Saturday, January 06, 2007

First Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

8:45
First quarter over and Homo hasn't fumbled yet.

Current stats (including a Witten incompletion): 3/9 for 30 yards. Which way to Hawaii?

Question for commenters: Have they shown that hilarious commercial where they compare family members to food!? Oh man, that black guy looks just like that loaf of wheat bread!

8:42

I cannot believe that Witten fumble...

...that was CLEALRY an incompletion. That should NOT have counted. Homo should be 3/9! I'm about five second away from fashioning a red flag to throw.

Has anybody seen my red cape?

8:40

This is my impersonation of Homo doing a silent snap.

I just did it. Anybody reading this from Qwest stadium see that?

8:38
Another commenter question:
Anonymous Asks: How many tickets did you buy for family and friends up there, Drew?

I made an order for 135. I was granted 4. Then I bought 16 more from a ticket broker. However, I messed up and bought ticket stubs for last year's Seattle AFC championship game. To make up for my losses I had to sell the four tickets that I received on eBay.

Oh, well. Nana prefers watching the cowboys on TV anyway. Isn't that right nana?

8:35

I guess the problem is that Terrell Owens looks like a giant patch of grass, so you can't really fault Homo for that errant pass...

Have I mentioned before how many AFC Championship games I've won? The answer is two.

We're probably going to get one or two turnovers this game, and we've already squandered one of them. Did you know Blackberry's don't have solitaire on them!? Bullshit.


8:26
Homo was 1/4 on that drive. And that's against a Seahawks secondary missing 3 starting cornerbacks. Meanwhile, he's going to Hawaii and Hasselback is not.

Gonna answer some commenter's questions so be sure to leave some interesting ones.

Anonymous asks: You think that Coach would let you line up at WR like Wallace did for Seattle?

Already asked. Coach say's "We'll see." Sounds promising!!!

Ooo... an interception. Here come's Homo!

8:25
Do you see that thing on Homo's wrist? It has every single play we run. Jokes on him though. I replaced the last column with a McDonald's menu.

That last play we just ran is called a McChicken Z slant Right.

8:23

1/3 with two errant throws... Not sure how long Coach is gonna stand for this. I'm gonna put my helmet on just in case.

8:22

First pass looked pretty good. He almost hit Craytons Knees. I guess Patrick told him he'd catch that one with his feet?

8:19
First play - Rush with Julius. If Coach doesn't trust Homo, why is he even playing!?

8:17
Field Goal Seattle! Homo is looking pretty good so far, huh?

NOT!

8:14
During early time outs I like to contemplate stuff... it clears my head.

Right now I'm wondering... could God invent a Burger so large, not even I could consume it?

Timeouts not over, and I already know the answer: No.

What should I do now?

8:11
After Hasselback started 3/3 with a first down I just heard somebody say that Hasselback looks like a bald Drew Bledsoe.

How bout that pass to Bobby Engram? Imagine if Hasselback had my head of hair... he would be a complete QB.

8:09
I took a risk and called Heads. It was tails. I just wanted the ball in the second half, because I'll probably be starting by then.

8:05
With kick off just moments away, some random things I've noticed:

The gap in Shaun Alexander's teeth is even larger in person. Easily big enough to fit a toothpick through. (horizontally)

I'd say 90% of the crowd is wearing a Seattle jersey, and about 1% of those are Ricky Watters throwbacks.

Homo is wearing a beanie. I told him "You ain't used to this cold, huh Mexico Boy?" He told me he grew up in Wisconsin, then went to school in Illinois. I told him I didn't wanna hear his life story.

Me? I'm used to it. I feel at home in the Pacific Northwest...

BRB - Coinflip.

82 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Bill isn't going to play you at QB he should at least let you catch a TD it would have to be from like Julius tho

7:11 PM  
Anonymous chris "i went to the pro bowl once" miller said...

it must suck being matt hasslebeck, what with him not being the best QB in his family.

7:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Homo knew to bring a beanie, perhaps TO is tipping him off to the weather now.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing better with a Diet Pepsi than a bunch of cosmopolitans and a couple of bacon double cheeseburgers from Ditka's.

Jay Mariotti

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You think that Coach would let you line up at WR like Wallace did for Seattle? I'll bet even Romo would look good throwing to you.

7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Burger King guys been spotted, maybe he'll pick off Homo like he did you a couple years back

7:24 PM  
Anonymous chris "i went to the pro bowl once" miller said...

so drew, does it feel good to be home? might i remind you of the Copper Bowl? (also known as the blood bath bowl)

p.s. did homo win a bowl game at Eastern NobodyCares?

p.p.s. do you ever blend up burgers and keep them in a squeeze bottle on the bench?

