Monday, December 11, 2006

We are a .500 team (The Past Two Weeks)

Ketchup on Burgers, and Forward Pass Inceptions
AFL Mergers and Romo Interceptions,
Even more Burgers and Fries like Shoestrings,
These are a few of my favorite things!

Hey everybody. Ever just feel like singin'!?

Now, I'm sure y'all are expecting me to go on a little rant about Sunday Night's game. I bet you want me to talk about how Homo is finally playing as bad as everybody thought he would, and how when put up to the challenge, Homo buckled under the pressure like a fat pilgrim.

Hell, you probably want me to bring up statistics like 16 for 33, and two interceptions. But that's not what I'm about. I don't dwell on petty things like statistics, or the past... or two interceptions.

And there's literally no reason for me to even type "four rushes for one yard" so I'm not going to. (How does that work, by the way? Is it technically a "rush" if you're only moving forward 9 inches at a time? I mean, that's shorter than the length of his foot. I guess when they say he's a 'Mobile' quarterback they're referring to the city in Alabama in which he's going to have to take up substitute teaching? Anyway.)

I mean, if you want, you can read the box score, and yes, it will tell you that Romo's completion percentage was under 50% and that he threw more passes to the Saints (2) than to Julius and Marion combined (1) -- So I'm not even going to waste my time (and yours) writing about it.

And because I'm such a class act, I'm not even gonna call Romo's one touchdown pass to TO, "a fluke" because it's not something that the Associated Press hasn't said already! So please, stop expecting me to repeat myself! Let's just move on! Jeez!

I will say one thing about Sunday's game though: Sean Payton is an amazing and brilliant offensive mind. He knows talent. He understands how to utilize his teams resources. Simply put, he understands the game of football.

I just wish I could ask him: "Who would you start if you had Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo on the same team?"

Actually, you know what? Sean Payton had to ask himself that every day last year as the assistant head coach and passing coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys, and you know what his answer was? ME!

That's right, this football genius, who could probably guide Drew Brees' birthmark to a 105.5 passer rating, had his choice all of last year between Homo and myself to guide his offense and he chose me.

And not only that, after taking the head coaching job at New Orleans he signed the only other Drew B. he knows to man his offense because "Why mess with success?" (Not a direct quote, but you get the picture)

Some more Analysis:

Not counting the Indy game (Fluke), or the Giants game (luck), Homo has lead the Cowboys to THREE victories against three teams with a combined 13-26 record (Panthers/Cardinals/Bucs).

13-26! If Homo and the Cowboys went 13-26 this season you know what people would say? Firstly, they'd be in shock because we'd have played 39 games -- or roughly two-and-a-half times the amount we were scheduled to play all season. And secondly they'd say: That's not a very good record at all.

And the most depressing thing is, against the Redskins, a divisional foe, and against the Saints, an actual NFC playoff contender, Homo choked like Latrell Sprewell at a PJ Carlesimo convention.

And then what does he tell the media?

"We just made some mistakes on things that we shouldn't have," Romo said. "We'll see what we're made of now."

First off, it's pretty sad that he's even talking like he's ever going to play another football game again in his life. After Sunday's performance, I don't even know if there is an Arena Football team in America who would give this guy a job -- and yes I even mean the Grand Rapids Rampage with their depleted passing game.

Secondly, how dare he sell my teammates short like that? "WE made some mistakes. WE'll see what WE're made of now" ??? No, Homo. We will not see. These other guys are proven winners with the right quarterback. How dare you lump them in the same boat as you?

Julius Jones did not throw two interceptions.

Patrick Crayton did not go 16-33.

Mike Vanderjagt did not rush for 1 yard on 4 carries. (Bad Example.)

You did this, Homo. These guys are like brothers to me. You? You're not even a cousin. You're barely even an aunt.

You've dug this hole. But I shall get us out of it. And if I can't, then Tommy Maddox will.

Worry not Cowboy fans. We have three weeks until the Playoffs. I'm going to do everything in my power to get us there with the best position possible and with the momentum we need to go all the way.

... Man I'm getting goosebumps that, up until this day, were reserved only for Don Cheadle commercials...

Goodbye my fans -- exciting times ahead.

ps - Short week coming up because of our game on Saturday night in Atlanta. I've already started brainstorming some airplane based jokes to make fun of Homo on our Thursday night flight. So far I have this gem:

Towards the end of the flight, I'm gonna say "DING! Ladies and Gentlemen, Homo has started his initial descent into mediocrity. At this time he asks that you put your tray table up, and your seat in its full upright and locked position."

I don't know how to pronounce "mediocrity" yet because my friend thought of the insult then emailed it to me, but as soon as I sound it out, Homo is going DOWN.


Anonymous noyoudidnt said...

