TonyHomo.com: Drew Bledsoe's Blog

2010 is the new 2006

2010-10-25T23:28:00.002-05:00

Contemplating coming out of retirement thanks to twitter...

current mood: burgers.

Second Round, BYE!

2008-01-13T20:29:00.000-06:00

Long time no blog. I'll start by giving you the facts.

Fact: Homo is now 0-2 in the postseason.

Fact: I am 3-0 in the postseason (with three Losses#. I mean Losses$. Okay, anybody know how to do an asterisk? These new Macbooks suck. #&)@(!@ddDDdd. Nothin'.)

Fact: Homo thinks Gatorade is made out of acid, and tries his hardest to make sure his coaches are never showered in it. This stems from the time I offered him a hydrochloric x-treme mango after a practice.

Fact: I coulda hooked up with Jessica Simpson two years ago but passed because she said no.

Fact: Pancake batter makes for great pancake syrup. Honestly, try it.

So what now? Obviously Tony's career is over. Point blank. Tonight's game was the equivalent of a spinal injury, which means that those of you who prayed for that, got what you wished without any of that "lingering guilt." Don't ever tell me there is no God. Me? I believe in our maker every time I bite into Wendy's Baconator.

Quick aside: I actually pitched the Baconator to Wendy's five years ago and they passed. Only my version was much better than the current one. I mean, who wouldn't agree that the Baconator would be ten times better if the bacon were replaced by a patty. And the cheese. And several of the sesame seeds atop the bun. And the bun. Each full-grown heffer could only make three of those, so I like it.

People emailed me this week asking me about Tony's vacation to Mexico with Jason Witten. Those are two grown men and they can do whatever they want. Especially in Mexico. That place is like international waters, except on land. And if you're wondering about his three way kiss with Anthony Fasano, and Lindsay Lohan at a club in downtown NYC, I only have one comment: No Comment.

Is it a distraction? Of course. During my Super Bowl run in 1996, I didn't even go to Mexican RESTAURANTS with Ben Coates. Yes, I spent four magical days in Finland with Dave Meggett between the AFC Title game and the Super Bowl, but that was different. He was a running back. David, if you're reading this: Ei laaksoa ei kukkulaa, ei vettä, rantaa rakkaampaa my friend.

Another big story -- Terrell's tears. I actually got a chance to talk to T.O. for an EXCLUSIVE TONYHOMO.COM INTERVIEW. Had my wife transcribe it, so here we go:

Me: Terrell?

TO: Who is this?

Me: Terrell, baby, it's Drew. How you doin' buddy?

TO: How'd you get this number?

Me: Haha. Question Numero Deuce. Or, whatever's "One" in Italian: Final score prediction if I was QB?

TO: Bye.

Me: Thank you so much for your time. MAURA! MAURA GET THE FUCK OVER HERE. Transcribe this for me, baby, and there's a steak in it for you. Just...C'mon, you know I can't type. Thank you, sweetie. Oh, and Terrell's answer should read 45-2. I dunno what TO said, it kinda came in fuzzy but I think he responded 45-2. Do you have Jose Cortez' number, baby? Don't correct me. Yes, I turned the recorder off, I'm not an idiot. I am NOT chewing on a staple remover, just please. I'm begging you.

---

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beef to ground.

Love you all,
Drew

PS - Does anybody know what gets cow blood out of wedding albums?

PPS - Yes, I was a finalist to become a new American Gladiator (for the role of TOA) but they ended up going with some Samoan guy. They then offered me the role of BIG BAD WOLF but I told them my howling would be too deafening and we parted ways.

PPPS - I would be remiss if I didn't mention StraightCashHomey.net. It's a whole website dedicated to people wearing Jersey's of future Hall of Famers who can throw a tight-ass spiral. Like check out this guy in my Cowboys threads.

Post Forthcoming

2008-01-13T18:48:00.001-06:00

Hello.

My name is Tina. I am Mr. Bledsoe's personal assistant. Mr. Bledsoe is trapped inside of a 45 foot hamburger right now.

(Muffled voice in the distance: 55! 55 foot!)

Yes well, he has alerted me that as soon as he eats himself out he will be writing his entire thoughts on todays game.

He thanks everybody for thinking of him first after another Cowboys loss that ended with a Tony Homo interception.

Be right back.

Watching the Kids Play

2007-10-14T20:31:00.001-05:00

You've heard about it all week, a matchup between The Bledsoe Proteges

Each of these two wannabees learned the game from yours truly. It was like watching myself play. Well, at least the 587 yards and 7 Touchdown part. Those two INT's were just Homo being Homo.

Where do these numbers stack me up against the rest of the league? Without doing any research, my 600 and 7 have me outproducing 80% of NFL quarterback's SEASON output.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find the autistic monkey in charge of the Arizona Cardinals who thought it would be a good idea to let Tim Rattay touch a football again.

I Know Why You're Here...

2007-10-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

Six turnovers against the Bills?!

I haven't seen any of the games this year but sounds like he STILL sucks. I thought I retired this blog, but he's almost leaving me no choice...

Game Over.

2007-01-07T15:17:00.000-06:00

This blog was a way for me, Drew Bledsoe, to deal with the 2006 Dallas Cowboys season.

The season is over. And now so is this blog.

If I learned anything from Jerome Bettis, Jerry Seinfeld, and myself, it's that you should always leave them wanting more. Go out on top.

I don't want to be like Tony Romo, and peak early then fizzle out into obscurity and show up at the ProBowl in one month feeling like a 7th grader who crashed a prom knowing that I don't deserve to be there, hanging around all the "grown ups" knowing that everybody thinks that Matt Hasselback or Jon Kitna are better quarterbacks than me and that I cost the Cowboys a chance to advance to the next round because I couldn't hold on to a football, and I smell, and I don't like Burgers.

That's not who I am.

So this will be my last post.

I want to thank everybody who's ever read this blog. You are responsible for this greatness more than I am. Of course, that's not true. The only reason you are here is because I'm a master story teller. I was just being modest.

When I started this blog exactly 75 days ago (maybe, I'm just guesstimating) I had no idea how much of an impact it would have on my life. I just wanted an outlet. A way to share with the world my hilarious, well-articulated thoughts. I realized during the live blog last night that it has become so much more than that. I'm now not just a future hall of fame quarterback, but a future hall of fame author/entertainer as well.

So where do we go from here? Will I be back next year? Did Homo cry like a little girl in the locker room last night? These are questions that have no answers. Except for the Homo crying one. The answer to that is "OH God yes."

That reminds me. One final Homo story for the road:

As Homo sat by his locker, with this head in his hands shivering from sadness, tears rolling off of his elbows and onto his knees, I almost felt bad enough not to mess with him... But I couldn't resist!

I walked up to him, put my hand on his shoulder and said "Hey Buddy. I know how you're feeling. This is probably the low point in your life. You look around and you're surrounded by a room full of people you've disappointed today. It's tough to look any one of us in the eye and say "Thanks for practicing all year long and preparing, but it doesn't matter because I couldn't hold onto a football." As an athlete there is nothing worse than letting your team down. It's hard, I know. It's really hard. But on the plus side I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko. Also -- Did you get my letter? Because I think I forgot to STAMP IT!"

He moved his foot as I went to stomp on it, but I think I got him pretty good otherwise.

Okay, thanks for reading everybody. It's been fun. I'm leaving the comments open, so if you have anything to say, just know that I'll be reading them.

Burgers,
Drew Bledsoe.

PS - Oh right. Almost forgot. I promised these guys I would plug THEIR sports blog. They're pretty good, if you're into like, sports related comedy. I told them most of my readers were just here to read the truth, they weren't here to laugh. Either way, they insisted, so check out StraightCashHomey.net.

TonyHomo.com has been a Straight Cash, Homey! production. For more information about Tony Homo, check out StraightCashHomey.net, right now. Like... RIGHT NOW.

Post Game - The Live Blog Ends

2007-01-06T22:20:00.000-06:00

8:19- The Perfect Ending.

Think Homo will notice if I just keep his blackberry?

My guess is he has bigger things to worry about...

Wow.

Good night everybody.

Fourth Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

2007-01-06T21:25:00.000-06:00

8:17

One more play...

One more play...

8:09

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM #1!!!!
IM #1!!!!
IM #1!!!!
IM #1!!!!

8:06

Witten makes the catch! But he looks like hes... i'd say half a Burger short...

Official Review...

7:56

Touchdown Seattle. We're down 21-20. Normal score, but the way we got there is pretty abnormal.

Now all we need is for our pro-bowl quarterback to lead us down the field for a game winning field goal!

Then why is everybody so nervous?

7:51

Two interesting facts:

1) I called that Safety.

2) The current score (20/15) is my vision. Better than perfect. So.

7:48

Incompletion? Hamburgers? Touchback? Safety? Touchdown? Burger?

Nobody knows!!!!

7:43

The Good news is... We held them.

The bad news is... Romo on his own 1 screams SAFETY!

Remember that farting game where you had to scream safety after a fart before the other person yelled doorknob? Just thinking out loud...

7:39
Pass interference in the end zone! Some guy just said "There's a flag on the field!"

Then I was like "There's a fag on the bench!" and pointed at Homo!

So good. Anyway. first and goal on the one.

7:37
Fourth and short, about... 8 Burgers maybe? Coach decides to kick the field goal.

If you don't trust your quarterback to get 1 yard for you, who can you trust?

7:30
Another Julius Jones run. Each one of them is a slap in the face of Romo.

If only I could put a note on Julius' back that says "I DONT TRUST YOU!" -- coach, so Homo can see that during every rushing play.

7:27
All right, just tried my joke again because this was an actual challenge situation.

"We should challenge Coach's ruling on the field that Homo shouldn't be starting!"

No response. Are all my teammates deaf?

Third Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

2007-01-06T20:46:00.000-06:00

7:19
Third quarter ends the same way the season has gone. Two Homo incompletions.

Burn of the Game: I just told Homo that it may be called Foot-ball, but that's no reason to keep throwing the ball at people's feet!

7:11
Just had a conversation with Andrea Kramer (sideline reporter for NBC)

Me: If you want an interview, just let me know five minutes ahead of time.

Andrea: Huh?

Me: If you want an interview. Just let me know a little ahead of time. I want to prepare.

Andrea: Haha, okay.

Me: So like. Want to right now?

Andrea: No.

Me: Is it because of that five minute thing? Don't be such a bitch.

Andrea: Excuse me?

Me: Can't wait to blog this.

7:06
Homo just said it's a good thing Miles Austin isn't playing NFL Europe or his name would be Kilometers Austin.

I told him that nobody gets his stupid jokes.

7:01
TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!

I told the special teams that if we want to score we better do it before Homo gets on the field.

Lo and behold:

TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!

We may survive for me to play again next week after all...

6:58
Two fourth down conversions. First one was about fourth and one Burger. Second one was Fourth and Three Burgers.

BRB - First down and 45 Burgers to go.

6:55
I just said out loud "The Cowboys are challenging the ruling on the field that Homo should still be playing."

lol. I wish people here would shut up so my teammates could hear me.

6:49
I just overheard Coach chewing out Romo. I wish I could repeat it, but I know there are children reading this blog.

... oh well. They grow up fast. Here it is:

"You gotta be fucking kidding me! I told you to protect the fucking ball! Meanwhile you're holding it like a slippery dick! If you're going to act like a dirty cunt I'm gonna treat you like one! YOU UNDERSTAND YOU UGLY PIECE OF SHIT!? DO YOU HEAR ME!? FUCK PISS SHIT PUSSY!"

