Thursday, December 21, 2006

Drew Bledsoe Fantasy Player Rankings - 2007 Edition!

I've given a good amount of fantasy advice on this blog in the past (Draft me, Trade Romo, Bench any of our wide receivers until I'm playing again, start any defense that plays against Romo, etc.) and if you've been following the advice closely, you should be in the SuperBowl this week. I know I am. (4 team keeper league against my sons.)

However, for those who find themselves on the outside looking in, it's never too early to start scouting for the 2007 draft. To help you out, I spent practice today hiding in the bathroom scribbling notes for my first annual "Drew Bledsoe Fantasy Player Rankings - 2007 Edition!"

1a. Drew Bledsoe: This was SUCH a hard decision because I didn't know whether to put me or LT2 (LaDanian Tomlinson) at 1a or 1b. Ultimately, and such is the case with fantasy, you have to go with your gut. The reason I'm giving myself the edge is only because LT2 will probably fall victim to the Madden Curse (see: Shaun Alexander), which as we all know, affects only African-Americans ages 21-34.

1b. LaDanian Tomlinson: Let's break down the numbers: LaDanian has a paltry two touchdowns passing this year, as opposed to my seven. Also note that I've played in HALF as many games as LT2 because of my... situation (back spasms, etc.) For those of you lucky enough to have the first TWO picks in your draft due to clever trading in a keeper league (Like myself, I traded several dinners and hugs over the past year and now hold the first nine picks in next years draft) you guys are lucky you don't have such a tough decision to make. Always plan ahead.

3. Larry Johnson: This guy is without a doubt the third best player in fantasy next year. Unless the Chiefs sign me, in which case his ranking shoots up to 1b. Through Rain or Shine (my nicknames for Trent Green and Damon Huard) this guy has produced. I'm not sure if I agree with the gang symbol he flashes after each touchdown run, unless he's symbolizing a Burger patty.


4. Steven Jackson: If your league offers bonus points for dreadlocks, like mine does, then Steven Jackson is a must next year. I traded him this year for a Burger (my son was starving) and it was the best fantasy trade I had ever made. As I said with Larry, if I get picked up by the Rams in the offseason, move S.Jax up your depth chart to 1b.

5. Frank Gore: This guy was my sleeper pick of the year. I took him so late in the draft, my kids were already asleep. (I was given free reign during rounds 7,8, and 9.) I knew when Kevan Barlow left the Niners last year, that this guy was ready to be a stud, and he did not prove me wrong. Luckily, in my league, we start 7 running backs. I know, that's a little unorthodox, but in just one season Mr. Gore has gone from a great flex to a dependable #1. Great pick-up in the middle first round next year.

6. Clinton Portis: After his shoulder injury this pre-season Clinton Portis came up to me and said "Drew. I would GLADLY dislocate my other shoulder with my already dislocated shoulder just to see you on Redskins next year." I told him "Clinton, thank you. But if you ever talk to me again while I'm eating a Burger, you won't have to dislocate your other shoulder, because I'll be doing it for you!" He laughed and tried to hug me, then walked away. Either way, hes a solid number 6 in next year's draft.

7. Peyton Manning: I don't like picking a non-Me quarterback so high in the draft, because running backs win fantasy games but if you're going to take the risk, might as well do it on Peyton. I rank quarterbacks on a CTD scale (Closest to Drew Scale) where I am 100 and the higher your ranking, the closer you are to me, the lower your CTD raw score, higher you are on the CTD weighted scale, and Peyton comes in at a whopping 11. So.

8. Shaun Alexander: The story of this year was, how high did you draft Alexander, and were you able to trade him? I picked him second overall this year but was lucky to trade him AFTER his injury for Willy Parker, Larry Fitzgerald, and Brandon Jacobs (I just grounded my kids so they couldn't watch Sportscenter. All's fair in love and fantasy.) Alexander is going to be the biggest wildcard in next year's draft, but for those looking to make a safe risk late in the first round, I say go for it.

