Second Round, BYE!
Long time no blog. I'll start by giving you the facts. Fact: Homo is now 0-2 in the postseason.
Fact: I am 3-0 in the postseason (with three Losses#. I mean Losses$. Okay, anybody know how to do an asterisk? These new Macbooks suck. #&)@(!@ddDDdd. Nothin'.)
Fact: Homo thinks Gatorade is made out of acid, and tries his hardest to make sure his coaches are never showered in it. This stems from the time I offered him a hydrochloric x-treme mango after a practice.
Fact: I coulda hooked up with Jessica Simpson two years ago but passed because she said no.
Fact: Pancake batter makes for great pancake syrup. Honestly, try it.
So what now? Obviously Tony's career is over. Point blank. Tonight's game was the equivalent of a spinal injury, which means that those of you who prayed for that, got what you wished without any of that "lingering guilt." Don't ever tell me there is no God. Me? I believe in our maker every time I bite into Wendy's Baconator.
Quick aside: I actually pitched the Baconator to Wendy's five years ago and they passed. Only my version was much better than the current one. I mean, who wouldn't agree that the Baconator would be ten times better if the bacon were replaced by a patty. And the cheese. And several of the sesame seeds atop the bun. And the bun. Each full-grown heffer could only make three of those, so I like it.
People emailed me this week asking me about Tony's vacation to Mexico with Jason Witten. Those are two grown men and they can do whatever they want. Especially in Mexico. That place is like international waters, except on land. And if you're wondering about his three way kiss with Anthony Fasano, and Lindsay Lohan at a club in downtown NYC, I only have one comment: No Comment.
Is it a distraction? Of course. During my Super Bowl run in 1996, I didn't even go to Mexican RESTAURANTS with Ben Coates. Yes, I spent four magical days in Finland with Dave Meggett between the AFC Title game and the Super Bowl, but that was different. He was a running back. David, if you're reading this: Ei laaksoa ei kukkulaa, ei vettä, rantaa rakkaampaa my friend.
Another big story -- Terrell's tears. I actually got a chance to talk to T.O. for an EXCLUSIVE TONYHOMO.COM INTERVIEW. Had my wife transcribe it, so here we go:
Me: Terrell?
TO: Who is this?
Me: Terrell, baby, it's Drew. How you doin' buddy?
TO: How'd you get this number?
Me: Haha. Question Numero Deuce. Or, whatever's "One" in Italian: Final score prediction if I was QB?
TO: Bye.
Me: Thank you so much for your time. MAURA! MAURA GET THE FUCK OVER HERE. Transcribe this for me, baby, and there's a steak in it for you. Just...C'mon, you know I can't type. Thank you, sweetie. Oh, and Terrell's answer should read 45-2. I dunno what TO said, it kinda came in fuzzy but I think he responded 45-2. Do you have Jose Cortez' number, baby? Don't correct me. Yes, I turned the recorder off, I'm not an idiot. I am NOT chewing on a staple remover, just please. I'm begging you.
---
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beef to ground.
Love you all,
Drew
PS - Does anybody know what gets cow blood out of wedding albums?
PPS - Yes, I was a finalist to become a new American Gladiator (for the role of TOA) but they ended up going with some Samoan guy. They then offered me the role of BIG BAD WOLF but I told them my howling would be too deafening and we parted ways.
PPPS - I would be remiss if I didn't mention StraightCashHomey.net. It's a whole website dedicated to people wearing Jersey's of future Hall of Famers who can throw a tight-ass spiral. Like check out this guy in my Cowboys threads.
posted by Really Drew Bledsoe | 8:29 PM
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