I'm sorry you guys had to hear that.

6:48

That was quick. 38 seconds into the second half: Another Romo Fumble.

If it's any consolation, our halftime adjustments included Homo fumbling it more often. Coach's logic was "as long as he's not throwing it, we're fine."

Halftime - Live Blog Continued...

2007-01-06T20:32:00.000-06:00

Halftime. Everybody grab a Burger and meet back here in 15.

ps - Boys if you're reading this, go to sleep! It's past bed time!

pps - Don't give me that "let me stay up, daddy!" I said, GO TO BED!

ppps - That's it, no Burgers for you guys for eight hours. I'm serious. Bed. Now. Another peep out of you and it's ten hours!

Second Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

2007-01-06T19:49:00.000-06:00

6:30
Tony is hurt. I'll keep you guys posted!

ps - I guess we scored a touchdown or something.

6:26
I was putting on my helmet.

What happened? how are we on the 4?

6:25
Well, I was wrong. Homo blew it by throwing another horrible pass to T.O. Isn't it weird how Owens leads the league in "dropped passes" with Romo at QB?

I told Coach, if he needed me, I'm ready for 4th and 2.

6:18
WARNING! WARNING! THERE ARE TWO MINUTES LEFT IN THE HALF!!!

... not really much of a warning is it?

But when I sign petitions that state the name should be change to "Two Minute Friendly Announcement" the commissioner just laughs it off.

Here's a warning: Don't ignore the best players in the league Mr. Commissioner. You'll soon regret it.

Note: that was a not a threat.

In other news Cowboys are marching down the field... time to play another rousing rendition of HOW WILL HOMO BLOW IT?

My money is always on: Fumble.

6:13
Another Homo 3 and out.

Somewhere Roger Staubach is rolling around in his grave, or, if hes still alive, TOWARDS his grave.

6:10
Homo just got a text message from his mom!

It said "Relax! You're #1!"

I responded and said "Mom, I think I'm gay. TTY after the game. Bye."

lol.

6:03
Another Commenter Question: Anonymous Writes-
Hey Drew,
what would your stats be at this point if Coach had made the correct move and started you?

Hey Anonymous,
It's tough to say... but somewhere in the vicinity of 9/9 205 yards 2 scores with 3 rushes for 14 yards. Also, team morale would be at an all time high.

I just asked one of the waterboys for a Burger and he gave me a gatorade. I poured it on coach and said "this was for the mini victory of getting here."

...he didn't appreciate it.

5:57
I'm trying to think of NBC signs that are anti-Homo that I can pass out to fans who want to be on TV.

So far I have:

Need
Bledsoe!
C'mon!

and:

'Nother
Bad
Completion*

*completion = incompletion by Romo.

Guys got any other good ones?

5:54
Another Homo 3 n' out. What would you expect?

And for those wondering, Yes Andrea Kramer looks like a very very old Melissa Stark, and yes, I would still hit that.

(Just kidding, baby, you know I love you. Daddy's coming home soon.)

First Quarter - Live Blog Continued...

2007-01-06T19:05:00.000-06:00

8:45
First quarter over and Homo hasn't fumbled yet.

Current stats (including a Witten incompletion): 3/9 for 30 yards. Which way to Hawaii?

Question for commenters: Have they shown that hilarious commercial where they compare family members to food!? Oh man, that black guy looks just like that loaf of wheat bread!

8:42

I cannot believe that Witten fumble...

...that was CLEALRY an incompletion. That should NOT have counted. Homo should be 3/9! I'm about five second away from fashioning a red flag to throw.

Has anybody seen my red cape?

8:40

This is my impersonation of Homo doing a silent snap.

I just did it. Anybody reading this from Qwest stadium see that?

8:38
Another commenter question:
Anonymous Asks: How many tickets did you buy for family and friends up there, Drew?

I made an order for 135. I was granted 4. Then I bought 16 more from a ticket broker. However, I messed up and bought ticket stubs for last year's Seattle AFC championship game. To make up for my losses I had to sell the four tickets that I received on eBay.

Oh, well. Nana prefers watching the cowboys on TV anyway. Isn't that right nana?

8:35

I guess the problem is that Terrell Owens looks like a giant patch of grass, so you can't really fault Homo for that errant pass...

Have I mentioned before how many AFC Championship games I've won? The answer is two.

We're probably going to get one or two turnovers this game, and we've already squandered one of them. Did you know Blackberry's don't have solitaire on them!? Bullshit.

8:26
Homo was 1/4 on that drive. And that's against a Seahawks secondary missing 3 starting cornerbacks. Meanwhile, he's going to Hawaii and Hasselback is not.

Gonna answer some commenter's questions so be sure to leave some interesting ones.

Anonymous asks: You think that Coach would let you line up at WR like Wallace did for Seattle?

Already asked. Coach say's "We'll see." Sounds promising!!!

Ooo... an interception. Here come's Homo!

8:25
Do you see that thing on Homo's wrist? It has every single play we run. Jokes on him though. I replaced the last column with a McDonald's menu.

That last play we just ran is called a McChicken Z slant Right.

8:23

1/3 with two errant throws... Not sure how long Coach is gonna stand for this. I'm gonna put my helmet on just in case.

8:22

First pass looked pretty good. He almost hit Craytons Knees. I guess Patrick told him he'd catch that one with his feet?

8:19
First play - Rush with Julius. If Coach doesn't trust Homo, why is he even playing!?

8:17
Field Goal Seattle! Homo is looking pretty good so far, huh?

NOT!

8:14
During early time outs I like to contemplate stuff... it clears my head.

Right now I'm wondering... could God invent a Burger so large, not even I could consume it?

Timeouts not over, and I already know the answer: No.

What should I do now?

8:11
After Hasselback started 3/3 with a first down I just heard somebody say that Hasselback looks like a bald Drew Bledsoe.

How bout that pass to Bobby Engram? Imagine if Hasselback had my head of hair... he would be a complete QB.

8:09
I took a risk and called Heads. It was tails. I just wanted the ball in the second half, because I'll probably be starting by then.

8:05
With kick off just moments away, some random things I've noticed:

The gap in Shaun Alexander's teeth is even larger in person. Easily big enough to fit a toothpick through. (horizontally)

I'd say 90% of the crowd is wearing a Seattle jersey, and about 1% of those are Ricky Watters throwbacks.

Homo is wearing a beanie. I told him "You ain't used to this cold, huh Mexico Boy?" He told me he grew up in Wisconsin, then went to school in Illinois. I told him I didn't wanna hear his life story.

Me? I'm used to it. I feel at home in the Pacific Northwest...

BRB - Coinflip.

Pregame - The Live Blog Begins

2007-01-06T18:21:00.000-06:00

4:54

All right, some funny ones. I'll include one digit so you guys know I'm not lying.

Bob Sagat - xx3-xxx-xxxx
Horatio Sanz (xxx)-xxx-xxx3
Mark Summers - (xxx)-9xx-xxxx
IKEA - x8xx-xxx-xxxx
Mom - xxx-3xx-xxxx

No Carrie Underwood or Jessica Simpson, but oddly enough Enrique Iglasius is in here. (xxx-xxx-xx1x)

BRB - kick off.

4:48
Lot's of stars out tonight. I saw Bill Gates, Dave Grohl, Al Michaels, and of course: Yours truly.

Mike Holmgren just asked me how I was doing. I told him things were going well. He told me to keep my head up. I told him to stop looking like a Walrus.

Well, I didn't really say that, but I should have. I'm going to look for funny phone numbers in Homo's blackberry. BRB.

4:32PM
Homo and I were just warming up. I challenged him to a throwing contest.

Me: Let's see who can throw the ball farther.

Homo: Hold on, let me get loose here.

Me: Think you can hit those uprights from here?

Homo: No. Hold on. Let me just throw, man.

Me: I don't think you can either.

Homo: Okay.

Then I threw about a 70 yarder. Hit a camera guy right in the back of the neck. Oh, and for those of you wondering, Homo is not looking good. Pretty nervous. Very tight. I'm pretty relaxed though.

4:28PM - Seattle Time
Phew,

I thought Homo would never leave. He finally just took the field. Took his Blackberry. This thing is pretty sweet. I'm gonna try to figure out where tetris is. I'm really good at that game. Be back soon.

35 Minutes 'till game time. I'm gonna keep the comments section open for business. Feel free to introduce yourself. Let's hear everybodys 1)Name, 2)Location 3) Favorite Burger.

I'll start:

Drew B.
From Washington
Favorite Burger: Hasn't been invented yet.

You Are Cordially Invited...

2007-01-03T21:01:00.000-06:00

You are looking at a state of the art, digital invitation (designed by yours truly) to my very first Live Blog.

I figured, with every sports blog turning into a Tony Homo filled hate-fest nowaday, I would differentiate myself a little. What other site could offer live blogging of our playoff game against Seattle, from the sidelines by a future Hall of Fame Quarterback?

The great news is, the game will be on a seven second delay to television audiences. I figure if I can blog in six seconds or under, not only will you be reading my hilarious running commentary, you'll be privy to information that those other suckers won't get until seconds later!

I know what you guys are thinking, "Drew. Thank you. This is the greatest gift since the Earl of Hamburg invented Burgers and the Earl of Cheeseburg invented CheeseBurgers. But how can I help?"

Please. It's all right. Your presence shall be your presents. Just show up here at game time and enjoy.

"NO!!! I WANT TO HELP! I NEED TO!"

All right, okay. You can help spread the word. If you have a blog, copy the following text to embed the invitation above into your blog:

<a href="http://tonyhomo.blogspot.com"><img border="0" src="http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/6979/2004998838901519570_rs.jpg"> </a>

If you belong to a message board, copy the following text to embed the invitation above into your message board:
[IMG]http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/6979/2004998838901519570_rs.jpg[/IMG]

And of course, you can always just link them to this blog.

"That's a lot of work, what's in it for me?"

You just said you wanted to help!

"Yeah, but now you're getting a little greedy."

Okay, fine. If you do post the invite on your blog or message board, leave the link in the comments section so I can personally thank you...

"Lame."

Let me finish! I can personally thank you... by sending you the sweet autographed Burger sketch I showed off in this post.. I will give it away to one lucky reader who left the invite in any message board or any blog.

I've said a lot. If any of this confuses you, please consult the frequently asked questions below.

FAQ's

What's a Live Blog?
A live blog is when somebody, in this case me, updates his blog as an event is going on, in this case our playoff game at Seattle. So as the game unfolds I will be updating this baby instantly. It'll be like watching the game with my hilarious commentary throughout. You will finally understand how lucky my teammates are, because they get to listen to my jokes all game long.

How can you do that from the sidelines?
Blackberry. Homo usually leaves his in his locker so I'll just use it during game time. He won't care about the minutes I use because it'll seem very irrelevant after he gets cut for losing our first playoff game in four years.

What if Parcells comes to his senses by Saturday and you get to play?
If Coach actually wants to win on Saturday and decides to put me in there (hopefully by the fourth quarter so I can have enough time to dig us out of the Homo sized hole) I'll try to blog in between touchdown passes.

If the Cowboys lose, will this be your last blog entry?
... We'll see.

How many playoff games have you won, again? And how many has Romo won?
Great question. I've won three. Including a Superbowl (kinda.) and Homo has won zero playoff games. So.

---
All right everybody. It's (any time of day) so you know what that means -- Burgertime. I'm considering making it over to Jack-in-the-Box for the new Bacon Cheddar Ciabatta Burger. I usually don't like ethnic foods... but I might give this one a shot. Let's see how those Italians mess up a Bacon Cheeseburger with their stinky Euro-bread.