... I'm still in shock ... and it's tuesday. Not sure I'll make it though the week.

8:58 AM  
Anonymous Tommy Maddox said...

Step back, Drew Gaysoe. You had your chance, and so did Homo. Now it's Tommy's turn to shine!

11:17 AM  
Blogger GreenEgg said...

Hey Drew, you're gonna need a name for Tommy Maddox. How about Tommy Faggox? Fagdox? Faddox? Maybe the always reliable Gaydox?


12:38 PM  
Anonymous The Babaganoosh said...

When was the last time Drew Bledsoe even lost to the Saints? Has he ever lost to the Saints? Has he ever lost to the Saints at home?

In 1995 (a real down year for burgers) Drew Bledsoe lost at home to the Saints 31 - 17. The next season he led his team to the Super Bowl. The New England Patriots - in the super bowl! What a concept at that point. In 2006, Tony Romo lost to the Saints at home. Thinking logically, this can only mean that Drew Bledsoe will lead the team to the super bowl in 2007.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

12:55 PM  
Anonymous The Babaganoosh said...

Also, I would lean towards "Tommy Mad-for-Men" myself.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tommy Madcox?

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I can't wait to see you on the field again my NFL brother. I'm jealous since I have to continue watching Gayson Campbell develop into the bust that no one has admitted to yet. I knew once Homo felt the pressure of home field advantage that he would crumble into the Homo that we all knew he was. Just look at this pathetic excuse for an NFL starting QB.

Hit me up so we can get together for some burgers before your flight...


1:48 PM  
Blogger DrewIsGOD said...

Is "Mommy Bad-sux" too much of a stretch?

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Joe said...

"Mike Vanderjagt did not rush for 1 yard on 4 carries. (Bad Example.)"

Bad example because he is a kicker? Or bad example because he isnt even on the team anymore? I hope the latter.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Blessed By Drew said...

We're counting the days, Drew. It'll be so good to have a -real- quarterback under center again. You know that the receivers will all be glad to have somebody who can actually get passes to them again.

Superbowl H0M0. We're counting on you.

3:46 PM  
Anonymous Really Neil O'Donnell said...

What is with the Tommy Maddox hate? He is an ally!

How many Super Bowls would the Steelers have won in the past two and a half years if Bill Coward hadn't replaced him with Ben Gardenburger? Six. At least. That's probably about five more than the one they have.

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Dan in Texas said...

Drew, at the game Sunday people dressed in black and gold were chanting "Tony Homo" toward the end of the game.

At first I thought they were Saints fans rubbing in the Saints one sided victory.

Then it dawned on me. They were loyal Cowboy fans dressed in black as a symbol of protest for you not starting and gold to represent your golden skills. They were obviously fans of the site and that's why they were chanting, to get your site some pub.

Love the site, it's one of my favorites. Good work!

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so who is going to start

6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuckin comic genius.....Homo pays the media to start these rumors about all his "girls" He's a fagela. Lets all raise our burgers and hope Big Bill pulls his head out of his ass and decides he wants to win the Superbowl.

7:22 PM  
Anonymous vanderjagoff said...

You da man Drew!

Homo's performance was not the only disgrace Sunday. How about that .500 night from the NFL's favorite vagabond kicker, GAYmatica.

Left my phone of the hook today just to let Bill& Jerry sweat a bit before I -- the most accurate kicker in league history -- field offers to resign with the team.

With your cannon arm leading us down field and my laser leg punching through those field goals and extra points... we're sure to be saying, "how 'bout them cowboys?" while lifting the Lombardy trophy in Miami come February!!!

See you at the ranch!

Your friend...

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Bill Belichick said...

Dear Drew,

We should have listened to you. If we hadn't let you go I just know you would have this sorry excuse for a team to 6 SuperBowls in a row and counting. Instead, what do we have? Three SuperBowl wins and a QB who is currently challenging Peyton Manning in the quest to become the suckiest player in December/postseason. Now, I know that Drew Bledsoe is his BEST in postseason, and with a couple weeks of rest will be completely UNSTOPABLE and ready to take on any team that stands in his way, because he does it every time he takes the field.

We want you back. You're the only burger-eatin', touchdown throwin' man we want to FINALLY bring the SuperBowl trophy to New England. We've waited SO LONG for the chance and I'm not gonna let someone throw all my amazing intelligence and hard work down the drain! I know you won't disappoint, unlike a certain other QB around here (rhymes with Gay-dy).

Come back. There's plenty of burgers and cut-off grey sweatshirts with your name on it.


Bill Belichick

11:45 PM  
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6:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why u dissing romo he won more games then u did this year???

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why you dissing romo? he won more games then you have this had your chance. your old and washed up, give it up Drew you will never be the quaterback for the Dallas Cowboys again!

1:46 PM  

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