7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why dont you ambush Homo in the bathroom, steal his jersey and take over, do it for the team Drew !!!!

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ummmmmmmm Blended Burgers .....

7:27 PM  
Blogger Gyuss Baaltar said...

TO wouldn't drop your passes, drew!

7:28 PM  
Anonymous chris "i went to the pro bowl once" miller said...

wow hasslebeck is quite a comedian, doing his best homo impression

7:29 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Hasselbeck must have been watching Homo throw lame ducks from the sideline and forgot what he should be doing.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that interception looked like one of your wounded ducks

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many tickets did you buy for family and friends up there, Drew?

7:30 PM  
Anonymous Brad Childress said...

Hey can you come lead my vikings to the super bowl next year? We will name a burger after you at the stadium triple pattie, 5 cheese, 3 kinds of bacon, 2 types of mayo, ham, chicken and turkey all on a seasme seed bun.

7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why don't you have your helmet on? Unless Parcells wants him throwing the ball to the first row like he just did on third down you'll be up soon.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous brokenyard said...

Drew, you say God could not create a burger so big that you couldn't consume it. But let's avoid the obvious. Could you invent a burger that God himself could not consume it?

7:32 PM  
Blogger herbinator45 said...

Drew, have you asked coach to put you in there at RB? You're the power-back the cowboys have been missing since Emmitt in his prime.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous chris "i went to the pro bowl once" miller said...

you should pretend to be like crash davis and trick nuke laloosh (homo) into wearing pantyhose. tell him it worked for you in the playoffs. he'll believe anything.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, its Jay Mariotti here. These IVs really hurt my arm! Anyways, I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW if you would cook me up some of those famous Bledsoe patties whenever I want if I start a column* campaign bugging the shit out of the Bears to sign you for next season.

Let me know ASAP. I think I'm losing consciousness again and some weird alarm just went off again in my hospital room...

7:33 PM  
Blogger Mini Jack Bauer said...

Drew, im about to make a burger. I wanna put salsa on it and call it a mexican explosion. would you do something like this and what kind of salsa would you recommend?

7:34 PM  
Blogger Varun said...

Why don't you guys run a 2 QB system like they do at Florida. Then Homo could come in whenever you need a QB run.

7:34 PM  
Blogger Abel said...

Drew,
You think that once you win the superbowl (again) you can go to the CFL and help my girl's Stampeders keept Alberta rat free?

We'll save a Chief MOuntain Burger for ya!

7:34 PM  
Blogger Bledsoe4Pres said...

Is it true that you had a little asian guy put Liquid Heat in Homo's jock??

7:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Bill doesn't put you in tonight after Homo fucks this all up technically could you be on the sidelines for New England tomorrow as a safety net if Brady starts crying over his lost girlfriend?

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Big Nut 11 said...

You talk about you not being able to consume a gigantic burger, then God, himself not being able to consume the burger...But how about a burger so huge, that even T.O's big mouth could not consume it?

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Alex Van Pelt said...

Drew, your whole blog is based on the man who stole your job. But let's not forget that you've also stolen starting jobs. Buffalo ring a bell? A-hole.

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

homo is relying on a fellow hispanic to score the points for him. homo cant beat up on the worst secondary in the league

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew,
If you started this game how much would the Cowboys be winning by?
Thanks, You're the best
Bernard

7:37 PM  
Anonymous I'llgogayifGarciawinsSuperBowl said...

If you went up against a hurricane, who would win?

7:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew,

If Homo was available in the draft this year, where do you think he'd go? I'd say 5th/6th round because some team would probably think they could convert him into a WR.

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Drew, did you ever have to take a dump when you were out on the field?

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Drew, just a question, if you were on the Bears, would you have gone undefeated? How many TDs do you think you would have thrown?

Just asking because, as hard as it is to believe, I think Grossman might be worse than Homo.

7:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Drew, I bet the O-line wouldn't false start if you were QB, because the crowd would be in quiet awe, and they would be able to hear you fine. Plus, Romo sounds like a girl down there.

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Jon said...

Hey Drew, what type of burgers do they have at
Qwest field? Do you bring your own to the game or do you eat at the stadium?

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Nana said...

Thats right Drew! It looks cold up there how are you doing! You sure looked handsome on the sideline. Did you like my "Homo sucks" sweater i sent you for christmas?

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John Madden just said "Romo has made some bad throws". If even that old fool can see that, what's up with Parcells? Do you think Homo is blackmailing him or something?

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i swear that when they showed a closeup of Homo in the huddle, he was saying, "cmon guys, tell Coach he needs to put in Drew because I suck"

7:42 PM  
Blogger j.j. said...

yo drew, even madden is knocking the homo! time they put in ol' drew burgermatica!