See ya Saturday night!
(5pm Seattle time. 7pm Dallas time. Anywhere else, you'll have to simply guess.)

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T16:50:00.000-06:00

It's a beautiful morning! Na-na! And its something something something outside! Na-Na-na!

Webster's online dictionary defines "Mobile Quarterback" as "The word(s) you've entered isn't in the dictionary." Fair enough. Maybe I should have split it into two seperate search terms.

Either way, the numbers do not lie: 4 rushes, 4 fumbles, 4 sacks, 9 incompletions, 1 intecerception, 3 consecutive home losses, and one disheartened coach.

A defeated Parcells said, "This is the low point for me in a long time." Just to put things in perspective, Coach divorced his wife of 40 years in 2002, and lost his younger brother in 2005.

Translation: Tony Homo's inability to hold onto the football is worse than death and divorce.

So what can I do? Well, no amount of touchdown passes are going to bring Coach's brother back, that much is true. However, throwing 400 yards and five scores to lead our team to a road playoff win should be enough to rekindle the passion that was lost in Coach's failed marriage.

So this is the plan: I'm going to call his ex-wife, Judy. I'm gonna say that Coach has something to tell her on Saturday night at Qwest Field. Then I'm going to call coach and tell him to go to Qwest Field on Saturday night to coach the game.

After my ridiculous performance (tight spirals are an afrodisiac) Coach will point to her seat in the crowd, then she will be ushered onto the field, and they will passionately embrace... and then... BOOM! Gatorade Shower filled with Ground Beef. Then it's onto Chicago for round 2.

In other news, I had a very serious talk with Homo after the loss to the Lions. I told him he should be a man and give his Pro Bowl Invitation to Jon Kitna.

Him: It doesn't work like that.

Me: Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

Him: It's not up to me. Coach's vote, players voted.

Me: Wow.

Him: Can you actually get outta the way I need to take a shower.

Me: Rose Bowl Prediction: USC 32- Michigan 18.

Him: Okay...

Me: WRITE IT DOWN!!!

True story.

Viva La Resolution!

2006-12-31T08:52:00.000-06:00

It's almost game time, but I realized I forgot to post my New Years Resolutions. Here they are:

- Finally gonna figure out that whole "Half the distance to the goal" thing. I mean, when do we use it, when do we not. I still don't REALLY get it.

- Invent a new Burger. This has been my resolution for the past... probably 25 years. It has lead me to the creation of: The All-Ketchup Burger (dehydrated tomato paste goes a long way), the DrewBurger (four all beef patties on a sesame seed patty), the Weightless SphereBurger (which turned out to be just a levitating meatball), the Buffalo Burger (put a piece of bread on top of a Buffalo, and another one on the bottom of the buffalo, deep fry it and enjoy) and of course next year the Philly Chili Cheese Bang.

- Start a poetry blog. I think people will probably get really into it. And it'll give me something to do in the off-season.

- No more guessing when I can't help my son Stuart out with math homework. Most adults have pretty much forgotten their times tables by now, and I am no exception. It's time for me to 'fess up instead of blindly saying "64. That one is 64, too. Pretty sure its 64." I mean, let's get reasonable here, it's rarely 64. I shoulda chosen a more popular answer like.. 26? Isn't that 4 x 6? Anyway, he's getting a D+ in math and I feel partly responsible. No more.

- "Turf Toe." That's another thing I don't really know... 14 seasons in, I don't know "Turf Toe" and I don't know "Half the Distance to the Goal." Isn't that kind of endearing!?

- And lastly, no more quoting Borat and no more pranks on Tony Romo ............. NOT!!!!!!!

All right, be back later tonight after we lose to the worst team in the NFL at home.

Happy New Years Everybody!

Potpourri

2006-12-28T02:08:00.000-06:00

Hey Y'all. This week has been really crazy. My mind has been racing. I've been jotting down my quick thoughts:

- They say winning is a great deodorant. Which is probably why Romo stinks so much -- Also I farted on his helmet this morning.

- Practice is a human zoo this week. I haven't seen this much media around a team since my SECOND SuperBowl.

- I asked Coach why he was sticking with a proven loser for the most important stretch of our season. He told me not to talk to him while he was taking a crap. Duly noted.

- I say SECOND SuperBowl because some people haven't even been to one.

- My son already put one of his Christmas presents in the trashcan today! I guess that's to be expected when you buy your kid garbage bags for Christmas. Ungrateful prick wouldn't know 'heavy duty' if it jumped out from under his bed at night just to scare the hell out of him.

- Rumor has it Homo is dating American Idol winner Clay Aiken. No comment.

- They say the saddest football movie of all time is Brian's Song. Incorrect. The saddest football movie is a shot for shot real-time remake of any Cowboys game this season in which Homo started. And in a close second: Necessary Roughness.

- Instead of the Heimlich Maneuver, I'm teaching my kids to just breathe through their nose when they're choking on something. That's what I call parenting with dignity.

- I've received many user emails regarding the same question, and I wanted to respond to them: Yes, I'm still going out as team captain for coin flips, and yes I'm calling it correctly almost 50% of the time! No big deal.

- My fantasy team WON the Superbowl! Many of you know, I'm in a four team keeper league with my sons, and my six running back barrage of LJ/LT/Sjax/Gore/Alexander/Tiki were too much to overcome (I can't believe I didn't start Ron Dayne though!)

- I've started to get a haircut every day after lunch.

- People have been asking me what my latest prank on Homo was. Why not just call him yourself? LOL!

- Everybody knows I have a favorite animal: The Moth. But I think I'm almost ready to comitt to a certain type of moth as my favorite.

- I promised my kids I'd take them to DisneyLand if we got a first round bye. Do you have any idea how hard it is to look at your four children and tell them "Tony Homo has single handedly cancelled your guys' vacation to DisneyLand... Also, he made you all appointments to the dentist!"

- My top ten Burgers of 2006 are: Combined into one large Burger and eaten for brunch.

I just wanted to end this post with a video of Homo I found on YouTube (I guess they opened it up recently to include videos of non hall-of-famers. Kind of a stupid idea if you ask me...)

I mean, get a load of this idiot!

By the looks of his pen strokes it seems like he wrote: "Dear Diary, This idiot thinks I'm Drew Bledsoe! I hope he doesn't mind I'm using his poster as a journal! Love, Tony Homo."

Jerk.

Stumbling Towards the Finish Line

2006-12-26T12:17:00.000-06:00

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
An overrated QB.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two interceptions,
And an overrated QB.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three times sacked,
Two interceptions,
And an overrated QB.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four...turtle doves,
Three times sacked,
Two interceptions,
And an overrated QB.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five ... golden rings,
Four ... Interceptions?
Three I forget...
Two turtle doves,
And an overrated QB!!!

You see, the problem is, I was going to make the song with twelve errors in Homo's game, but I didn't really have anything in between two interceptions and fifteen incompletions... And the song only goes up to twelve. But the message is loud and clear.

Well, what is there to be said that hasn't already?

First off, I'm not going to say I told you so... because that won't accomplish anything. I will type it though, so you guys can read it: I TOLD YOU SO!

I know you guys aren't here to read my opinion, so here are some cold hard facts, courtesy of my friend DaveMeggett in the comments section: (Dave, I am assured is a registered fully licensed statistician)

First 5 games of season with ME starting:
29.4 ppg/ Total (361.8) yds per game

Last 5 Games with ROMO starting:
24.6ppg / Total (340) yds per game

And now we're late enough in the season to look at common opponents, such as The Eagles.

When I was quarterback, we only lost by 14 on the road against McNabb.
With Homo at quarterback, we lost by 16 at home against Jeff Garcia.

I don't want to get too antagonizing, but I think an actual big tuna would be able to see that this team was better off before the quarterback change. Nothing too big, just like a 30 pound Blackfin Tuna. Man, what I would give just like to catch one and ask him point blank "Was changing quarterbacks a big mistake or not!?"

T.O and Terry are angry "about the offense" not "playing aggressive enough." Translation: We're working on fashioning a Carrie Underwood shaped bomb to lure our QB into a trap and then explode his arms off.

Coach said "There's nothing good to say. We just didn't make any plays at all, either side of the ball. Just awful." Translation: Romo ruined Christmas. And to a lesser extent, Boxing Day (Canada).

But, life is not all about football. This is the holiday season, so let's move onto more pressing matters:

Half of you reading this post will be familiar with a fast food Burger joint called "Hardee's" and the other half will be familiar with a fast food Burger joint called "Carl's Jr." I am sorry to report, that these two are in fact, the same restaurant.

Here, watch me prove it: Regardless of which one you are familiar with, the logo is a leaning, smiling, yellow star.

See?

Anyway. The reason they do this is so they can roll out regional Burgers to specific markets. If you live on the west side of America, you will only see Carl's Jr. and if you love on the east side of America, you will only see Hardees.

I recently found this out because I peruse fast food restaurant websites on a daily basis to gain the latest information about innovation in Burgers and other Burger related fields (Steak Sanwiches, Chicken Sandwiches, etc.)

What I'm trying to say is, right now Carl's Jr and Hardee's have silmultaneously released two seperate Burgers available exclusively in their restaurants. Hardee's unveiled the Chili Cheese ThickBurger (not available at Carl's Jr.) and Carl's Jr. released the Philly Cheeseteak Burger (Not available at Hardees), which is actually a philly cheesesteak ON TOP of a burger. (both pictured below)

On my scale of 1-100 grams of fat, the Chili Cheese ThickBurger came in with a respectable 60 grams of fat, while the Philly Cheesesteak Burger was given a disappointing 55 grams of fat rating.

While these Burgers are probably somewhat delicious on their own, through the miracles of modern science, I've been able to ascertain how miraculously delicious they would be as one sandwich!

That's right, you are currently salivating at 115 grams of delicious Burger on Burger fat. Once I start my Burger joint (Bledsoe's Grill and Grill) I would undoubtably sell this Chilly Philly Cheese Bang ThickBurger -- with a side of mashed Burgers for dipping.

Until then, your best bet is to go to the furthest east Carl's Jr. in McAlester Oklahoma (tell Gene I say Hi, and I'll be back soon) and then the furthest west Hardees in Emporioa, Kansas (Tell Robby "Drew will be back, don't you worry.")

To those of you who are on vacation until January 2nd, I highly recommend this road trip.

ps - After the game Monday I had some fun with Romo by hitting the showers with my helmet on. You shoulda seen the look on his face when I was finished shampooing my helmet... Totally Punked.

Ho Ho Homo! Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T00:11:00.000-06:00

Christmas and football.

There are other sports/holiday pairings, (Memorial Day/Basketball, Labor Day/Baseball, Boxing Day/Boxing) but nothing goes together quite like Christmas and football.

I think Jesus would have made a great tight end.

Luckily, the Cowboys are at home Christmas day against the Eagles, so my family and I got to spend all day putting up Christmas decorations around the house. It was hard locating a stocking big enough to fit a "Romo Christmas Day Loss" but I think I finally found one!

As you guys know, I'm usually pretty optimistic about the Cowboy's chances to win football games. However, it's going to be pretty sweet watching Romo playing Grinch this Monday and ruining thousands of peoples' Christmas. If only I could trick him into wearing my personalized "Santa isn't Real" Cowboys #9 Jersey...

I am a little dissappointed though. I was hoping that Donovan would make the trip to Dallas, and we could discuss our... similar situations. I'm sure if there is anybody who knows what I'm going through its Donovan McNabb.

