Drew Bledsoe Power Rankings

I have a secret.

Sometimes during team meetings, I like to sketch my name on the back of another team's jersey.

I imagine how good that team could be if I were their quarterback. If you sit down and think about it, I could probably lead 30 of the league's 32 teams to the Superbowl. And that's a conservative estimate. Realistically the number is probably closer to 31.5.

But exactly how good would these teams be if I were their quarterback? I sat down and really thought about it this afternoon and I came up with this: The Drew Bledsoe Power Rankings: Evaluating how every team in the NFL would be if I were their quarterback - in order of best to worst.

1) Chicago Bears: This one is a given. Bears are 10-2 and their quarterback actually makes Homo look like a decent option. All I need is a decent running back, some receivers, and a defense to keep the opposing team under the 44 points I plan on averaging. We all know how good the Bears defense is, Berrian and Mohammad are good enough, and nothing says decent running back quite like Thomas Jones. Bears with Bledsoe will look like an NFC ProBowl team. Simply Unstoppable.

2) San Diego Chargers: If you stop LT -- I'll light you up for 550 and six scores. If you stop me (Ha!) LT will run for 200 and three scores. We could have Homo playing linebacker for all I care, with weapons like myself and LT on offense, I can't possibly imagine a team that would hold us to less than... 74 points. I'll only join the Chargers under one condition: No more halfback passes by LT! The kid is stealing all my scores! Haha, just kidding LT you know I love you. Okay, scoot over Rivers, where do I sign?

3) Baltimore Ravens : Bledsoe/Heap would make the most lethal white and white tandem since Elway/McCaffrey. Though I don't see color. So don't refer to us as a white and white combo. That is racist. Flat out. And it has no place in our locker room. I'm serious. I would pass to Michael Clayton and Derrick Mason too. But they just don't get open! Okay!? Now you're putting words in my mouth!

4) Indianapolis Colts: The Colts probably have the second best QB in the league, so the improvement won't be very noticeable when they bring me in. But a slight improvement is the only thing the Colts would need to get them to the big game. And don't worry about me choking in the playoffs, I'm a proven winner: 3-3 in the postseason, and those three losses were not my fault. Football is a team game -- those wins are all me though.

5) Carolina Panthers: Keyshawn calls me once a month begging me to replace "Delhomo." I tell him, "Keyshawn, listen. It's 4am. Let's be reasonable here. There's a Chesterfield's in Hattiesberg Mississippi. It's about an equal 1,100 mile drive for you and me, and they make a Burger so mean, its worth the 2,200 round trip. Let's meet there in 16 hours and discuss this like men." By the time I usually get there Keyshawn hasn't left. Forget that, I'll eat his Burger and call it a day, I don't care

6) New England Patriots: Wow. Me. Coming back to New England. Replacing my old student. It's funny how everybody was so hot on Brady in 2003, but what has he done in the past four weeks? Looks like he's returning to earth and finally playing like the 6th rounder everybody expected him to be. I had a feeling it wouldn't last...

7) Denver Broncos: Gay Cutler, Gayke Plummer, Bradlee Van Gay... it doesn't matter who they bring in, and how you work the word gay into their name. This team will never be able to replace John Elway. Never ever ever ever ever! Unless of course, they sign me. Then I'll make Elway's two superbowl wins seem like a rebuilding phase.

8) Jacksonville Jaguars: Maurice Jones-Drew called me the other day. He said if I signed with the Jaguars this offseason, he'll change his name to Maurice Jones-Drew-Bledsoe. I told him, I said "Maurice. That's very nice of you. Thank you." He said, I swear on my life, he said, "You're welcome, Jesus." I'm like a Savior to these people. That's what you guys don't understand!

9) Seattle Seahawks: Finally a quarterback with a decent head of hair in Seattle. And I know what you guys are going to ask, and yes, I can throw a football so it gets lodged in between Shaun Alexander's two front teeth. I did it once at the skills challenge in Honolulu.

10) Cincinnati Bengals: Bledsoe and Ocho Cinco? Are you kidding me? I don't know Spanish so I'm not quite sure what Ocho Cinco means, but let me be the first to say "Yo Soy Hamburgesas!"

11) New York Jets: Let me just take a break from the regular commentary to say I just took an online quiz real quick, and my IQ was 185. I'm just paying the $399 right now to get the official results sent to me. Hold on a sec...

12) Kansas City Cheifs: Drew Bledsoe is EXACTLY what this team needs to forget about that Priest Holmes guy.

13) New Orleans Saints: Bledsoe/Bush/Colston - The Killer B's! Don't worry, I've already spoken with Marques about changing his last name. Nicknames like that are too hard to pass on. Besides, Bolston sounds kinda neat.