9. Willy Parker: Let me give you some numbers (all estimates, not researched) - in 2005 Willy Parker gained 1,729 yards rushing, another 390 receiving and led the AFC in touchdowns with 13. All this while only fumbling the ball ONCE! ONCE! If my guesses are anywhere near true, Willy will be a real STEEL at the end of the first round. Pun intended.

10. Steve Smith: I hate spending a first round draft pick on a wide receiver, but if you're also getting the first pick in the next round, I can deal with it. As for me, I was able to acquire Steve Smith through a loophole in my league, whereas somebody can shout "Supersonic Player Theft - Steve Smith!" during the draft and just gain rights to that player. Unfortunately for my three boys, the move can only be used once a draft, and I usually spring it on them pretty early (sometimes even hours before the draft begins, while they're still at school)

11. Brian Westbrook : I've realized that when it comes to draft behavior, it's stupid to avoid a certain player because he is "injury prone." After eleven years of fantasy I've learned that it is nearly impossible to predict player injuries. Brian Westbrook this year is a perfect example. I love the bonus receiving yards he can give you out of the backfield. I also love the nickname I gave him -- "Burgers." Yup, Burgers Westbrook is a key addition to any fantasy team.

12. Reggie Bush : Look at this kid's productivity for the second half of the year, and in specific, week 13: 37 rushing yards, 131 receiving yards and 4 touchdowns. Extrapolate that over the course of an entire season? This guys is due to blow up for 2,096 receiving yards, 592 rushing yards, and 64 touchdowns. Those are Drew Bledsoe numbers. This guy can flat out play. (Still talking about me, though.)

13. Chicago Defense/ST : Defense is a wildcard, and you'll never know what you're going to get, so if you can secure a consistent 10-30 points every week, and you can trust yourself to find solid 3-7th round picks, why not pick up the Bears defense? Or better yet, pin the owner of another team down against the bathroom floor with your knee pressed firmly against his back until he agrees to trade you the Bears D for Kurt Warner. When he finally succumbs to the pain he'll make that trade. "Daddy was just kidding. You little bitch." All trades are final though.

14. Drew Bledsoe: I know what you're thinking -- twice? in one draft? Yup, it's legal in some leagues.

15. Brandon Jacobs: With Tiki gone, I really like Brandon Jacobs for a second round pick. This guy is a 100% Burger eating American. I told you guys before that I usually see him on the sidelines gnawing on a cleat, well his intensity doesn't stop there. I hear, over the course of the season, he's almost eaten an entire helmet. He wants to time it so that he's eating the chin strap by week 17. Simply incredible. If there's anybody who could tie me in a Burger eating competition its Mr. Jacobs. And that is high praise.

16. Chad Johnson: Love him or hate him, you have to admire the fact that people can either love or hate him. He's a man you hate to love and love to hate and I admire that. You don't have to love him, but you do have to ADMIRE the fact that some people love him. But, you may hate him, and thats okay, too. As long as you admire him as well. I admire that.

17. Drew Brees: This guys reminds me of myself when I was short and ugly. He's like the opposite of Hurricane Katrina. He was a fantasy powerhouse this year. I expect a slight drop off in productivity, but he's still the best Non-me, Non-Peyton quarterback around. A respectable 18 on the CTD scale.

18. Terrell Owens: A triple threat like myself (Football player/Author/Professional Badass!), this guy is a perfect addition to any fantasy team who's looking for some excitement in 2007. Will Terrell play every game next season? Will he be suspended? Will he end his own life? You never know with this joker! So draft him, (or steal him) and prepare for the rollercoaster ride of your life!

19. Stephen Gostkowski: Trust me.

20. Tony Romo: Just in case your league gives bonus points for throwing like a portobello mushroom Burger eating, drunk ballerina with two knives in each shoulder blade then whining when somebody takes a crap in your sneakers because those were your favorite socks. Just buy new socks, pussy!

All right, #21-100 are pretty self-explanatory so you guys can take it from there.