We were two football gods.... replaced by mortals. Yes, we have both taken a back seat to some overhyped "back-up."

I know what you're thinking, "But, McNabb was replaced by Garcia because he was injured. He tore his ACL. You are completely healthy. It's not really the same at all."

Weak argument.

First of all, I am injured. I have back spasms. And... I have... Plantar Fasciitis. Kay?

Secondly, you think for a second that Donovan McNabb, torn ACL and all, couldn't be out there competing at a level higher than Garcia? By the same token, don't you think I could overcome my spasms and that other thing I have, to play better than Homo? Well we can. And it kills us to watch these crackers take our starting spots! Donovan is a brother of mine from another mother...of mine. Two mothers, one brother. Does that make sense?

Yes, he's only been to one SuperBowl and I've been to two. And yes, he has less completions and touchdowns in his career than I do, but that doesn't mean that he's not a good quarterback!

Donovan is a family man, just like myself, and for us to lose our starting jobs to these... well... let's just say T.O. told me a lot about Jeff Garcia that I can't repeat right now because this is a family blog. Also, because I'm not really sure how to spell "Tea-bagging." Is there a hyphen in there, or not?

Either way, I was just saying that I'm sad because before this season, I'm sure the fans were looking forward to two future hall of famers going at it Christmas day, and instead they have to watch a couple of girls play catch with the opposing defense.

I understand that the audience feels like little kids again. They expected to wake up early Christmas morning, run downstairs and see boxes big enough to fit bycicles under the tree. Instead they run downstairs and notice their uncle, drunk in a Santa costume, passed out with a massive headwound near where the tree should have been, but now is not. I'm sorry kids, there will be no Christmas this year.

Happy Holidays!

Drew Bledsoe Fantasy Player Rankings - 2007 Edition!

2006-12-21T20:19:00.000-06:00

I've given a good amount of fantasy advice on this blog in the past (Draft me, Trade Romo, Bench any of our wide receivers until I'm playing again, start any defense that plays against Romo, etc.) and if you've been following the advice closely, you should be in the SuperBowl this week. I know I am. (4 team keeper league against my sons.)

However, for those who find themselves on the outside looking in, it's never too early to start scouting for the 2007 draft. To help you out, I spent practice today hiding in the bathroom scribbling notes for my first annual "Drew Bledsoe Fantasy Player Rankings - 2007 Edition!"

1a. Drew Bledsoe: This was SUCH a hard decision because I didn't know whether to put me or LT2 (LaDanian Tomlinson) at 1a or 1b. Ultimately, and such is the case with fantasy, you have to go with your gut. The reason I'm giving myself the edge is only because LT2 will probably fall victim to the Madden Curse (see: Shaun Alexander), which as we all know, affects only African-Americans ages 21-34.

1b. LaDanian Tomlinson: Let's break down the numbers: LaDanian has a paltry two touchdowns passing this year, as opposed to my seven. Also note that I've played in HALF as many games as LT2 because of my... situation (back spasms, etc.) For those of you lucky enough to have the first TWO picks in your draft due to clever trading in a keeper league (Like myself, I traded several dinners and hugs over the past year and now hold the first nine picks in next years draft) you guys are lucky you don't have such a tough decision to make. Always plan ahead.

3. Larry Johnson: This guy is without a doubt the third best player in fantasy next year. Unless the Chiefs sign me, in which case his ranking shoots up to 1b. Through Rain or Shine (my nicknames for Trent Green and Damon Huard) this guy has produced. I'm not sure if I agree with the gang symbol he flashes after each touchdown run, unless he's symbolizing a Burger patty.

4. Steven Jackson: If your league offers bonus points for dreadlocks, like mine does, then Steven Jackson is a must next year. I traded him this year for a Burger (my son was starving) and it was the best fantasy trade I had ever made. As I said with Larry, if I get picked up by the Rams in the offseason, move S.Jax up your depth chart to 1b.

5. Frank Gore: This guy was my sleeper pick of the year. I took him so late in the draft, my kids were already asleep. (I was given free reign during rounds 7,8, and 9.) I knew when Kevan Barlow left the Niners last year, that this guy was ready to be a stud, and he did not prove me wrong. Luckily, in my league, we start 7 running backs. I know, that's a little unorthodox, but in just one season Mr. Gore has gone from a great flex to a dependable #1. Great pick-up in the middle first round next year.

6. Clinton Portis: After his shoulder injury this pre-season Clinton Portis came up to me and said "Drew. I would GLADLY dislocate my other shoulder with my already dislocated shoulder just to see you on Redskins next year." I told him "Clinton, thank you. But if you ever talk to me again while I'm eating a Burger, you won't have to dislocate your other shoulder, because I'll be doing it for you!" He laughed and tried to hug me, then walked away. Either way, hes a solid number 6 in next year's draft.

7. Peyton Manning: I don't like picking a non-Me quarterback so high in the draft, because running backs win fantasy games but if you're going to take the risk, might as well do it on Peyton. I rank quarterbacks on a CTD scale (Closest to Drew Scale) where I am 100 and the higher your ranking, the closer you are to me, the lower your CTD raw score, higher you are on the CTD weighted scale, and Peyton comes in at a whopping 11. So.

8. Shaun Alexander: The story of this year was, how high did you draft Alexander, and were you able to trade him? I picked him second overall this year but was lucky to trade him AFTER his injury for Willy Parker, Larry Fitzgerald, and Brandon Jacobs (I just grounded my kids so they couldn't watch Sportscenter. All's fair in love and fantasy.) Alexander is going to be the biggest wildcard in next year's draft, but for those looking to make a safe risk late in the first round, I say go for it.

9. Willy Parker: Let me give you some numbers (all estimates, not researched) - in 2005 Willy Parker gained 1,729 yards rushing, another 390 receiving and led the AFC in touchdowns with 13. All this while only fumbling the ball ONCE! ONCE! If my guesses are anywhere near true, Willy will be a real STEEL at the end of the first round. Pun intended.

10. Steve Smith: I hate spending a first round draft pick on a wide receiver, but if you're also getting the first pick in the next round, I can deal with it. As for me, I was able to acquire Steve Smith through a loophole in my league, whereas somebody can shout "Supersonic Player Theft - Steve Smith!" during the draft and just gain rights to that player. Unfortunately for my three boys, the move can only be used once a draft, and I usually spring it on them pretty early (sometimes even hours before the draft begins, while they're still at school)

11. Brian Westbrook : I've realized that when it comes to draft behavior, it's stupid to avoid a certain player because he is "injury prone." After eleven years of fantasy I've learned that it is nearly impossible to predict player injuries. Brian Westbrook this year is a perfect example. I love the bonus receiving yards he can give you out of the backfield. I also love the nickname I gave him -- "Burgers." Yup, Burgers Westbrook is a key addition to any fantasy team.

12. Reggie Bush : Look at this kid's productivity for the second half of the year, and in specific, week 13: 37 rushing yards, 131 receiving yards and 4 touchdowns. Extrapolate that over the course of an entire season? This guys is due to blow up for 2,096 receiving yards, 592 rushing yards, and 64 touchdowns. Those are Drew Bledsoe numbers. This guy can flat out play. (Still talking about me, though.)

13. Chicago Defense/ST : Defense is a wildcard, and you'll never know what you're going to get, so if you can secure a consistent 10-30 points every week, and you can trust yourself to find solid 3-7th round picks, why not pick up the Bears defense? Or better yet, pin the owner of another team down against the bathroom floor with your knee pressed firmly against his back until he agrees to trade you the Bears D for Kurt Warner. When he finally succumbs to the pain he'll make that trade. "Daddy was just kidding. You little bitch." All trades are final though.

14. Drew Bledsoe: I know what you're thinking -- twice? in one draft? Yup, it's legal in some leagues.

15. Brandon Jacobs: With Tiki gone, I really like Brandon Jacobs for a second round pick. This guy is a 100% Burger eating American. I told you guys before that I usually see him on the sidelines gnawing on a cleat, well his intensity doesn't stop there. I hear, over the course of the season, he's almost eaten an entire helmet. He wants to time it so that he's eating the chin strap by week 17. Simply incredible. If there's anybody who could tie me in a Burger eating competition its Mr. Jacobs. And that is high praise.

16. Chad Johnson: Love him or hate him, you have to admire the fact that people can either love or hate him. He's a man you hate to love and love to hate and I admire that. You don't have to love him, but you do have to ADMIRE the fact that some people love him. But, you may hate him, and thats okay, too. As long as you admire him as well. I admire that.

17. Drew Brees: This guys reminds me of myself when I was short and ugly. He's like the opposite of Hurricane Katrina. He was a fantasy powerhouse this year. I expect a slight drop off in productivity, but he's still the best Non-me, Non-Peyton quarterback around. A respectable 18 on the CTD scale.

18. Terrell Owens: A triple threat like myself (Football player/Author/Professional Badass!), this guy is a perfect addition to any fantasy team who's looking for some excitement in 2007. Will Terrell play every game next season? Will he be suspended? Will he end his own life? You never know with this joker! So draft him, (or steal him) and prepare for the rollercoaster ride of your life!

19. Stephen Gostkowski: Trust me.

20. Tony Romo: Just in case your league gives bonus points for throwing like a portobello mushroom Burger eating, drunk ballerina with two knives in each shoulder blade then whining when somebody takes a crap in your sneakers because those were your favorite socks. Just buy new socks, pussy!

All right, #21-100 are pretty self-explanatory so you guys can take it from there.

Later Skaters.

Open Letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

2006-12-20T20:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Mr. Commissioner, (aka Roger, aka Rog,)

Sorry this letter is so delayed. I meant to send you one back in September, I probably just mispelled your name or something. Anyway, congratulations and all that, your family must be very proud. I know that commissioner is a pretty tough job, and the fact that you lasted so long without a major mistake is pretty admirable.

However, I am writing to inform you that there has been a little bit of an... error, as it were, in terms of Pro-Bowl voting. It appears as if my colleague, Mr. Antonio Romo (did you know that was his real name? Is that grounds for disqualification?) was, for some inexplicable reason, added to the NFC Roster.

I think my coach said it best: "Am I surprised? I don't think that would be a strong enough word." (DallasCowboys.com)

In fact, according to your website (NFL.com) Mr. H(R)omo was not one of the top 10 Offensive Vote Getters nor was he one of the Top 10 Text Message vote-getters. While Tom Brady was on both lists and not even voted onto the AFC team.

Mr. Commissioner, I know what you're going to say. The fans only account for 1/3 of the vote. The other 2/3 are split evenly between coach and player votes. Well let me tell you, if myself, my teammates, and my coach are any indication, Mr. Antonio McTaco Bell (I'm not racist) did not get any help in those categories.

In fact, as I recall my voting went as follows: First Place Vote: Drew Bledsoe, Second: Drew Brees, Third: Donovan McNabb without the ACL injury, Fourth: Donovan McNabb WITH the ACL injury, and fifth: Just Donovan McNabb's surgically repared ACL.

So what exactly happened here? How did a quarterback who has started only eight games in his entire career become voted onto the All-Star Team? Well, the answer is probably more obvious than you think:

For the first seven weeks of this season, it was my name on that ballot under "Dallas, QB."

After probably garnering enough votes to be named starting AFC Punter if I wanted to, I was benched as the result of a cruel anonymous practical joke. What resulted was Romo's name being placed over my own on the ballot box. Your scantron reader, probably an SC-2000 model (my brother-in-law sells these things to local schools) as a result has been reading every vote in the "Dallas-QB" slot as a vote for Romo when in fact, the majority of those votes belong to me: Drew Bledsoe.