14) New York Giants: I wouldn't mind passing a few touchdowns to Plaxico every game. And that Brandon Jacobs guy looks like he can eat a mean Burger or two. In fact, in both our games against the Giants this year, I saw him gnawing on a cleat on the sidelines. One class act.

15) Philadelphia Eagles: Now, TO and I have had our differences, but he's never implied I'm anything but a 100% Burger eatin' man. I wish I could say the same for Jeff Garcia.

16) Miami Dolphins: I've been a firm believer that a team just needs a strong arm and a latin leg to reach the SuperBowl. Me and Olindo can bring to Miami what Dan Marino couldn't: Free Ace Ventura DVD's for every fan in the house!

17) Tennessee Titans: Vince Young has been getting the job done, but he's only getting older. Besides, I'd love to hit Frank Wycheck all night long with that sweet slant pass. Six in the bank.

18) Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers still have the championship defense that lead them to the Superbowl last year -- the only thing missing now is a Quarterback with a kidney, some teeth, and the common sense to wear a helmet even though he drives a Rav4: And that person is me.

19) Dallas Cowboys: How good do I think the Cowboys are? Let's just say, with me at quarterback, the only teams on earth that can stop us, are the fictional 18 teams I ranked above us, who have cloned me and have pitted me against myself. That is VERY high praise. Though the science is in place to make such an awesome playoffs occur. I just have to do more research.

20) Buffalo Bills: During my three years in Buffalo our record was 8-8, 6-10, than 9-7. If this pattern of losing two more games then winning three more than the previous season continued, the Bills would be reach the previously unattainable 19-0 by 2024. That's what I call The Bledsoe Effect.

21) San Francisco 49ers: I honestly don't know what the West Coast offense is -- I've admitted that before -- but I like what it sounds like. Does that make sense? It FEELS like something I could get on board with. That being said: Are the Niners a 15-1 football team with Drew Bledsoe? Probably not. But only because I don't forsee myself losing any games at all. 16-0 just feels more right.

22) Minnesota Vikings: Brad Johnson is old. Brad Johnson is slow, and Brad Johnson is a liability. Brad Johnson is everything I am not. Minnesota has a great defense, in which I can be held to 350/4tds and they would still come through for me. I respect that.

23) St. Louis Rams: You know that song that goes "Never made it as a wise man/ I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing/ Tired of living like a blind man/ I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling/And this is how you remind me/This is how you remind me/Of what I really am." It doesn't have much to do with the Rams, I just wanted to say how much I really love Nickelback.

24) Washington Redskins: I think in 50 years, when the smoke clears, and we can really step back and examine who the best wide receiver of all time was. I have no doubt in my mind that the answer will be, quite unanimously: Antwaan Randle El. This kid can flat out play. I like this team chances (with me as their QB) against any team in this league -- including NFL Europe, and ProBowl teams.

25) Cleveland Browns: Over the past five years this team has had five different quarterbacks lead their team in passing: Couch, Holcomb, Garcia, Dilfer, Frye. If they ever wanted to build a Mount Rushmore out of dogshit in Cleveland, these would be the five faces etched in feces. And if the Browns decide to sign me, I promise to sculpt the whole thing myself during halftime of the SuperBowl we'll be winning.

26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: You need two things to become a great quarterback: A good head of hair, and a spleen. Unfortunately right now, Bucs are shuffling between two quarterbacks who fall a little short in one category or the other. They need a nicely spleened man with hair that could support a beach umbrella. They need a hot Bledsoe injection, and they need it now.

27) Green Bay Packers: I respect Brett Favre, I really do. He's a great actor and I loved him in Something About Mary -- but the old man's lost it. Though, if I signed with Green Bay I would probably keep him around... I mean, he'd be great if the Packer Cheerleaders ever broke their T-Shirt cannon and needed somebody to blindly toss stuff around the stadium.

28) Arizona Cardinals: I would quit eating Burgers for a day for the opportunity to throw some balls to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I crunched the numbers and...Frankly, the Cardinals are who I thought they were.

29) Houston Texans: I don't care what people say, I still think they shoulda taken me with the #1 pick last year.

30) Detroit Lions: Okay, we're starting to get into the territory of teams that I would mostly likely lead to the SuperBowl, but I may not actually WIN the big game. The thing with the Lions is, they want me more than I want them, because they know I'm the one person who can call up Barry Sanders, say "Let's Do This." and he'll come back out of retirement.

31) Atlanta Falcons: Listen, I can hit several Golden Retrievers with a football from 50 yards away, (and I have -- My Uncle really wanted to win this Dog Show one time) but if my receivers can't catch my perfect throws, they're worthless.

32) Oakland Raiders: Some teams are beyond help.