Later Skaters.

18 Comments:

Blogger Jeff Greco said...

You've made me a believer, Drew.

Now how about an RSS feed for your blog?

1:55 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Drew,
I must applaud your magnanimity in sharing the top fantasy spot with LT2! I think you really embody the life lessons that TO expounded upon in his book "Little T Learns to Share." I've been wondering -- was the main character in that book based on you? If not, it really should've been.
On another topic, I wish you would address how you felt about Burger King using footage of you throwing an interception to the "King." It seemed to me to be egregiously offensive and an outright insult to a defender of burgers such as yourself.


P.S. I really hope you get the starting spot back in time for the playoffs! How many playoff wins does Tony Homo have? Oh yeah, that's right... ZERO! You totally kick his ass!

4:24 AM  
Blogger Alf V. TerZane said...

Great news from my fantasy league! Right before the trade deadline, I was able to pick you up for the Dallas D (literally - a big "D")and a leftover Tuna melt. My orangutan thought he could take advantage of me! That was probably because of him having a high fever at the time. Silly chimp! Big ape. Simian Imbecile!

8:47 AM  
Blogger BenHelbert said...

It's impossible to agree with you much more. Tony Homo definitely throws like a portobello mushroom Burger eating, drunk ballerina with two knives in each shoulder blade then whines when somebody takes a crap in his sneakers because those were his favorite socks.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Sako said...

dear drew. i am new to this site. my good friend sports guy made referrence to you (not directly, but he left some very subtle clues in there like R(H)omo, yourself and blog) in his espn article.

but i wanted to say i think chad johnson should be much higher in the draft, because more people hate him. and you have to ADMIRE the fact that so many people hate him, and since so many people hate him, more people want him, and there is more demand for him, because they love to hate him. okay.

your the best! i want you to start for my team, the Raiders! (but i dont think theyre ready for a player of your caliber)
tony Homo must DIE

12:11 PM  
Blogger Run Up The Score! said...

Drew,

I don't think you're rated high enough. Perhaps you could be 1AAAAAA or something. The only problem is, there's no "A" in burger. Unless you're talking hamburgers, but you're not a lactose intolerant pussy like ol' Shitsocks.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Brent said...

You are so totally right man.
Of course he eats portebellos,
Underneath, total metrosexual

Did you know his last name was Romo?
On some streets, that would get
U a nickname like Homo!!!
Course, you already thought of that.
Hah!!! Good one Drew!
Even the towel boy could do better.
But you are much better.
And humble too.
Good luck Drew, we are pulling for you.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Tony Romo's Wife said...

Drew-

Will you PLEASE answer my calls?

This is really important.

I'm late, and I'm scared.

9:22 AM  
Blogger noyoudidnt said...

Drew (blessed be his name and arm),

We here have been playing Fantasy Savior for the past few years now and I was fortunate enough (drafted off of cloud One) to acquire you! I was and am humbled that you blessed me with the opportunity to pit your greatness against the other (obvious) false profits! It’s been a wild season so far but by your grace we are way ahead in souls coming to the final match of the season.

The season started off great. We were pitted against some idiot called Fred Smith (Mor(m)ons .. or some thing like that .. personally I thought he stared a company called FedEx .. but what do I know about worshiping non-consequential weenie gods .. I have the great Drew (blessed be his name and arm)!). Anyway we pounded his ass 2.7 million souls to 649K. Who lives in Utah anyway?

As the season progressed we kicked some religious butt by hammering such idols as Bubba (lol .. someone tried to tell me it was pronounced Buddha … funny stuff), a silly looking cow called Brama (we ate burgers after that one for weeks!!!) and a whole slew of other entities that that your mighty arm annihilated (fire, wind, water, man and animals (whooo .. animals?) were no match for the greatness of Drew (blessed be his name and arm)).