So what do I expect? Nothing too radical.

I expect you, commissioner, to own up to the mistake. Take a look at your brother from another sport-mother David Stern and how he handled the New Ball incident. He admitted his mistake and listened to the voice of the players, reinstating the old leather ball.

My family already has their tickets to Honolulu for the weekend of February 10th as I purchase everybody a ticket during every pre-season. In an effort to get this whole ordeal over with, and to show how much of a team player I am, I am even willing to accept a reserve spot on the NFC roster.

I don't want a recount Mr. Commissioner. I believe the numbers are accurate. However, they are accurate in revealing people's confidence in myself, not in some Arena Bowl wannabee who's only got 34 quarters of NFL experience under his belt. I want an invitation Mr. Commissioner.

I think you'll make the right decision. Mainly because I know this is the holiday season, and you wouldn't want to lose a finger, or a family member, this close to Christmas, would you? Also, my lawyers have advised me to let you know that wasn't a threat, it was merely a rhetorical question.

All the best,
Drew Bledsoe

PS - Did you see that SNL Dick in a Box video? So good!

PPS - "It's My Dick-in-a-Box!" hahahaha.

Aye Carumba!

2006-12-19T00:42:00.000-06:00

Sit down my loyal readers.

I have some very serious insider information that many of you may not be aware of. This will come as a shock to you, as it did to me when I found out.

The starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys is NOT Tony Romo. In fact, his REAL name is Antonio Ramiro Romo!

That's right. Mr. ALL American isn't all American. He's partly Mexican!!!

Now before you guys send me any emails accusing me of being a racist, I want you to know that I have NO problems with Mexicans. Some of my BEST housekeepers are Mexican (or el Salvadorian or whatever) and I still keep talk to ex-Cowboys kicker Jose Cortez at least twice a month-- mostly due to misdials because he's in my cellphonebook sandwiched between my two friends John Conroy and Jove Channing.

This isn't a matter of Mexican vs. Not Mexican. This is a matter of trust and honesty. Simply put, Antonio Ramiro Romo is a dishonest, lying Mexican.

Like I said, I don't mind the Mexican part, I just mind being lied to. "I was born in San Diego and grew up in Wisconsin," he told me once. HA! Why didn't he tell me that his grandfather was actually born in Múzquiz, Coahuila, Mexico and emigrated San Antonio, Texas as an adolescent, only 43 years before Homo's birth? What's the matter ANTONIO? Hiding something!?

You know, I should have suspected something when Homo laughed off my obsession with Burgers. He probably just preferred Burritos or Nachos or Corn or something like that instead.

Frankly, I don't know what to believe anymore. One day he introduces himself as Tony, the next I'm reading on wikipedia that his real name is Antonio. Who knows, maybe Michael Irvin was right? Maybe somewhere down the line Homo's maternal relatives were hooking up with "slave brothers." Sure it sounded crazy at the time, but with all these new details surfacing, anything can be true!

So where does that leave us? Obviously we need a new quarterback, that's not even a question. You think the Broncos would have kept Elway if one day he came out of the closet and said "My real name is Marie Jacque Elwina. That's right. I am a frenchwoman." Hell no! And this is the SAME THING.

So Antonio is out, but who can replace him? Obviously we need somebody who is American through and through. Somebody who's name leaves no doubt that it is 100% Patriotic and Honest. Somebody with more career completions (3,839) than Mexican grandparents (0). I don't want to name names (mainly because I can't even pronounce Homo's real name anymore) so I'll leave it at that. Coach can decide who he wants to lead this team. Let me just say this:

Arivaderchi Antonio, hay un nuevo sherif en ciudad!

ps - In regards to the spitting incident, I told T.O. today that I wanted him to say it, not spray it because I wanted to the news and not the weather! I laughed and laughed and then panicked a little because I then realized that TO is my only source of weather information. I would walk up to him and ask him for tomorrows highs or lows and after my little stunt T.O. has only been giving me the news. I couldn't care less about some stupid braindead senator. I want to know % chance of percipitation! I had a good thing going and I messed it up.

Caption Crunch

2006-12-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

For the first time in a while, I found myself at home watching football on a Sunday in December.

There are many differences when you're watching football as opposed to playing it. For one, when you're at home in the comfort of your own living room, you can eat roughly 20 Burgers with all of your favorite condoments (BBQ sauce/Bacon/Salt). However, during a game you have to be sneaky about the 20 or so Burgers you eat. Maybe just go patty-only.

It's also weird watching professional quarterbacks play on television, and knowing that you are a better passer than they are -- but I'm sure anybody who caught a glimpse of Tim Rattay, David Carr, Chris Weinke, Derek Anderson, or Kyle Boller today knows exactly how that feels.

Speaking of normal, non-hall-of-famers, my friend sent me an email today with photos from today's NFL action attached. I guess he replaced the normal captions with fake captions. He told me my audience would get a kick out of them. I'm more of a Knock Knock joke kinda guy but I owe him one, so here you go. Maybe you'll understand them:

People don't realize that being a great quarterback means having a great sense of humor. That's why I can't wait for my Hall of Fame Inductation speech, which I will treat as a thirty minute stand up set.

I already have one bit planned out about an interrupting cow that knocks on somebody's door. I don't wanna give too much away so I'll just leave it at that.

I am not a Snitch

2006-12-16T13:50:00.000-06:00

Hey all. Greetings from Atlanta.

Firstly, I wanted to say thank you to everybody in Atlanta, the fans here have been so nice to me. They keep yelling stuff like "I wish you were starting tonight!" "Hey, Coach! Start Drew! Don't let Homo play tonight! Please!"

It's great that fans just want to see the greatest talent on the field, even if it means their team losing the most important game of the season.

One exceptionally generous fan said he'd pay $1,000 of his own money just to see me play against his beloved Falcons. You gotta admire that. How many Knicks fans in the 90's would pay that much just to see Jordan beat their favorite team?

As for my prediction: The Falcons are playing at home in a must-win environment so I'm going to say Falcons 55 - Cowboys 9.

Fortunately for all you Dallas natives, odds are none of you have the NFL Network so you won't even be allowed to watch this bloodbath.

Fun fact: After Homo loses tonight, he will be a mediocre 5-4 as a closer, and I will be 3-2.
(I don't count games you start, I count games you end, so that Giants loss in week 7 is on him.)

ps - The flight to Atlanta was short, but not short enough to prevent a great practical joke on Homo. I had unloaded about 40 packets of Sugar in the Raw into my pocket, waiting for Homo to order his drink so that I could "Sweetin' the Deal" The joke would work in two phases: 1) he would think his drink was extra sweet and thus poisoned and 2) he would get cavities.

Unfortunately, Romo never ordered a drink, so while we were getting off the plane I just poured the suger all over his shoes. Sucka!

pps - I know you guys are probably wondering, and the Burgers here in Atlanta are only "Pretty Good." I printed out the top fifty Burger places before I left (as I do in every city I go to) and so far I've only attended 43 of them, and their average rating is a meager 763/1,000.

Who Wears Sports Sports?

2006-12-15T00:38:00.000-06:00

Hey Guys.

I've gotten tons of email over the past few days. I suppose that's gonna happen when you're a triple threat (Football/Blog/Loving Burgers).

I just want to say that I can't respond to each one individually, but I DO READ THEM ALL!

In fact, some of you ask some pretty good questions and I've decided to answer them right here on my blog. I figure, why waste my answers on one adoring fan when there are millions of you out there who would (literally) die to hear what I have to say?

Ben from Los Angeles, California writes:
I've been reading a lot about Terrell Owens and how he thinks there is a snitch in the Cowboys locker room. Somebody who is constantly telling on T.O. to the media. I know you can't come out and name names, but any idea on who it is?

Hey Ben. Yeah, It's Tony Romo.

Trey from Colorado Springs, Colorado writes:
Hey Drew. You talk all the time about you being a "Future Hall of Fame" quarterback. How sure are you that you'll make it, and if you do, for what team will it be?

Trey. Am I sure I will make it to the Hall? Let me ask my 3,839 completions. Yup, they all say yes. Though you wouldn't be able to hear them over the din of 251 touchdown passes. Idiot. And as for what team? Ummm... Probably Green Bay Packers. I always liked the Packers and I'm a huge fan of Brett Favre.

Marla from Abiline, Texas writes:
Hey Drew! We're big fans of you here in Abiline! We all know the Cowboys would be better if Homo never got to start a game. But exactly how good do you think the Cowboys would be if you had started every game?

Hey Marla. First of all: no shit. I have 'big fans' in every city in Texas. Second of all we'd be 13-0 right now. Kind of a dumb question, but there's your answer, Marla.

Jared from Flaggstaff, Arizona writes:
Hey Drew. We love you here over in Arizona! Just wondering if you ever use any chat programs. I would love to talk to you sometimes!

Hey Jared. Actually my son, Stuart, recently introduced me to AOL Instant Messenger a couple weeks ago and I've been kind of addicted to it ever since. My screenname is "DrewBledsoeIsThe" because when I went to type "DrewBledsoeIsTheBestQBinTheWorld" it told me I only had 16 letters to work with. So yeah, if you want you can add me too your "buddy list" and say hi sometimes.

Trey from Colorado Springs, Colorado writes:
Hey Drew. Me again. Umm... You know you have to choose a team you played for when you make it to the Hall of Fame? You never really played for the Packers.

Jesus... okay, fine. I dunno. The Bills. There. Is that okay with you, COMMISSIONER!? What does it matter? Once you're in, you're in. Stop emailing me.

Droo from I dunno... Delaware or something writes:
Have you ever had a throwing contest with Homo? Who won?

Great question. Yes. I threw the ball for 67 yards and Homo threw it for 59! (69 yards minus a 10 yard foot fault penalty) I told him it's called a "Hail Mary" not a ... I forget what I said, but it rhymed and it was super funny.
----

All right, that's it from the mailbag. Remember, this weeks game is on Saturday night. I guess Homo was sick of losing on Sundays! Lol. (= laugh out loud). I'll be back tomorrow with my predictions.

Bad Feeling

2006-12-12T23:38:00.000-06:00

I knew today was going to be bad because I spent fifteen minutes shampooing my hair in the shower this morning before I realized I hadn't even turned the water on.

I even had the same typical bad dream that I always have when something is about to go wrong. (Stuck in a giant veggie burger. Have to eat myself out). I haven't had that dream since before our Week 7 game against the Giants...

So I rushed to Valley Ranch to talk to coach before practice even began. I tried to act cool and not get ahead of myself. Armed with a tape recorder and a sweet visor, I knocked on his office and the following conversation ensued:

Me: You... wanted to see me?

Coach: No I didn't.

Me: So what's the game plan.

Coach: The game plan?

Me: I need to know who my back up is, Romo or Maddox.

Coach: We haven't signed Maddox yet, we were just looking at him.

Me: Smart move. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Coach: I'm not sure what that means... in this context.

Me: You say tomato I say tomato.

Coach: That also makes no sense right now. Do you know what phrases mean?

Me: ...Some of them.

Coach: Listen. We weren't trying Maddox out to be your back up. We were trying him out to be Romo's.

Me: Excuse me?

Coach: Romo is still our guy.

Me: Right.

Coach: I'm serious.

Me: Haha, Me too.

Coach: No you're not. You're being sarcastic. I'm being dead serious.

Me: Gotcha.

Coach: No you don't.

Me: Oh my god. You're being serious.

Coach: Drew, Tony is 5-2 as our starting quarterback.

Me: 3-2 if you don't count Indy or the Giants.

