2010 is the new 2006

Contemplating coming out of retirement thanks to twitter...

current mood: burgers.

Second Round, BYE!

Long time no blog. I'll start by giving you the facts.

Fact: Homo is now 0-2 in the postseason.

Fact: I am 3-0 in the postseason (with three Losses#. I mean Losses$. Okay, anybody know how to do an asterisk? These new Macbooks suck. #&)@(!@ddDDdd. Nothin'.)

Fact: Homo thinks Gatorade is made out of acid, and tries his hardest to make sure his coaches are never showered in it. This stems from the time I offered him a hydrochloric x-treme mango after a practice.

Fact: I coulda hooked up with Jessica Simpson two years ago but passed because she said no.

Fact: Pancake batter makes for great pancake syrup. Honestly, try it.

So what now? Obviously Tony's career is over. Point blank. Tonight's game was the equivalent of a spinal injury, which means that those of you who prayed for that, got what you wished without any of that "lingering guilt." Don't ever tell me there is no God. Me? I believe in our maker every time I bite into Wendy's Baconator.

Quick aside: I actually pitched the Baconator to Wendy's five years ago and they passed. Only my version was much better than the current one. I mean, who wouldn't agree that the Baconator would be ten times better if the bacon were replaced by a patty. And the cheese. And several of the sesame seeds atop the bun. And the bun. Each full-grown heffer could only make three of those, so I like it.

People emailed me this week asking me about Tony's vacation to Mexico with Jason Witten. Those are two grown men and they can do whatever they want. Especially in Mexico. That place is like international waters, except on land. And if you're wondering about his three way kiss with Anthony Fasano, and Lindsay Lohan at a club in downtown NYC, I only have one comment: No Comment.

Is it a distraction? Of course. During my Super Bowl run in 1996, I didn't even go to Mexican RESTAURANTS with Ben Coates. Yes, I spent four magical days in Finland with Dave Meggett between the AFC Title game and the Super Bowl, but that was different. He was a running back. David, if you're reading this: Ei laaksoa ei kukkulaa, ei vettä, rantaa rakkaampaa my friend.

Another big story -- Terrell's tears. I actually got a chance to talk to T.O. for an EXCLUSIVE TONYHOMO.COM INTERVIEW. Had my wife transcribe it, so here we go:

Me: Terrell?

TO: Who is this?

Me: Terrell, baby, it's Drew. How you doin' buddy?

TO: How'd you get this number?

Me: Haha. Question Numero Deuce. Or, whatever's "One" in Italian: Final score prediction if I was QB?

TO: Bye.

Me: Thank you so much for your time. MAURA! MAURA GET THE FUCK OVER HERE. Transcribe this for me, baby, and there's a steak in it for you. Just...C'mon, you know I can't type. Thank you, sweetie. Oh, and Terrell's answer should read 45-2. I dunno what TO said, it kinda came in fuzzy but I think he responded 45-2. Do you have Jose Cortez' number, baby? Don't correct me. Yes, I turned the recorder off, I'm not an idiot. I am NOT chewing on a staple remover, just please. I'm begging you.

---

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beef to ground.

Love you all,
Drew

PS - Does anybody know what gets cow blood out of wedding albums?

PPS - Yes, I was a finalist to become a new American Gladiator (for the role of TOA) but they ended up going with some Samoan guy. They then offered me the role of BIG BAD WOLF but I told them my howling would be too deafening and we parted ways.

PPPS - I would be remiss if I didn't mention StraightCashHomey.net. It's a whole website dedicated to people wearing Jersey's of future Hall of Famers who can throw a tight-ass spiral. Like check out this guy in my Cowboys threads.

Post Forthcoming

Hello.

My name is Tina. I am Mr. Bledsoe's personal assistant. Mr. Bledsoe is trapped inside of a 45 foot hamburger right now.

(Muffled voice in the distance: 55! 55 foot!)

Yes well, he has alerted me that as soon as he eats himself out he will be writing his entire thoughts on todays game.

He thanks everybody for thinking of him first after another Cowboys loss that ended with a Tony Homo interception.

Be right back.

Watching the Kids Play

You've heard about it all week, a matchup between The Bledsoe Proteges


Each of these two wannabees learned the game from yours truly. It was like watching myself play. Well, at least the 587 yards and 7 Touchdown part. Those two INT's were just Homo being Homo.

Where do these numbers stack me up against the rest of the league? Without doing any research, my 600 and 7 have me outproducing 80% of NFL quarterback's SEASON output.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find the autistic monkey in charge of the Arizona Cardinals who thought it would be a good idea to let Tim Rattay touch a football again.

