Sunday, January 13, 2008

Second Round, BYE!

Long time no blog. I'll start by giving you the facts.

Fact: Homo is now 0-2 in the postseason.

Fact: I am 3-0 in the postseason (with three Losses#. I mean Losses$. Okay, anybody know how to do an asterisk? These new Macbooks suck. #&)@(!@ddDDdd. Nothin'.)

Fact: Homo thinks Gatorade is made out of acid, and tries his hardest to make sure his coaches are never showered in it. This stems from the time I offered him a hydrochloric x-treme mango after a practice.

Fact: I coulda hooked up with Jessica Simpson two years ago but passed because she said no.

Fact: Pancake batter makes for great pancake syrup. Honestly, try it.

So what now? Obviously Tony's career is over. Point blank. Tonight's game was the equivalent of a spinal injury, which means that those of you who prayed for that, got what you wished without any of that "lingering guilt." Don't ever tell me there is no God. Me? I believe in our maker every time I bite into Wendy's Baconator.

Quick aside: I actually pitched the Baconator to Wendy's five years ago and they passed. Only my version was much better than the current one. I mean, who wouldn't agree that the Baconator would be ten times better if the bacon were replaced by a patty. And the cheese. And several of the sesame seeds atop the bun. And the bun. Each full-grown heffer could only make three of those, so I like it.

People emailed me this week asking me about Tony's vacation to Mexico with Jason Witten. Those are two grown men and they can do whatever they want. Especially in Mexico. That place is like international waters, except on land. And if you're wondering about his three way kiss with Anthony Fasano, and Lindsay Lohan at a club in downtown NYC, I only have one comment: No Comment.

Is it a distraction? Of course. During my Super Bowl run in 1996, I didn't even go to Mexican RESTAURANTS with Ben Coates. Yes, I spent four magical days in Finland with Dave Meggett between the AFC Title game and the Super Bowl, but that was different. He was a running back. David, if you're reading this: Ei laaksoa ei kukkulaa, ei vettä, rantaa rakkaampaa my friend.

Another big story -- Terrell's tears. I actually got a chance to talk to T.O. for an EXCLUSIVE TONYHOMO.COM INTERVIEW. Had my wife transcribe it, so here we go:

Me: Terrell?

TO: Who is this?

Me: Terrell, baby, it's Drew. How you doin' buddy?

TO: How'd you get this number?

Me: Haha. Question Numero Deuce. Or, whatever's "One" in Italian: Final score prediction if I was QB?

TO: Bye.

Me: Thank you so much for your time. MAURA! MAURA GET THE FUCK OVER HERE. Transcribe this for me, baby, and there's a steak in it for you. Just...C'mon, you know I can't type. Thank you, sweetie. Oh, and Terrell's answer should read 45-2. I dunno what TO said, it kinda came in fuzzy but I think he responded 45-2. Do you have Jose Cortez' number, baby? Don't correct me. Yes, I turned the recorder off, I'm not an idiot. I am NOT chewing on a staple remover, just please. I'm begging you.

---

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beef to ground.

Love you all,
Drew

PS - Does anybody know what gets cow blood out of wedding albums?

PPS - Yes, I was a finalist to become a new American Gladiator (for the role of TOA) but they ended up going with some Samoan guy. They then offered me the role of BIG BAD WOLF but I told them my howling would be too deafening and we parted ways.

PPPS - I would be remiss if I didn't mention StraightCashHomey.net. It's a whole website dedicated to people wearing Jersey's of future Hall of Famers who can throw a tight-ass spiral. Like check out this guy in my Cowboys threads.

72 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lord has spoken. Praise be to Drew.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please come out of retirement.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous abbey said...

:D I have missed you Drew. Tom Brady has been slipping...if the Patriots bothered to get you receivers like Randy Moss the Patriots would be putting up 100 points every week.

Update more. Please write an entry about QBs that could replace Homo next year.

11:12 PM  
Blogger acr said...

Excellent post. Bringing back memories of the '96/'97 SB run too. Dave Meggett was an outstanding return man and pass catcher out of the backfield.

T.O. was really crying because he didn't have Drew Bledsoe to pass him the ball.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Burnsy said...

We could use you in Miami. John Beck would really appreciate the mentoring.

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Sweet_Thang said...

DB:

Awesome post as usual! You da MAAEN!

Did you see where the NY Post sent a Jessica Simpson lookalike to the ‘Girls/Gints game? Got her a seat behind Homo's bench, something like 2nd row.

Somewhat explains the 4th qtr meltdown that we've all come to expect from your, ah, replacement - (WTF?)

And the Post has the stones to label your first team, the NE Pats as "*Caught Cheating" (FYI: found my asterisk just above no. 8 on my keyboard - future keyboards will have it above the no. 9, if you catch my drift ;>) ). But for the BS, I mean NY (same difference!) Post the Bimbo plant is great sportsmanship!

Yeah right! And only 22 of the Yanks/Mets subway series players did 'roids!! BS Post hypocrites: break out the asterisks - Spring Training's coming up fast!!!