Coach: We think we have a chance at the SuperBowl with Tony.

Me: Wow... and to think I made you one of my famous 5 pound Burgers.

Coach: You're still a valuable asset to this team.

Me: ...Well, technically I didn't make the Burger yet, but plans were in motion to kidnap the cow.

Coach: You are a great mentor to Tony, and we need you here.

Me: You know how much five pounds of beef will cost you at The Butcher Shop? $59. I was gonna charge you half that.

Coach: We got three games left, and hopefully four more after that. Can I count on you?

Me: I guess.

Coach: Thanks.

Me: You know me, Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Coach: You seriously have to start learning what these phrases mean.

---
And just like that, I was back at practice, backing up Homo. Still no word on Maddox, not that it matters.

There was one piece of good news today, though. After practice, when I went home, one of my fans (Miles from Houston) had sent me this: (click to play)

Nice pass you fucking loser! When Terry runs that out route, hit him in stride! Also you jump like a vegan girl.

Miles told me this was the most accurate pass he could make in the game with Romo in there. That he filled up over ten, 4 gig memory cards just to capture footage of Romo not throwing a pick.

In other news:

"[Madden '07] still the most realistic form of football on the market." -- 1up.com Video Game Blog.

So. I guess a bird in the hand does equal two in the bush.

We are a .500 team (The Past Two Weeks)

2006-12-11T21:53:00.000-06:00

Ketchup on Burgers, and Forward Pass Inceptions
AFL Mergers and Romo Interceptions,
Even more Burgers and Fries like Shoestrings,
These are a few of my favorite things!

Hey everybody. Ever just feel like singin'!?

Now, I'm sure y'all are expecting me to go on a little rant about Sunday Night's game. I bet you want me to talk about how Homo is finally playing as bad as everybody thought he would, and how when put up to the challenge, Homo buckled under the pressure like a fat pilgrim.

Hell, you probably want me to bring up statistics like 16 for 33, and two interceptions. But that's not what I'm about. I don't dwell on petty things like statistics, or the past... or two interceptions.

And there's literally no reason for me to even type "four rushes for one yard" so I'm not going to. (How does that work, by the way? Is it technically a "rush" if you're only moving forward 9 inches at a time? I mean, that's shorter than the length of his foot. I guess when they say he's a 'Mobile' quarterback they're referring to the city in Alabama in which he's going to have to take up substitute teaching? Anyway.)

I mean, if you want, you can read the box score, and yes, it will tell you that Romo's completion percentage was under 50% and that he threw more passes to the Saints (2) than to Julius and Marion combined (1) -- So I'm not even going to waste my time (and yours) writing about it.

And because I'm such a class act, I'm not even gonna call Romo's one touchdown pass to TO, "a fluke" because it's not something that the Associated Press hasn't said already! So please, stop expecting me to repeat myself! Let's just move on! Jeez!

I will say one thing about Sunday's game though: Sean Payton is an amazing and brilliant offensive mind. He knows talent. He understands how to utilize his teams resources. Simply put, he understands the game of football.

I just wish I could ask him: "Who would you start if you had Drew Bledsoe and Tony Romo on the same team?"

Actually, you know what? Sean Payton had to ask himself that every day last year as the assistant head coach and passing coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys, and you know what his answer was? ME!

That's right, this football genius, who could probably guide Drew Brees' birthmark to a 105.5 passer rating, had his choice all of last year between Homo and myself to guide his offense and he chose me.

And not only that, after taking the head coaching job at New Orleans he signed the only other Drew B. he knows to man his offense because "Why mess with success?" (Not a direct quote, but you get the picture)

Some more Analysis:

Not counting the Indy game (Fluke), or the Giants game (luck), Homo has lead the Cowboys to THREE victories against three teams with a combined 13-26 record (Panthers/Cardinals/Bucs).

13-26! If Homo and the Cowboys went 13-26 this season you know what people would say? Firstly, they'd be in shock because we'd have played 39 games -- or roughly two-and-a-half times the amount we were scheduled to play all season. And secondly they'd say: That's not a very good record at all.

And the most depressing thing is, against the Redskins, a divisional foe, and against the Saints, an actual NFC playoff contender, Homo choked like Latrell Sprewell at a PJ Carlesimo convention.

And then what does he tell the media?

"We just made some mistakes on things that we shouldn't have," Romo said. "We'll see what we're made of now."

First off, it's pretty sad that he's even talking like he's ever going to play another football game again in his life. After Sunday's performance, I don't even know if there is an Arena Football team in America who would give this guy a job -- and yes I even mean the Grand Rapids Rampage with their depleted passing game.

Secondly, how dare he sell my teammates short like that? "WE made some mistakes. WE'll see what WE're made of now" ??? No, Homo. We will not see. These other guys are proven winners with the right quarterback. How dare you lump them in the same boat as you?

Julius Jones did not throw two interceptions.

Patrick Crayton did not go 16-33.

Mike Vanderjagt did not rush for 1 yard on 4 carries. (Bad Example.)

You did this, Homo. These guys are like brothers to me. You? You're not even a cousin. You're barely even an aunt.

You've dug this hole. But I shall get us out of it. And if I can't, then Tommy Maddox will.

Worry not Cowboy fans. We have three weeks until the Playoffs. I'm going to do everything in my power to get us there with the best position possible and with the momentum we need to go all the way.

... Man I'm getting goosebumps that, up until this day, were reserved only for Don Cheadle commercials...

Goodbye my fans -- exciting times ahead.

ps - Short week coming up because of our game on Saturday night in Atlanta. I've already started brainstorming some airplane based jokes to make fun of Homo on our Thursday night flight. So far I have this gem:

Towards the end of the flight, I'm gonna say "DING! Ladies and Gentlemen, Homo has started his initial descent into mediocrity. At this time he asks that you put your tray table up, and your seat in its full upright and locked position."

I don't know how to pronounce "mediocrity" yet because my friend thought of the insult then emailed it to me, but as soon as I sound it out, Homo is going DOWN.

We Did It!

2006-12-10T10:34:00.000-06:00

This Post made it to Mosely's blog on Friday.

I think it's safe to say you, the greatest blog readers in the world, have inspired great change.

We are a little over a month away from MLK day here in America. There is no doubt in my mind that he would be proud of you all. And especially me. He loved a tight-ass spiral! Zip!

(For those confused about this post, just read the one below it.)

Thank you everybody! Gotta run, almost Game Time! (aka - LAME TIME!)

Update: The truth-bombs keep pouring in from devoted Homo haters! On Monday, Mosely admited to receiving over 150 emails from my beloved fans. Good work, America. Only 299,999,850 of you left -- I know you're reading this! We'll get my photo back atop that blog before you can say "16-of-33 for 249 yards, with two interceptions and a fluke touchdown to Terrell Owens -- Associated Press"

MY Readers Have Spoken!

2006-12-07T22:14:00.000-06:00

Hi.

I know you guys all take the time to come here every day because I'm hilarious, I'm entertaining, and I am extremely honest. And I appreciate that. I try to give you insight into my life as candidly as possible and as humorously as possible. And just like my football career, so far this blog has been a huge success. In other words, if there were a blogging hall of fame, no doubt I would be headed there as well.

However, I am writing this post as a VERY serious warning. There will be no jokes in this post, just very stern remarks about something so ridiculous, so disrespectful, it must be addressed. If you are looking to laugh, I suggest you turn on Sportscenter and listen to "analysts" debate whether or not Homo is good enough to make the ProBowl. (L.O.L.)

Okay here it is:

There is a blog out there, I'm sure some of you cowboys fans out there have already heard of it. It is called Matt Mosley's Cowboy Blog. Matt Mosley is a sports columnist for the Dallas Morning News, the main newspaper here in Dallas/Ft. Worthless, and he mainly covers the Cowboys.

I used to respect Mr. Mosley for using his blog to report the complete, and unbiased truth. But since Homo became starter, Mr. Mosely's Pro-Romo agenda has began to surface in a major way. Simply put: Mr. Mosley's Blog is Propaganda!

I won't even begin to bore you with how many of his pro-Romo (or Promo for short) opinions he presents as fact: "Romo had a solid game today" "Romo appears to be growing more confident in the pocket." "Romo has been named NFC Player of the Month."

Jesus Christ, the people come to your blog Mr. Mosley to read about the Dallas Cowboys, not some field goal holder who recently learned how to throw a football!

Why not tell them the whole truth? Like the fact that Romo appearing to be more confident means that he used to look like a nervous girl out there? Or that he only won that stupid award because everybody else in the NFC Had an off-month? I guess you don't wanna BLOG about that, huh Mr. Mosley?

Well, I've put up with this partisan bullshit for a while, but today was the last straw. Take a look at the header graphic from Mr. Mosley's Blog a couple days ago:

In case you can't tell, those three players up there are the big three: TO, Julius Jones and of course, Myself. Makes sense, right? Well take a look at the new header graphic Mr. Mosley put up there today:

If you can't see, Mr. Mosley had the gall to REMOVE me and insert that dumb non-Burger-eating hippy in my place! And if that wasn't bad enough, he's blamed the readers for this move!

"The readers have spoken: Bledsoe is out and Romo is in at the top of the blog."

The readers have spoken!? If you stopped blogging for 30 seconds and let the readers actually speak, the only thing they would have spoken is a resounding "GO FUCK YOURSELF Mr. Mosley!"

I mean, come on! What next?

"The Readers have spoken: Mt. Rushmore now features Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, and COUNT CHOCULA!"

"The Readers have spoken: the Mona Lisa now has a 1900 steel conglomerate tycoon mustache!"

"The Readers have spoken: The Bible is now called "Tony Homo's Diary"

Well Mr. Mosley, you haven't heard what MY READERS have spoken!

That is why I want each and every one of you to email Mr. Matt Mosley at his Dallas Morning News email address, and tell him exactly what's on your mind.

That's why I need all 7.6 million of you loyal readers to tell him that his blog is a joke, and that if the header doesn't get changed back to its original form featuring Drew Bledsoe, that you are going to quit reading his little columns FOREVER.

Then Mr. Mosley will have no choice but to go to his boss and say "I have some bad news sir. You know the 600,000 subscribers we have in circulation? Well they are all threatening to cancel... Plus seven million more."

Then his boss will say "I just hope you have LaDanian Tomlinson on your fantasy team, Mr. Mosley, because that would be about the only thing you have going for yourself right now. You're fired."

And Mosley will be like, "No sir. I traded LT after week 1 for Shaun Alexander, Carnell Williams and Randy Moss. It seemed like the right decision at the time."

And his boss will be like "Pack your desk and leave."

Oh, man. Mr. Mosley, you just made the worst non-fantasy decision of your young career.

Will you join me, friends?

ps - If you email something particularly biting, leave the email as a comment, I'd like to read them all and even display a couple good ones in a future post. We can make a difference. Join the Drew-volution.

pps - I put ground beef in Homo's cleats today.

Drew Bledsoe Power Rankings

2006-12-05T19:40:00.000-06:00

I have a secret.

Sometimes during team meetings, I like to sketch my name on the back of another team's jersey.

I imagine how good that team could be if I were their quarterback. If you sit down and think about it, I could probably lead 30 of the league's 32 teams to the Superbowl. And that's a conservative estimate. Realistically the number is probably closer to 31.5.

But exactly how good would these teams be if I were their quarterback? I sat down and really thought about it this afternoon and I came up with this: The Drew Bledsoe Power Rankings: Evaluating how every team in the NFL would be if I were their quarterback - in order of best to worst.