I Know Why You're Here...

Six turnovers against the Bills?!


I haven't seen any of the games this year but sounds like he STILL sucks. I thought I retired this blog, but he's almost leaving me no choice...

Game Over.

This blog was a way for me, Drew Bledsoe, to deal with the 2006 Dallas Cowboys season.

The season is over. And now so is this blog.

If I learned anything from Jerome Bettis, Jerry Seinfeld, and myself, it's that you should always leave them wanting more. Go out on top.

I don't want to be like Tony Romo, and peak early then fizzle out into obscurity and show up at the ProBowl in one month feeling like a 7th grader who crashed a prom knowing that I don't deserve to be there, hanging around all the "grown ups" knowing that everybody thinks that Matt Hasselback or Jon Kitna are better quarterbacks than me and that I cost the Cowboys a chance to advance to the next round because I couldn't hold on to a football, and I smell, and I don't like Burgers.

That's not who I am.

So this will be my last post.

I want to thank everybody who's ever read this blog. You are responsible for this greatness more than I am. Of course, that's not true. The only reason you are here is because I'm a master story teller. I was just being modest.

When I started this blog exactly 75 days ago (maybe, I'm just guesstimating) I had no idea how much of an impact it would have on my life. I just wanted an outlet. A way to share with the world my hilarious, well-articulated thoughts. I realized during the live blog last night that it has become so much more than that. I'm now not just a future hall of fame quarterback, but a future hall of fame author/entertainer as well.

So where do we go from here? Will I be back next year? Did Homo cry like a little girl in the locker room last night? These are questions that have no answers. Except for the Homo crying one. The answer to that is "OH God yes."

That reminds me. One final Homo story for the road:

As Homo sat by his locker, with this head in his hands shivering from sadness, tears rolling off of his elbows and onto his knees, I almost felt bad enough not to mess with him... But I couldn't resist!

I walked up to him, put my hand on his shoulder and said "Hey Buddy. I know how you're feeling. This is probably the low point in your life. You look around and you're surrounded by a room full of people you've disappointed today. It's tough to look any one of us in the eye and say "Thanks for practicing all year long and preparing, but it doesn't matter because I couldn't hold onto a football." As an athlete there is nothing worse than letting your team down. It's hard, I know. It's really hard. But on the plus side I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko. Also -- Did you get my letter? Because I think I forgot to STAMP IT!"

He moved his foot as I went to stomp on it, but I think I got him pretty good otherwise.

Okay, thanks for reading everybody. It's been fun. I'm leaving the comments open, so if you have anything to say, just know that I'll be reading them.

Burgers,
Drew Bledsoe.

PS - Oh right. Almost forgot. I promised these guys I would plug THEIR sports blog. They're pretty good, if you're into like, sports related comedy. I told them most of my readers were just here to read the truth, they weren't here to laugh. Either way, they insisted, so check out StraightCashHomey.net.

TonyHomo.com has been a Straight Cash, Homey! production. For more information about Tony Homo, check out StraightCashHomey.net, right now. Like... RIGHT NOW.

Post Game - The Live Blog Ends

8:19- The Perfect Ending.

Think Homo will notice if I just keep his blackberry?

My guess is he has bigger things to worry about...

Wow.

Good night everybody.

Fourth Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

8:17

One more play...

One more play...


8:09

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM #1!!!!
IM #1!!!!
IM #1!!!!
IM #1!!!!

8:06

Witten makes the catch! But he looks like hes... i'd say half a Burger short...

Official Review...

7:56

Touchdown Seattle. We're down 21-20. Normal score, but the way we got there is pretty abnormal.

Now all we need is for our pro-bowl quarterback to lead us down the field for a game winning field goal!

Then why is everybody so nervous?

7:51

Two interesting facts:

1) I called that Safety.

2) The current score (20/15) is my vision. Better than perfect. So.

7:48

Incompletion? Hamburgers? Touchback? Safety? Touchdown? Burger?

Nobody knows!!!!

7:43

The Good news is... We held them.

The bad news is... Romo on his own 1 screams SAFETY!

Remember that farting game where you had to scream safety after a fart before the other person yelled doorknob? Just thinking out loud...

7:39
Pass interference in the end zone! Some guy just said "There's a flag on the field!"

Then I was like "There's a fag on the bench!" and pointed at Homo!

So good. Anyway. first and goal on the one.

7:37
Fourth and short, about... 8 Burgers maybe? Coach decides to kick the field goal.

If you don't trust your quarterback to get 1 yard for you, who can you trust?

7:30
Another Julius Jones run. Each one of them is a slap in the face of Romo.

