Monday, December 04, 2006

Never Fly in a Brainstorm

Back from New York.

First off let me congratulate each and every reader.* You guys all outperformed Homo on Sunday. While you guys tied our field goal holder/quarterback for number of touchdowns thrown with ZERO, he actually threw two more picks than all y'all* making him less responsible for the Cowboys' victory than say, an average fan.

So let me be the first to say "Congratulations," because evidently, each one of you is going to the ProBowl!

That's pretty exciting, right? How does it feel? Take it from somebody who's been to the ProBowl more than a ninja turtle handfull, this is an honor. You guys will LOVE Hawaii.

Now who wants to phone Drew Brees and tell him that while his record setting pace for yardage is cute, people believe football's allstar game would rather feature a struggling rookie and roughly 150,000 blog readers? I would ask the media to do it, but these empty vacuous idoleters, who flock to Valley Ranch at the base of Mt. Sinai to worship this "Golden Boy" are unable to speak, for their mouths are so full with the metaphorical jizm that is Tony Romo's unparalleled ego, stroked and manifested into an allegorical goo, that the only words they can muster out of those tense, pursed lips are those of unfounded praise for America's new hero-of-the-week -- The Emporer of Professional Sports in New Clothes that thinly mask the all-too-visible insecurities and inexperience that will eventually lead to the downfall of one of the most respected organizations in organized athletics!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now. Onto more pressing matters.

I was able to spend the majority of our three hour flight from JFK to Dallas/FtWorth thinking of potential business ideas. Yes, I'm a multimillionaire now, but retirement is only 10-15 years away and I want to make sure I keep myself that way. Here are some sure-fire ideas that will easily net me anywhere in the 50-100 million dollar range (anually).

By reading this sentence you promise not to steal my ideas. Happy, Gary!? (Gary is my lawyer and he strongly advised me against giving away my multi million dollar secrets. You greedy, Jew bastard!) (Don't worry, Gary and I went to Jr. High together, I can tease him like that.)

Without futher ado: Drew Bledsoe's Brilliant Business Ideas

By the way, notice how that font up there is all slanty-like? That's italics! Bet you guy didn't know I was bilingual.

Business Idea #1: Fantasy Airlines.

You know how when you're taking a flight -- you usually get on board, and the pilot is just some random nobody whose job it is to fly a plane? Not with Fantasy Airlines!

Welcome to the only airline where the pilot is none other than yours truly: Future Hall of Fame Quarterback Drew Bledsoe!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride while I regail you with stories and statistics about my illustrious career.

I already thought of a sweet catch phrase: "*ding* You are now free to have me not be a boring normal nobody."

Business Idea #2: Burgers Shaped like Baked Lays in a Potato Chip Bag.

Oh wait, I almost forgot to mention the best part about Fantasy Airlines. Instead of peanuts, we have really tiny mini Burgers (patent pending) shaped like peanuts in a mini peanut bag.

Kay, business idea #2 is Burgers Shaped like Baked Lays in a Potato Chip Bag. Pretty self explanatory there. Just a best of both worlds situation.

Business Idea #3: A dictionary you can eat.

That one is probably my favorite, only because most people wouldn't think to invent it. It's kinda hard to explain but really revolutionary, right? Not a lot of people can imagine something like that. But then again not a lot of people have 251 NFL touchdowns, over 44,000 passing yards, four ProBowls and a SuperBowl ring.

Not bad for a Back Up quarterback, huh!?

Allright, I better go. Told the wife I'd pick up my baby girl from her first soccer practice, and that ended like, what, four hours ago? Haha, daddy's sorry sweetheart, but he just got very Justernicious today. What's that? You don't know what Justernicious means? Oh well, I guess you can't understand why daddy was now, four hours and one minute late in picking you up. Haha. Later guys.

PS - If you ever hear people saying that we won in "Dramatica" fashion this week, let me know, because I coined that phrase and I am going to get some major royalties. You can ask anybody on the second string that I said that word last week for the first time ever and people thought I was saying "Dracula" but I wasn't. Well one time I was talking about renting my favorite movie: Dracula: Dead and Loving it, but then another time I clearly remember saying "Dramatica." It was super clever and now everybody's stealing it, so let me know. Okay, now I really better go cuz I'm four hours and twenty minutes late and I'm starting to feel a little bad.

*Not talking to you, Rex.
** Still. Not you, Rex.


Blogger Steve Walsh said...


I still don't know why you haven't tried paying off the o-line to get Romo sacked on every snap. It's almost like you're starting to enjoy sitting your ass on the bench...


8:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


This is Rex Grossman why won't you talk to me?? - I absolutely love you and your play in the NFL - so much so that I'm trying as hard as I can to emulate you - have you noticed? Anyways, those bastard Chicago fans think that I'm not doing a good job (can anyone say 10-2?) just because I've almost thrown as many interceptions as touchdown passes. What is your advice to someone who so clearly needs to keep his starting position? If I weren't good enough to start why would we keep winning?, it makes no sense. People keep telling me that we have an unstoppable defense and special teams, but I don't watch the game when I'm not playing because I'm going over the photos of the last pass I completed (to the defense or otherwise) and oogling how great I look, cowered behind the O-line (those guys are HUGE) and hurling that pigskin!!

P.S. I hate that bastard Tony Homo too - just when he couldn't get any worse, he starts dating that retard-tramp Jessica Simpson. Ha ha - enjoy your hepatitis you rookie piece of crap. Who throws two interceptions in a game - fag - I can do twice that!


9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH! Guess I should learn to read and pass - nevermind about the first line of my response :).

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You misspelled all-too-visible.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Rex, is still available. You better reserve it just in case you have another 34 yard performance.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would reserve or but I've been so busy writing him emails about how totally freaking awesome Urban Meyer is for getting the Gators into the championship game. Michigan didn't deserve to be there, you see, the gators played twelve games - which gives us an advantage in the BCS rating and we played harder teams (okay we played a harder schedule - at least that is what the computer tells us - and all that matters is the computer, unless there is going to be a rematch and then it doesn't matter and only subjective experience counts). I mean, after all, Auburn is SOOO much harder than Ohio State, and that is why we will go to the championship game - because if we can lose to Auburn by only 10 points then we can definitely beat Ohio State by like 100 points. It's not like Michigan can put up a game - those Maize and Blue freaks already freaking lost like the freaking loser losers that lose games. By three whole fucking points - that's right THREE!! I'm getting a bit carried away here - but I'm just having so much fun it feels like I'm still under center in a Gator's uniform, playing for a team that really appreciated me - and after all, if Florida can jump above Michigan without any discernible reason, then why shouldn't I start over that washed-up loser Griese? Got him.

Oh - and at least my passer rating was positive - yep, got to be happy about that. It could have been negative, wait, can it? shit

11:36 AM  
Blogger GreenEgg said...

Yo Drew,

Mmmmmm - mini-burgers. Now that sounds good. I think I'll fix me some. I like to make 'em using dinner rolls. I can eat, like, 2 packages of them.


2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey drew!!! Its meggett. you havent called me back since i was arrested twice for beating up hookers. its cool, i know you are busy.

anywho, i am thinking, i can take out romo for you. lead pipe to the knee or give him some bad spinach or something. let me know. i charge you 5000 bucks and a plate of your world famous burgers. you know how to reach me.

12:34 PM  

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