1) Chicago Bears: This one is a given. Bears are 10-2 and their quarterback actually makes Homo look like a decent option. All I need is a decent running back, some receivers, and a defense to keep the opposing team under the 44 points I plan on averaging. We all know how good the Bears defense is, Berrian and Mohammad are good enough, and nothing says decent running back quite like Thomas Jones. Bears with Bledsoe will look like an NFC ProBowl team. Simply Unstoppable.

2) San Diego Chargers: If you stop LT -- I'll light you up for 550 and six scores. If you stop me (Ha!) LT will run for 200 and three scores. We could have Homo playing linebacker for all I care, with weapons like myself and LT on offense, I can't possibly imagine a team that would hold us to less than... 74 points. I'll only join the Chargers under one condition: No more halfback passes by LT! The kid is stealing all my scores! Haha, just kidding LT you know I love you. Okay, scoot over Rivers, where do I sign?

3) Baltimore Ravens : Bledsoe/Heap would make the most lethal white and white tandem since Elway/McCaffrey. Though I don't see color. So don't refer to us as a white and white combo. That is racist. Flat out. And it has no place in our locker room. I'm serious. I would pass to Michael Clayton and Derrick Mason too. But they just don't get open! Okay!? Now you're putting words in my mouth!

4) Indianapolis Colts: The Colts probably have the second best QB in the league, so the improvement won't be very noticeable when they bring me in. But a slight improvement is the only thing the Colts would need to get them to the big game. And don't worry about me choking in the playoffs, I'm a proven winner: 3-3 in the postseason, and those three losses were not my fault. Football is a team game -- those wins are all me though.

5) Carolina Panthers: Keyshawn calls me once a month begging me to replace "Delhomo." I tell him, "Keyshawn, listen. It's 4am. Let's be reasonable here. There's a Chesterfield's in Hattiesberg Mississippi. It's about an equal 1,100 mile drive for you and me, and they make a Burger so mean, its worth the 2,200 round trip. Let's meet there in 16 hours and discuss this like men." By the time I usually get there Keyshawn hasn't left. Forget that, I'll eat his Burger and call it a day, I don't care

6) New England Patriots: Wow. Me. Coming back to New England. Replacing my old student. It's funny how everybody was so hot on Brady in 2003, but what has he done in the past four weeks? Looks like he's returning to earth and finally playing like the 6th rounder everybody expected him to be. I had a feeling it wouldn't last...

7) Denver Broncos: Gay Cutler, Gayke Plummer, Bradlee Van Gay... it doesn't matter who they bring in, and how you work the word gay into their name. This team will never be able to replace John Elway. Never ever ever ever ever! Unless of course, they sign me. Then I'll make Elway's two superbowl wins seem like a rebuilding phase.

8) Jacksonville Jaguars: Maurice Jones-Drew called me the other day. He said if I signed with the Jaguars this offseason, he'll change his name to Maurice Jones-Drew-Bledsoe. I told him, I said "Maurice. That's very nice of you. Thank you." He said, I swear on my life, he said, "You're welcome, Jesus." I'm like a Savior to these people. That's what you guys don't understand!

9) Seattle Seahawks: Finally a quarterback with a decent head of hair in Seattle. And I know what you guys are going to ask, and yes, I can throw a football so it gets lodged in between Shaun Alexander's two front teeth. I did it once at the skills challenge in Honolulu.

10) Cincinnati Bengals: Bledsoe and Ocho Cinco? Are you kidding me? I don't know Spanish so I'm not quite sure what Ocho Cinco means, but let me be the first to say "Yo Soy Hamburgesas!"

11) New York Jets: Let me just take a break from the regular commentary to say I just took an online quiz real quick, and my IQ was 185. I'm just paying the $399 right now to get the official results sent to me. Hold on a sec...

12) Kansas City Cheifs: Drew Bledsoe is EXACTLY what this team needs to forget about that Priest Holmes guy.

13) New Orleans Saints: Bledsoe/Bush/Colston - The Killer B's! Don't worry, I've already spoken with Marques about changing his last name. Nicknames like that are too hard to pass on. Besides, Bolston sounds kinda neat.

14) New York Giants: I wouldn't mind passing a few touchdowns to Plaxico every game. And that Brandon Jacobs guy looks like he can eat a mean Burger or two. In fact, in both our games against the Giants this year, I saw him gnawing on a cleat on the sidelines. One class act.

15) Philadelphia Eagles: Now, TO and I have had our differences, but he's never implied I'm anything but a 100% Burger eatin' man. I wish I could say the same for Jeff Garcia.

16) Miami Dolphins: I've been a firm believer that a team just needs a strong arm and a latin leg to reach the SuperBowl. Me and Olindo can bring to Miami what Dan Marino couldn't: Free Ace Ventura DVD's for every fan in the house!

17) Tennessee Titans: Vince Young has been getting the job done, but he's only getting older. Besides, I'd love to hit Frank Wycheck all night long with that sweet slant pass. Six in the bank.

18) Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers still have the championship defense that lead them to the Superbowl last year -- the only thing missing now is a Quarterback with a kidney, some teeth, and the common sense to wear a helmet even though he drives a Rav4: And that person is me.

19) Dallas Cowboys: How good do I think the Cowboys are? Let's just say, with me at quarterback, the only teams on earth that can stop us, are the fictional 18 teams I ranked above us, who have cloned me and have pitted me against myself. That is VERY high praise. Though the science is in place to make such an awesome playoffs occur. I just have to do more research.

20) Buffalo Bills: During my three years in Buffalo our record was 8-8, 6-10, than 9-7. If this pattern of losing two more games then winning three more than the previous season continued, the Bills would be reach the previously unattainable 19-0 by 2024. That's what I call The Bledsoe Effect.

21) San Francisco 49ers: I honestly don't know what the West Coast offense is -- I've admitted that before -- but I like what it sounds like. Does that make sense? It FEELS like something I could get on board with. That being said: Are the Niners a 15-1 football team with Drew Bledsoe? Probably not. But only because I don't forsee myself losing any games at all. 16-0 just feels more right.

22) Minnesota Vikings: Brad Johnson is old. Brad Johnson is slow, and Brad Johnson is a liability. Brad Johnson is everything I am not. Minnesota has a great defense, in which I can be held to 350/4tds and they would still come through for me. I respect that.

23) St. Louis Rams: You know that song that goes "Never made it as a wise man/ I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing/ Tired of living like a blind man/ I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling/And this is how you remind me/This is how you remind me/Of what I really am." It doesn't have much to do with the Rams, I just wanted to say how much I really love Nickelback.

24) Washington Redskins: I think in 50 years, when the smoke clears, and we can really step back and examine who the best wide receiver of all time was. I have no doubt in my mind that the answer will be, quite unanimously: Antwaan Randle El. This kid can flat out play. I like this team chances (with me as their QB) against any team in this league -- including NFL Europe, and ProBowl teams.

25) Cleveland Browns: Over the past five years this team has had five different quarterbacks lead their team in passing: Couch, Holcomb, Garcia, Dilfer, Frye. If they ever wanted to build a Mount Rushmore out of dogshit in Cleveland, these would be the five faces etched in feces. And if the Browns decide to sign me, I promise to sculpt the whole thing myself during halftime of the SuperBowl we'll be winning.

26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: You need two things to become a great quarterback: A good head of hair, and a spleen. Unfortunately right now, Bucs are shuffling between two quarterbacks who fall a little short in one category or the other. They need a nicely spleened man with hair that could support a beach umbrella. They need a hot Bledsoe injection, and they need it now.

27) Green Bay Packers: I respect Brett Favre, I really do. He's a great actor and I loved him in Something About Mary -- but the old man's lost it. Though, if I signed with Green Bay I would probably keep him around... I mean, he'd be great if the Packer Cheerleaders ever broke their T-Shirt cannon and needed somebody to blindly toss stuff around the stadium.

28) Arizona Cardinals: I would quit eating Burgers for a day for the opportunity to throw some balls to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. I crunched the numbers and...Frankly, the Cardinals are who I thought they were.

29) Houston Texans: I don't care what people say, I still think they shoulda taken me with the #1 pick last year.

30) Detroit Lions: Okay, we're starting to get into the territory of teams that I would mostly likely lead to the SuperBowl, but I may not actually WIN the big game. The thing with the Lions is, they want me more than I want them, because they know I'm the one person who can call up Barry Sanders, say "Let's Do This." and he'll come back out of retirement.

31) Atlanta Falcons: Listen, I can hit several Golden Retrievers with a football from 50 yards away, (and I have -- My Uncle really wanted to win this Dog Show one time) but if my receivers can't catch my perfect throws, they're worthless.

32) Oakland Raiders: Some teams are beyond help.

Never Fly in a Brainstorm

2006-12-04T23:40:00.000-06:00

Back from New York.

First off let me congratulate each and every TonyHomo.com reader.* You guys all outperformed Homo on Sunday. While you guys tied our field goal holder/quarterback for number of touchdowns thrown with ZERO, he actually threw two more picks than all y'all* making him less responsible for the Cowboys' victory than say, an average fan.

So let me be the first to say "Congratulations," because evidently, each one of you is going to the ProBowl!

That's pretty exciting, right? How does it feel? Take it from somebody who's been to the ProBowl more than a ninja turtle handfull, this is an honor. You guys will LOVE Hawaii.

Now who wants to phone Drew Brees and tell him that while his record setting pace for yardage is cute, people believe football's allstar game would rather feature a struggling rookie and roughly 150,000 blog readers? I would ask the media to do it, but these empty vacuous idoleters, who flock to Valley Ranch at the base of Mt. Sinai to worship this "Golden Boy" are unable to speak, for their mouths are so full with the metaphorical jizm that is Tony Romo's unparalleled ego, stroked and manifested into an allegorical goo, that the only words they can muster out of those tense, pursed lips are those of unfounded praise for America's new hero-of-the-week -- The Emporer of Professional Sports in New Clothes that thinly mask the all-too-visible insecurities and inexperience that will eventually lead to the downfall of one of the most respected organizations in organized athletics!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now. Onto more pressing matters.

I was able to spend the majority of our three hour flight from JFK to Dallas/FtWorth thinking of potential business ideas. Yes, I'm a multimillionaire now, but retirement is only 10-15 years away and I want to make sure I keep myself that way. Here are some sure-fire ideas that will easily net me anywhere in the 50-100 million dollar range (anually).

By reading this sentence you promise not to steal my ideas. Happy, Gary!? (Gary is my lawyer and he strongly advised me against giving away my multi million dollar secrets. You greedy, Jew bastard!) (Don't worry, Gary and I went to Jr. High together, I can tease him like that.)

Without futher ado: Drew Bledsoe's Brilliant Business Ideas

By the way, notice how that font up there is all slanty-like? That's italics! Bet you guy didn't know I was bilingual.

Business Idea #1: Fantasy Airlines.

You know how when you're taking a flight -- you usually get on board, and the pilot is just some random nobody whose job it is to fly a plane? Not with Fantasy Airlines!

Welcome to the only airline where the pilot is none other than yours truly: Future Hall of Fame Quarterback Drew Bledsoe!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride while I regail you with stories and statistics about my illustrious career.

I already thought of a sweet catch phrase: "*ding* You are now free to have me not be a boring normal nobody."

Business Idea #2: Burgers Shaped like Baked Lays in a Potato Chip Bag.

Oh wait, I almost forgot to mention the best part about Fantasy Airlines. Instead of peanuts, we have really tiny mini Burgers (patent pending) shaped like peanuts in a mini peanut bag.