If only I could put a note on Julius' back that says "I DONT TRUST YOU!" -- coach, so Homo can see that during every rushing play.

7:27
All right, just tried my joke again because this was an actual challenge situation.

"We should challenge Coach's ruling on the field that Homo shouldn't be starting!"

No response. Are all my teammates deaf?

Third Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

7:19
Third quarter ends the same way the season has gone. Two Homo incompletions.

Burn of the Game: I just told Homo that it may be called Foot-ball, but that's no reason to keep throwing the ball at people's feet!

7:11
Just had a conversation with Andrea Kramer (sideline reporter for NBC)

Me: If you want an interview, just let me know five minutes ahead of time.

Andrea: Huh?

Me: If you want an interview. Just let me know a little ahead of time. I want to prepare.

Andrea: Haha, okay.

Me: So like. Want to right now?

Andrea: No.

Me: Is it because of that five minute thing? Don't be such a bitch.

Andrea: Excuse me?

Me: Can't wait to blog this.

7:06
Homo just said it's a good thing Miles Austin isn't playing NFL Europe or his name would be Kilometers Austin.

I told him that nobody gets his stupid jokes.

7:01
TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!

I told the special teams that if we want to score we better do it before Homo gets on the field.

Lo and behold:

TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!

We may survive for me to play again next week after all...

6:58
Two fourth down conversions. First one was about fourth and one Burger. Second one was Fourth and Three Burgers.

BRB - First down and 45 Burgers to go.

6:55
I just said out loud "The Cowboys are challenging the ruling on the field that Homo should still be playing."

lol. I wish people here would shut up so my teammates could hear me.

6:49
I just overheard Coach chewing out Romo. I wish I could repeat it, but I know there are children reading this blog.

... oh well. They grow up fast. Here it is:

"You gotta be fucking kidding me! I told you to protect the fucking ball! Meanwhile you're holding it like a slippery dick! If you're going to act like a dirty cunt I'm gonna treat you like one! YOU UNDERSTAND YOU UGLY PIECE OF SHIT!? DO YOU HEAR ME!? FUCK PISS SHIT PUSSY!"

I'm sorry you guys had to hear that.

6:48

That was quick. 38 seconds into the second half: Another Romo Fumble.

If it's any consolation, our halftime adjustments included Homo fumbling it more often. Coach's logic was "as long as he's not throwing it, we're fine."

Halftime - Live Blog Continued...

Halftime. Everybody grab a Burger and meet back here in 15.

ps - Boys if you're reading this, go to sleep! It's past bed time!

pps - Don't give me that "let me stay up, daddy!" I said, GO TO BED!

ppps - That's it, no Burgers for you guys for eight hours. I'm serious. Bed. Now. Another peep out of you and it's ten hours!

Second Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

6:30
Tony is hurt. I'll keep you guys posted!

ps - I guess we scored a touchdown or something.

6:26
I was putting on my helmet.

What happened? how are we on the 4?

6:25
Well, I was wrong. Homo blew it by throwing another horrible pass to T.O. Isn't it weird how Owens leads the league in "dropped passes" with Romo at QB?

I told Coach, if he needed me, I'm ready for 4th and 2.

6:18
WARNING! WARNING! THERE ARE TWO MINUTES LEFT IN THE HALF!!!

... not really much of a warning is it?

But when I sign petitions that state the name should be change to "Two Minute Friendly Announcement" the commissioner just laughs it off.

Here's a warning: Don't ignore the best players in the league Mr. Commissioner. You'll soon regret it.

Note: that was a not a threat.

In other news Cowboys are marching down the field... time to play another rousing rendition of HOW WILL HOMO BLOW IT?

My money is always on: Fumble.


6:13
Another Homo 3 and out.

Somewhere Roger Staubach is rolling around in his grave, or, if hes still alive, TOWARDS his grave.

6:10
Homo just got a text message from his mom!

It said "Relax! You're #1!"

I responded and said "Mom, I think I'm gay. TTY after the game. Bye."

lol.

6:03
Another Commenter Question: Anonymous Writes-
Hey Drew,
what would your stats be at this point if Coach had made the correct move and started you?

Hey Anonymous,
It's tough to say... but somewhere in the vicinity of 9/9 205 yards 2 scores with 3 rushes for 14 yards. Also, team morale would be at an all time high.

I just asked one of the waterboys for a Burger and he gave me a gatorade. I poured it on coach and said "this was for the mini victory of getting here."

...he didn't appreciate it.

5:57
I'm trying to think of NBC signs that are anti-Homo that I can pass out to fans who want to be on TV.

