who's the only player not to allow Dwight Freeny a sack in college? Give up? You guessed it! ME! Rob Petitti! How many sacks did Colombo give up in college? This one could take a while, I'll get back to you.

Burger time!! Talk to you soon, Buddy!

2:44 PM  
Blogger BobbyB said...

Tough break, Drew. You'll get back out there one day.

On a more serious and literal note, this idea for a blog as Drew Bledsoe, is genius.

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You thought you could prank call me and no one would ever find out. Too bad I can work a computer too. Your antics will not go unpunished Bledsew.

7:45 PM  
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3:58 AM  

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