7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you had to choose wheter to start for the cowboys or have a lifetime supply of burgers which would you choose?

7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yo drew...I love how you misspelled your own teammate's name...Way to be

7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ask Dieon Branch if you can borrow his green gloves.

7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i heard the seahawks had Burgers for their pre-game meal

7:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

learn how to spell witten DUMBASS

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew I turned the tv on because I wanted to watch a real and truly great QB (that'd be none other than you!) not a crappy one who hasn't won a single championship!

7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew -

Joey
San Diego
Chilicheese with a side of bacon

Do you think that Witten's fumble was a message from the ref's that Homo sucks and that you should be playing? Why didn't Parcells understand that?

7:47 PM  
Blogger the sharpe said...

I don't think you should dog Drew about his spelling...he is having to use Homo's blackberry under that parka he is wearing. He not only can't see but his AFC champion fingers are much heavier due to his rings.


On another note, I was wondering if you could check Homo's text messages on his phone and see if there are any from Enrique.

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

everyone shut the fuck up about bledsoes typing error, homo must have tampered with the blackberrys T9 word. hes an idiot after all whos sucking

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard a back up punter stabbed a starting punter to gte his position. Might an accident like this happen to Homo?

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where is this "Burgertown" that they mention in that Subway ad. Looks like they have a good selection of burgers.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen the wendys commercial when the guy was eating the minuature burger? that was sweet.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many superbowls has Tony Romo won again?

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Burgers Rule

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could you beat Tony ROmo in a burger eating contest?

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, if you come into the game, do you think Seattle will put in their regular secondary?

7:52 PM  
Blogger the sharpe said...

Does it make you made that the coaching staff has to warn Homo not to be a hero while you on other hand have been the hero for several great nfl teams?

7:53 PM  
Blogger the sharpe said...

I prolly meant to type mad.

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, can I ask a big favor of you? After you take over in the 2nd half and win the game, can you please talk to Coach Gibbs for me? Thanks. -- Mark

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will you ever demand a trade to another team that needs a quarterback

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Homo should stand in there like a man and take the sack like you would Drew, none of that ineffective scrambling around.

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Matt Baker said...

screw you drew, and screw you homo. im the future of the team, youll all see. the practice squad will only contain my awesomeness for so long...

p.s. ive wanted to tell you this at practice for a while now:

I HATE BURGERS ASSHOLE!

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Which Burger-hater do you hate most: Homo, Jarred, or Strahan?

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew - I have not seen the commercial yet (mind you I do kind of drift in/out of consciousness right now) but I WAS ONCE OFFERED a spot for that same commercial (should have done it, could have used the free meds...). I turned it down because I had no idea what the hell HAGGIS was or why the director said my head shot would be perfect for comparison? Any ideas on that Drew? - Jay Mariotti

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you ever eaten a burger you didnt like?

7:54 PM  
Blogger Krystalina_ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Homo is playing like a vegetarian.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Saints Gal in Houston said...

While I am a Cowboys hater, Drew, you could make me a fan with this exciting play by play. Can you talk a little about Terrell?



ps

Emmitt Smith was the exception to my Cowboys hatred.

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous the Commenter said...

Drew, have you told Tony Homo of your little blog?

7:57 PM  
Blogger the sharpe said...

Wow. Madden's comment about Homo testicles going everywhere was completely inappropriate.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, when Homo gets the hook in the second half could you send out a sign to my sick grandmother. Maybe you could lick your fingers or something while running out on the field. Grandma loves you. It would mean alot.

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Drew.
Can you blame me for not wanting the Cowboys to win because of Homo?

Don't worry, if you get to play I'll immediately start rooting for Dallas.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should star in a wendys commercial

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOuldnt madden look funny in a teddy bear suit?

8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew's commercials would put Peyton's to shame.

8:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

N******
Burgers
C****

take it from there

8:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

on a scale from one to ten....how gay is tony homo?.....i just ate taco bell...that should be your non-invented burger

8:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll give him 8 for the number of incompletions. But I'm sure that by the end of the game he'll impose some sort of world record.

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Harry P. Ness said...

Drew,

Do you think that the punter, McBriar, owes part of his paycheck to Homo for making him the best punter in the league since '83?

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Bad at Life said...

Drew,

You asked for 164 tickets and only got 4...any word on Homo's Blackberry as to how many of your tickets went to Jessica Simpson's dad?

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No Homo will fail because he can't do anything right.

8:26 PM  
Anonymous tom_bradoe said...

Drew,

How often does Homo need to change his tampon during the game?

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Malvina said...

Wow, there is a lot of useful data above!

9:10 AM  

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