So far I have:

Need
Bledsoe!
C'mon!

and:

'Nother
Bad
Completion*

*completion = incompletion by Romo.

Guys got any other good ones?

5:54
Another Homo 3 n' out. What would you expect?

And for those wondering, Yes Andrea Kramer looks like a very very old Melissa Stark, and yes, I would still hit that.

(Just kidding, baby, you know I love you. Daddy's coming home soon.)

First Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

8:45
First quarter over and Homo hasn't fumbled yet.

Current stats (including a Witten incompletion): 3/9 for 30 yards. Which way to Hawaii?

Question for commenters: Have they shown that hilarious commercial where they compare family members to food!? Oh man, that black guy looks just like that loaf of wheat bread!

8:42

I cannot believe that Witten fumble...

...that was CLEALRY an incompletion. That should NOT have counted. Homo should be 3/9! I'm about five second away from fashioning a red flag to throw.

Has anybody seen my red cape?

8:40

This is my impersonation of Homo doing a silent snap.

I just did it. Anybody reading this from Qwest stadium see that?

8:38
Another commenter question:
Anonymous Asks: How many tickets did you buy for family and friends up there, Drew?

I made an order for 135. I was granted 4. Then I bought 16 more from a ticket broker. However, I messed up and bought ticket stubs for last year's Seattle AFC championship game. To make up for my losses I had to sell the four tickets that I received on eBay.

Oh, well. Nana prefers watching the cowboys on TV anyway. Isn't that right nana?

8:35

I guess the problem is that Terrell Owens looks like a giant patch of grass, so you can't really fault Homo for that errant pass...

Have I mentioned before how many AFC Championship games I've won? The answer is two.

We're probably going to get one or two turnovers this game, and we've already squandered one of them. Did you know Blackberry's don't have solitaire on them!? Bullshit.


8:26
Homo was 1/4 on that drive. And that's against a Seahawks secondary missing 3 starting cornerbacks. Meanwhile, he's going to Hawaii and Hasselback is not.

Gonna answer some commenter's questions so be sure to leave some interesting ones.

Anonymous asks: You think that Coach would let you line up at WR like Wallace did for Seattle?

Already asked. Coach say's "We'll see." Sounds promising!!!

Ooo... an interception. Here come's Homo!

8:25
Do you see that thing on Homo's wrist? It has every single play we run. Jokes on him though. I replaced the last column with a McDonald's menu.

That last play we just ran is called a McChicken Z slant Right.

8:23

1/3 with two errant throws... Not sure how long Coach is gonna stand for this. I'm gonna put my helmet on just in case.

8:22

First pass looked pretty good. He almost hit Craytons Knees. I guess Patrick told him he'd catch that one with his feet?

8:19
First play - Rush with Julius. If Coach doesn't trust Homo, why is he even playing!?

8:17
Field Goal Seattle! Homo is looking pretty good so far, huh?

NOT!

8:14
During early time outs I like to contemplate stuff... it clears my head.

Right now I'm wondering... could God invent a Burger so large, not even I could consume it?

Timeouts not over, and I already know the answer: No.

What should I do now?

8:11
After Hasselback started 3/3 with a first down I just heard somebody say that Hasselback looks like a bald Drew Bledsoe.

How bout that pass to Bobby Engram? Imagine if Hasselback had my head of hair... he would be a complete QB.

8:09
I took a risk and called Heads. It was tails. I just wanted the ball in the second half, because I'll probably be starting by then.

8:05
With kick off just moments away, some random things I've noticed:

The gap in Shaun Alexander's teeth is even larger in person. Easily big enough to fit a toothpick through. (horizontally)

I'd say 90% of the crowd is wearing a Seattle jersey, and about 1% of those are Ricky Watters throwbacks.

Homo is wearing a beanie. I told him "You ain't used to this cold, huh Mexico Boy?" He told me he grew up in Wisconsin, then went to school in Illinois. I told him I didn't wanna hear his life story.

Me? I'm used to it. I feel at home in the Pacific Northwest...

BRB - Coinflip.

Pregame - The Live Blog Begins

4:54

All right, some funny ones. I'll include one digit so you guys know I'm not lying.

Bob Sagat - xx3-xxx-xxxx
Horatio Sanz (xxx)-xxx-xxx3
Mark Summers - (xxx)-9xx-xxxx
IKEA - x8xx-xxx-xxxx
Mom - xxx-3xx-xxxx


No Carrie Underwood or Jessica Simpson, but oddly enough Enrique Iglasius is in here. (xxx-xxx-xx1x)

BRB - kick off.