BTW, some of your Dallas homies refer to Jessica as “Yoko Romo” – what a scream!!! You musta coined it, right?

Sorry DB, got off on a few tangents, like one of Homo's many, many playoff INTS!

Anyway Drew, keep up the great work, or whatever it is you do. Only our entire civilization Depends, oops, I mean relies on you!

Mega Burgers, over and out!

Oh yeah, next time TO calls you, remind him he has 25 million reasons to stop crying, WAA, WAA, WAA :>0 !

11:46 AM  
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4:12 PM  
Anonymous Nick Lachey said...

Drew, you should call Jerry and get your ass in on the coaching game. Wade obviously can't get it done. Do they still allow the player-coach position?

11:38 PM  
Blogger Mooreberg said...

We missed you Drew.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was so upset when Romo got eliminated. This prevented the "Bledsoe Blows" Bowl, when Brady and Romo take center stage.

On the pre-game, they'd have a video montage of Bledsoe failing and Brady/Romo stepping in and dominating. We see Bledsoe drinking heavily, doing lines of coke, and stumbling angrily into lockerrooms.

Drew can then sing the National Anthem and do the honorary coin toss.

Now, its all lost. Thanks alot Tony Homo!!!!!!!!!

7:51 PM  
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I jerked to jessica. peep peep.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11:03 AM  
Blogger Meena said...

Oh, my god. I wish I found this before. These rants are priceless.
If you are, in fact, the real Drew, awww god, why aren't you still our [Dallas'] QB?!
You could have won us the NFC Championship.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew:

God dammitt return my phone calls. I'll throw in unlimited burgers, agree to not bench you till 2009 and I will never mention Tony Romo to you. Man - just get me 8 wins in Miami - Please Drew

Bill Parcells

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last time I checked Drew never one a Super Bowl as a starting QB. He also couldn't win near as many games with the same players that Tony ROMO had. That would be 13 games that Tony won last year. Funny too, that Tom Brady has been kicking ass ever since he replaced Drew. The only Dallas Cowboy #11 jersey that should be worn should be Danny White's jersey. Cause he too has better than the human statue named Drew. Drew sucks and by the way he is coaching, his son's flag football team.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

go away bledsoe, no one wants to hear a washed-up old dude run his mouth.

and tony romo completely kicks your ass

1:00 AM  
Anonymous dragon said...

Is this really your blog? Romo still sucks in the post season...and TO loves him.

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Alex Stueck said...

hes not comming out of retirment because he's a pussy, he got replaced by two differnt quarterbacks, look at the highlights, if drew ever came back it'd be like leaving Rex Grossman in. Do you really want that? I dont even belive that this is drew bledsoe, but i could understand him being this pompas ass just because he got replaced...TWICE. Good job fag boy. You'll never start again, unless you go suck parcells dick at the dolphins.

5:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

drew,

the only person worse than homo has to be the broncos quarterback gay cutler. He stinks. He hasn't even made a post season. I completed like 99% of my passes and won every game I played. How can he even enjoy burgers with his diabetes. Call me up sometime. I'll come there in my Honda element and we can play some handball.

Jake Plummer

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

drew,

the only person worse than homo has to be the broncos quarterback gay cutler. He stinks. He hasn't even made a post season. I completed like 99% of my passes and won every game I played. How can he even enjoy burgers with his diabetes. Call me up sometime. I'll come there in my Honda element and we can play some handball.

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8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew,

Now that Brady is out for the year, the Pats need you more than ever. Karma is a boomerang. I've already beat the rush and added you to all my fantasy teams. With those receivers, I have you penciled in for 60 TD's. Start doubling up on the burgers and clear a spot on your mantel for that MVP trophy.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, it's time!
Pats have a team without a QB.
Got Moss and Welker. This is your
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up. There's the team you needed to have a 5500 yard season!
do it!...... ;)

09/08/2008

11:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, please come out of retirement and rescue the Patriots. I heard Belichick will get on his knees and beg you to come back.

3:18 AM  
Anonymous ted kramer said...

drew long time notalk. man we sure miss you in buffalo!well i hope your enjoying retirement, now get back to football,we need a real qb.peace love and of course...burgers

12:58 PM  
Blogger David said...

hey drew with Brady down isnt this the perfect scenario for you to step back into your role as the NE quarterback and show new england how big a mistake it was to let you go. Or had you eaten too many burgers there and put cows on the regional endangered list?

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Bill Belichick said...

We need you Drew, more than ever. Please come home, we will go 19-0 for sure with you as our QB.

5:01 PM  
Blogger John said...

hilarious

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

EAGLES!

5:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where did you go? please blog about the eagles victory on Sunday.

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

drew we need your assessment of the 2008-2009 failing

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey drew...where are you?
your fans are waiting for a good post!
you definitely have plenty of new material to work with and we're only 4 weeks into the 2009 season!
your last post was january of 2008...:(

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

bledsoe wishes he was as good as romo there 8and3 they would be 0and 16 with bledsoe there he throws 10 interceptions a game

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Brew Bledsoe haters are the worst humans in this world and deserve death by over consumption of burgers.

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