Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

It's a beautiful morning! Na-na! And its something something something outside! Na-Na-na!

Webster's online dictionary defines "Mobile Quarterback" as "The word(s) you've entered isn't in the dictionary." Fair enough. Maybe I should have split it into two seperate search terms.

Either way, the numbers do not lie: 4 rushes, 4 fumbles, 4 sacks, 9 incompletions, 1 intecerception, 3 consecutive home losses, and one disheartened coach.

A defeated Parcells said, "This is the low point for me in a long time." Just to put things in perspective, Coach divorced his wife of 40 years in 2002, and lost his younger brother in 2005.

Translation: Tony Homo's inability to hold onto the football is worse than death and divorce.

So what can I do? Well, no amount of touchdown passes are going to bring Coach's brother back, that much is true. However, throwing 400 yards and five scores to lead our team to a road playoff win should be enough to rekindle the passion that was lost in Coach's failed marriage.

So this is the plan: I'm going to call his ex-wife, Judy. I'm gonna say that Coach has something to tell her on Saturday night at Qwest Field. Then I'm going to call coach and tell him to go to Qwest Field on Saturday night to coach the game.

After my ridiculous performance (tight spirals are an afrodisiac) Coach will point to her seat in the crowd, then she will be ushered onto the field, and they will passionately embrace... and then... BOOM! Gatorade Shower filled with Ground Beef. Then it's onto Chicago for round 2.

In other news, I had a very serious talk with Homo after the loss to the Lions. I told him he should be a man and give his Pro Bowl Invitation to Jon Kitna.

Him: It doesn't work like that.

Me: Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

Him: It's not up to me. Coach's vote, players voted.

Me: Wow.

Him: Can you actually get outta the way I need to take a shower.

Me: Rose Bowl Prediction: USC 32- Michigan 18.

Him: Okay...

Me: WRITE IT DOWN!!!

True story.

22 Comments:

Blogger Donnie said...

Hey Drew,

You may want a heads-up on this, in case you end up in Miami next month (it won't happen if Homo's starting). You know that Fuddrucker's on US 1 about 5 miles from Dolphin Stadium? It closed down. So you're going to have to go somewhere else for your Burgers. Let me know if you need any ideas.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Rusty Trombone said...

Gatorade Shower filled with Ground Beef. Good god, if that isnt the tastiest compliment a man could ever get.

10:55 PM  
Blogger Edward said...

Drew, for the sake of the team, please call a press conference and expose Romo's fraudulent play then demand that you start against Seattle. I think Coach Parcells would welcome your proven leadership since it would provide cover for the decision which Parcells has needed to make for the past month anyway. Most importantly, it would settle the turmoil inside the team when their confidence has been shaken by Romo's fraudulent, shiitake-fueled play and clear the path for you to earn your second Super Bowl ring.

2:00 AM  
Blogger IC said...

If you don't see time in Seattle, it'll be Parcells' biggest blunder since leaving New England.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Soup said...

Hey Drew,

Congrats on having your blog mentioned in the Boston Herald today. I think everyone here in New England misses you and would love to see you starting against your old team in Miami on February 4th.

12:16 AM  
Blogger John said...

I don't know if your the real Drew, but if you are, awesome. Tell it like it is. You've got a new fan.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Drew,

Your blog is hilarious, however you and the Cowgirls still suck!

The team to beat and we're back on top:

E-A-G-L-E-S!!!!

11:52 AM  
Blogger davemeggettt said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7:25 PM  
Blogger  said...

the burgers depicted on your invitation look, how do i put this delicately, Homo-ish? There's not near enough meat!
For Christ's sake, the buns are bigger than the beef!

3:03 PM  
Blogger Monkeesfan said...

Hew Drew, you didn't even mention Tony getting foreplay with Carrie Underwood - point out that you and your wife have four kids - how's that for prowess between man and woman? Can Tony and Carrie pull that off?

BTW, after you eventually retire, hope to see you at Patriots Alumni events.

3:44 PM  
Anonymous jigga joe said...

dear drew.. just want you to know youre amazing and youre my fav QB other than brady... keep shitting on the homo cause hes a fag and jessica simpson gives him anal pleasure

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

give romo some slack,man

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Drew no wonder you retierd you needed to when tony took your spot. It's okay tony fumbeled the ball because if you would have been starting we wouldn't have been in the play-offs.

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are a fucking hater! tony romo is the shit, so shut the hell up dumb ass

1:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bledsoe is overrated... sorry buddy.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drew, it's time!
Pats have a team without a QB.
Got Moss and Welker. This is your
chance to shut all those critic fucks
up. There's the team you needed to have a 5500 yard season!
do it!...... ;)

11:23 PM  
Blogger JTF said...

YO DREW,

No blog post on Homo's busted pinky?

Ya slippin'...

11:02 PM  
Blogger Gcrocks87 said...

OK, first of all, i am a cowboys fan! But i think tony romo SUCKS!!!
Second of all, TONY HOMO? Are you serious, that is all you can come up with?!? Wow, that is kinda ORIGIONAL!!! that is like me calling Ben Roethlisberger, Ben Roethlisbooger. Seriously, tony homo is the most retarded name to call him.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think this is fake.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Without a friggin' doubt, some of the funniest stuff I have ever read! I have always been a Bledsoe fan(despite some bad decisions) but this blog is both unbelievably hilarious and quite true.BURGERS FOR EVERYBODY!God bless Drew

3:14 PM  
Anonymous flippo_4@hotmail.com said...

Please for god sakes challenge yourself to a real test of greatness.( coach )the WSU Cougars to a winning season, Now there's a friggin challenge!!!!! and I know the people that can make it happen for you!

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony and the Romosexuals.

9:04 PM  

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