4:48
Lot's of stars out tonight. I saw Bill Gates, Dave Grohl, Al Michaels, and of course: Yours truly.

Mike Holmgren just asked me how I was doing. I told him things were going well. He told me to keep my head up. I told him to stop looking like a Walrus.

Well, I didn't really say that, but I should have. I'm going to look for funny phone numbers in Homo's blackberry. BRB.



4:32PM
Homo and I were just warming up. I challenged him to a throwing contest.

Me: Let's see who can throw the ball farther.

Homo: Hold on, let me get loose here.

Me: Think you can hit those uprights from here?

Homo: No. Hold on. Let me just throw, man.

Me: I don't think you can either.

Homo: Okay.

Then I threw about a 70 yarder. Hit a camera guy right in the back of the neck. Oh, and for those of you wondering, Homo is not looking good. Pretty nervous. Very tight. I'm pretty relaxed though.

4:28PM - Seattle Time
Phew,

I thought Homo would never leave. He finally just took the field. Took his Blackberry. This thing is pretty sweet. I'm gonna try to figure out where tetris is. I'm really good at that game. Be back soon.

35 Minutes 'till game time. I'm gonna keep the comments section open for business. Feel free to introduce yourself. Let's hear everybodys 1)Name, 2)Location 3) Favorite Burger.

I'll start:

Drew B.
From Washington
Favorite Burger: Hasn't been invented yet.

You Are Cordially Invited...

You are looking at a state of the art, digital invitation (designed by yours truly) to my very first Live Blog.

I figured, with every sports blog turning into a Tony Homo filled hate-fest nowaday, I would differentiate myself a little. What other site could offer live blogging of our playoff game against Seattle, from the sidelines by a future Hall of Fame Quarterback?

The great news is, the game will be on a seven second delay to television audiences. I figure if I can blog in six seconds or under, not only will you be reading my hilarious running commentary, you'll be privy to information that those other suckers won't get until seconds later!

I know what you guys are thinking, "Drew. Thank you. This is the greatest gift since the Earl of Hamburg invented Burgers and the Earl of Cheeseburg invented CheeseBurgers. But how can I help?"

Please. It's all right. Your presence shall be your presents. Just show up here at game time and enjoy.

"NO!!! I WANT TO HELP! I NEED TO!"

All right, okay. You can help spread the word. If you have a blog, copy the following text to embed the invitation above into your blog:

<a href="http://tonyhomo.blogspot.com"><img border="0" src="http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/6979/2004998838901519570_rs.jpg"> </a>

If you belong to a message board, copy the following text to embed the invitation above into your message board:
[IMG]http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/6979/2004998838901519570_rs.jpg[/IMG]

And of course, you can always just link them to this blog.

"That's a lot of work, what's in it for me?"

You just said you wanted to help!

"Yeah, but now you're getting a little greedy."

Okay, fine. If you do post the invite on your blog or message board, leave the link in the comments section so I can personally thank you...

"Lame."

Let me finish! I can personally thank you... by sending you the sweet autographed Burger sketch I showed off in this post.. I will give it away to one lucky reader who left the invite in any message board or any blog.

I've said a lot. If any of this confuses you, please consult the frequently asked questions below.

FAQ's

What's a Live Blog?
A live blog is when somebody, in this case me, updates his blog as an event is going on, in this case our playoff game at Seattle. So as the game unfolds I will be updating this baby instantly. It'll be like watching the game with my hilarious commentary throughout. You will finally understand how lucky my teammates are, because they get to listen to my jokes all game long.

How can you do that from the sidelines?
Blackberry. Homo usually leaves his in his locker so I'll just use it during game time. He won't care about the minutes I use because it'll seem very irrelevant after he gets cut for losing our first playoff game in four years.

What if Parcells comes to his senses by Saturday and you get to play?
If Coach actually wants to win on Saturday and decides to put me in there (hopefully by the fourth quarter so I can have enough time to dig us out of the Homo sized hole) I'll try to blog in between touchdown passes.

If the Cowboys lose, will this be your last blog entry?
... We'll see.

How many playoff games have you won, again? And how many has Romo won?
Great question. I've won three. Including a Superbowl (kinda.) and Homo has won zero playoff games. So.

---
All right everybody. It's (any time of day) so you know what that means -- Burgertime. I'm considering making it over to Jack-in-the-Box for the new Bacon Cheddar Ciabatta Burger. I usually don't like ethnic foods... but I might give this one a shot. Let's see how those Italians mess up a Bacon Cheeseburger with their stinky Euro-bread.

See ya Saturday night!
(5pm Seattle time. 7pm Dallas time. Anywhere else, you'll have to simply guess.)