I’m ashamed to admit that last week I thought we were going to have a tough match against some freak called Moohamid. But even in my doubt, you came through (am I now a sinner because I doubted you even in the slightest? I’ll beat myself later). Anyway this dumb ass tried to defeat the powers of all that is good and right by strapping bombs on most his followers and sending them to blow themselves up!!! Talk about stupid! We did try that strategy once; we attached a bomb on Homo and sent him to Mecca. That pussy wined all the way till the went *BOOOOM*. The final score was a route, 7.9 trillion to 4 souls (he blew most of his up .. freak).

In the final this week we are facing a push over for sure!!! Some wimp who preaches such idiotic things as “love your fellow man”, “turn the other cheek” (butt cheek .. hahaha), and “do unto others”. I figure a walk away blow out … hell he feeds his followers to lions and such … dumb ass.

Ok, enough. We pray to you Drew (blessed be his name and arm) 3,839 times a day and eat 251 burgers a week. Once you regain your starting position this week we look forward to increasing our weekly burger consumption.

Your faithful follower.

11:45 AM  
Blogger stoproyce said...

are you kidding me no jp loss man.you made brady ,then loss man, now homo. The raiders need to sign you to groom someone anyone so they can stop sucking like a republican senator on speed.

3:43 PM  
Blogger stoproyce said...

tony romo is not married but i hear your daughter was seen with him at a drive thru liquor barn in odessa.

3:45 PM  
Blogger I am Tony Romo said...

Well, well, well, Hello Droo.

Tuna gave me the weekend off to prepare for our big game against Philly. You remember Philly right? Does 18 for 38 and 3 interceptions ring a bell? LOL LOL LMAO. Tuna always goes on about how you're like a mentor to me, and I have to admit that performance really inspired me...to jam a pencil repeatedly into my right eye!

Needless to say I didn't practice much this week since I could take the snap and kneel every play and have a better game than you did against Philly. Actually, I could put my grandmother in a Romo jersey and send her out there in disguise and she'd outplay you. Instead I spent the past few days learning this fancy internet thingy, it's amazing! I'm thinking of starting my own blog. I can call it something like: "Romo is to Ghandi as Bludsoe is to Hitler", or "Why won't Drew's wife stop staring at me with that 'do me' look on her face. Good stuff!

Did you know that when I google "Drew blesoe sucks" I get 49,900 matches, but "Tony Romo sucks" only gets 68,100 matches, less than half as many...I think. Stuff that in your shoe and go for a nice jog!

You can find anything on this intranet: psychologists to help you through your mental breakdown, websites to help you find a new job (you were born to flip burgers!), you name it. I discovered that the human body has an average temperature of 98.6 degrees, which is cool because my QB rating is 98.5! How strange huh? Of course the only way the human body temperature could reach your QB rating is locked in an ice freeze.

I just wanted to say there are no hard feelings and I do respect you as a person Droo, just not as a QB, but everyone who hasn't spent the last 7 years in a coma agrees with me there. I'm willing to call a truce, I'll even forget about the time you registered me as a sex offender or when you told security I had a bomb when I was trying to board the team plane. I hope things work out for you, like maybe if the NFL opens up a league in Mexico you can start there. Besides, do you know how many people would kill to be able to watch the great Tony Romo play from the best seat in the house?

If we're up in the fourth quarter maybe I'll ask Tuna to let you kneel the last few plays to win the game, just don't screw it up.

Your friend and starting QB,
Tony Romo. (http://iamtonyromo.blogspot.com/)

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Take The Drew!

Dear Drew. This is Carrie Underwood and I want you to leave my main squeeze alone. He is the nicest guy I have met in a long time, as he rarely calls me Jessica anymore. If you would put down your pile of burgers for one sec, and blow up Antonio's celly every now and then, I am sure the two of you could work things out.

To extend the olive branch I will even let you go to Hawaii with Tony for the Pro Bowl. No you can't play... so don't ask.

If you don't straighten up I will be forced to dig my name into the side of your pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, and dig Tony's name into your leather seats!!!

XOXO
- Carrie

7:54 PM  
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