Kay, business idea #2 is Burgers Shaped like Baked Lays in a Potato Chip Bag. Pretty self explanatory there. Just a best of both worlds situation.

Business Idea #3: A dictionary you can eat.

That one is probably my favorite, only because most people wouldn't think to invent it. It's kinda hard to explain but really revolutionary, right? Not a lot of people can imagine something like that. But then again not a lot of people have 251 NFL touchdowns, over 44,000 passing yards, four ProBowls and a SuperBowl ring.

Not bad for a Back Up quarterback, huh!?

Allright, I better go. Told the wife I'd pick up my baby girl from her first soccer practice, and that ended like, what, four hours ago? Haha, daddy's sorry sweetheart, but he just got very Justernicious today. What's that? You don't know what Justernicious means? Oh well, I guess you can't understand why daddy was now, four hours and one minute late in picking you up. Haha. Later guys.

PS - If you ever hear people saying that we won in "Dramatica" fashion this week, let me know, because I coined that phrase and I am going to get some major royalties. You can ask anybody on the second string that I said that word last week for the first time ever and people thought I was saying "Dracula" but I wasn't. Well one time I was talking about renting my favorite movie: Dracula: Dead and Loving it, but then another time I clearly remember saying "Dramatica." It was super clever and now everybody's stealing it, so let me know. Okay, now I really better go cuz I'm four hours and twenty minutes late and I'm starting to feel a little bad.

*Not talking to you, Rex.
** Still. Not you, Rex.

Leaving on a Private Jet Plane

2006-12-01T01:13:00.000-06:00

I gotta make this post quick because I have a flight to catch to New York, but my friend just sent me this video:

I guess YouTube is this site where people upload sweet video homages to popular athletes or something.

Anyway, I just wanted everybody to note that I was able to elude about 11 defenders on one play (six pump fakes!), and still find the open man for a score.

Yes, this was footage from a video game (maybe), but it was a video game that GamePro gave 9.5 out of 10 and referred to it as "The most realistic football game ever." But what would GamePro know about video games, right!?

Anyway, if anybody wants to record them playing a video game as Homo and getting sacked or throwing a bunch of picks and upload it to YouTube that would be awesome. Just leave the link in the comments and I'll post it on a future entry.

Once more people find out about this YouTube and realize its just filled with highlites of me -- and Homo sucking virtual ass -- coach will have no choice but to let me start. I just hope it happens before the playoffs because I'll need a week to shake the rust off.

PS - Today at practice I tied Homo's shoelaces together because I'm a pretty good practical joker. He just lifted his cleats up, acted pleasantly surprised, and threw them over his shoulder walking towards his car... In retrospect I shoulda tied them together while his shoes were still on or something. Whatever, it was still hilarious.

Mixed Feelings

2006-11-29T00:34:00.000-06:00

Hey gang.

The big story surrounding practice today was Michael Irvin's allegation that Tony Romo has some African-American lineage as evidenced by his mobility on the field.

"maybe his great, great, great, great Grandma ran over in the hood or something went down..."

Firstly, I just spoke to my publicist, and she and I agree that Michael Irvin's comments were out of line and racist. Period.

Secondly, I just wanted to clear some things up with you, my fans: My grandparents, their grandparents, or any ancestor in my family tree, never, ever, ever, ever, raped a slave. Guaranteed.

At most -- and we're talking absolute most, but probably never happened -- my great uncle once molested an endentured servant.

Kay. Just wanted to clear the air and pre-emptively squash any rumors that may be flying around about me. You know, when you complete 3,839 passes in your career, people talk.

If anybody out there works for a major television network, or newspaper, or local magazine, and wants to start a rumor about me... you better not! I'll be pissed! Go ahead and try it -- just see how angry I get!

Here, in fact, I'll give you some ideas just to get things rolling:

- I used to wet my bed until senior year of high school (Not true!)

- I got a 670 on my SAT's (Close, but no cigar!)

- One time I shoved my wife into the side of a gas pump for embarassing me in front of the kids. Dumb bitch thinks she knows math better than me??? (Complete fabrication! I love my wife!)

And if any of these wild alligations make it to the 3pm or 8pm Sportscenter: So be it!

Gosh I'm getting so angry just thinking about all this bad publicity. I better go relax and play some Madden '07 on the new PS3. My '96 Patriots team vs. Homo's Cowboys. It's gonna be a bloodbath. And not just because I play as Homo and run backwards for safeties on every play, but because teams rely on veteran leadership and experience to win the big game and Homo has none. (Though the -742 rushing yards doesn't help!)

Later skaters.

This isn't a Game.

2006-11-27T23:15:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody.

Sorry about the lack of posts recently, I guess I kinda needed to take a mental vacation from football, as well as from blogging. After last Thursday's debacle I decided to take some time to clear my head and get away from the game temporarily.

Plus, I promised my kid a PS3. I'm not sure if you guys know this, but promising your kid a PS3 before Christmas is pretty equivalent to promising your kid a unicorn at a reality festival.

These babies are hard to secure... and that's coming from me: A future hall of fame quarterback. I can't imagine how normal quarterbacks go about obtaining one of these. (Charlie Frye? Are you reading this?)

Here's just a summary of what I've had to go through:

Friday morning I got up extra early -- 2AM, and headed down to Best Buy assuming they'd have plenty of Playstations in stock. I mean, it's the most popular toy in America, why wouldn't they have it available, right? Would you believe the Best Buy wasn't even open!?

"Whatever," I thought. "I'm Drew F'ing Bledsoe. Best Buy is open when I say it's open!" And then for some stupid reason I said "8AM." Pretty counter-intuitive, but I had nothing to do for the next six hours.

Next thing I know I'm being woken up by a pre-pubescent store manager.

"No autographs!" I yell, as he lets me into the store. He offered me a dollar and a warm place to nap until the the weather got warm. I told him that wasn't necessary, I just wanted a Playstation 3, and I'd be on my way. He start cracking up and tried to explain between laughs that the Playstation 3 sold out in 11 minutes over ten days ago. I asked him when they'd be getting more and he told me to sign up for a three month waiting list.

Great. Now how are my children going to respect me?

I head over to about twelve more electronics stores and receive the same treatment. "We're sold out." "No Playstations until at least '07." "No I dont have any idea who I'm talking to." "I'm calling security." Same shit different store.

At about 4pm I just give up and decide to head into practice. I'm about six hours late but nobody cares anymore.

For some reason, when I get there, Homo was wearing a Santa's hat giving out presents to these inner city kids. Right as I'm about to yell something witty like "Nice try, retard. Christmas isn't for another four weeks. I hope you're not giving away calendars!" I notice that the toys he was giving away weren't toys at all. They were Playstation 3's!

I strapped on a hat and told Homo I would take it from here. I asked the remaining children what they really wanted for Christmas. Of course, they all said Playstation 3's so I had to act fast.

"Playstations rot your teeth. Here, take these candy apples instead," I said, throwing change at them.

They didn't buy it, but they were temporarily confused enough for me to nab the remaining PS3's and head home.

If you could only see the look on my boys' faces when they saw what their daddy did for them... It was then i realized that some things are more important than silly starting jobs, or inner city orphans. That's what the holidays and being a family is all about.

Suddenly I understood. Things are going to be all right.

PS - People have asked me to comment on Coach's decision to cut Mike Vanderjagt. Listen, in this league, if you don't produce, you dont play. Some people still don't understand that football is a business. If you can't help the team win football games you might as well not even be here. That's why l can't figure out for the life of me why Homo is still starting...

Turkey Burger

2006-11-24T13:43:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving?

Ha. No such thing.

Supply and The Man

2006-11-21T12:09:00.001-06:00

So. Short week this week because of our Thursday game against the Bucs. That means we had Monday practice, which is always horrible. Today, too. I just... I can't.

I haven't eaten anything in days, save for a couple Burgers last night and a few more this morning. My wife tried to cheer me up last night by playing my two favorite movies: "An edited compilation of my four playoff victories including the time I rescued the Pats after Brady went down" and "Evita." Nothing. I'm just... numb, ya know?

I get emails all the time asking me why there is only one Jersey of mine available on the Official Online Cowboys Pro Shop, and why that Jersey is the only one on sale ($69.99 vs. $99.99).

I took an economics course in college (B+) so I can explain this phenomenon pretty easily.

It is beneficial for the store to... put the best jersey's on sale at a lower price. Why? Because when an item is insanely popular, it makes sense to lower the price, so more people can buy it. Does that make sense? Like... it's hard to explain.

For example, my Jersey costs $69.99, Homo's jersey costs $99.99, that means, they are going to sell more of mine because I'm a better player. Does that make sense? It's hard to explain.

Umm... Okay. If there were two Burgers and one cost $11 and one cost $1.99 you assume the cheaper one is more delicious and good and thus you'll want to buy it. Except, that's not a good example because the $11 burger is probably better.

Okay. Oh. However! You wouldn't wanna buy that Burger, right? because its $11. So the same goes for jerseys I think. It's hard to explain. Hold on let me get my notes.

Kay. All right. The reason my Jersey costs $69.99 is because if they lower the cost, the quantity sold, will rise, right? Get that? That's pretty easy. And the reason they want to sell more of my jersey, is because, they are worth more. To them. Get it? It's hard to explain.

Like... If you have two lines and one is supply and the other is demand, the better things are usually cheaper. I guess I can't explain it better than that. You'll have to take my word for it.

And besides, that's not the only Jersey of mine on sale. You can get a customized authentic jersey for $89.99, and you can just order one that says Bledsoe! Sure, the Jersey # is 1, but you can easily add another 1 to that and then technically my Jersey costs $89.99 which is pretty much how much all the other ones cost. So I don't know what y'all are complaining about.

Does that make sense?

It's hard to explain.

I'm Okay.

2006-11-20T15:05:00.000-06:00

Hey guys.

Um, I'm not really sure what to say.

Thanks to everybody who's been sending me cards and calling me. These are tough times for myself and my family and we appreciate any good will we receive. I thank everybody who has put us in their thoughts and prayers today. I love you all. I really mean that.

Yesterday was devastating, but I know, that with your strength, and your courage, I will learn to carry on. I know that I will learn to depend on you, as you guys have depended on me for so many years. (3,839 completions. 251 career TDs.)

Last night, as I lay in my attic, distraught, alone, depressed, and bewildered, I found a sheet of paper. It was of a poem I wrote the day I signed with the Dallas Cowboys. I couldn't believe how much it spoke to me, and how well written it was. Sometimes I forget how good I am at other stuff, because I'm so good at football. (4,555 passing yards -- single season. That's about 3 miles.)

Obviously, I don't feel like blogging today, but I felt I had to say something. So as a token of my esteem and deep undying gratitude to you, my readers, I present to you my poem:

The Signal: By Drew Bledsoe:

Shock.
I got a new life...
You would hardly recognize me,
Im so glad.
How can a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother?
When you're not the one for me?
Is enough enough?

I saw the signal, and it opened up my eyes I saw the signal.
Life is demanding without understanding.
I saw the signal and it opened up my eyes I saw the signal
No ones gonna drag you up
To get into the light where you belong
But where do I belong?

Under the pale moon,
For so many years Ive wondered
Who you are.
How can a person like you bring me joy?
Under the pale moon
Where I see a lot of stars...
Is enough enough?

I saw the signal and it opened up my eyes I saw the signal
Life is demanding without understanding.
I saw the signal and it opened up my eyes I saw the signal.
No ones gonna drag you up
To get into the light where you belong
But where do I belong?

Thank you.

There's No Place Like Homo.

2006-11-18T02:18:00.000-06:00

Hey guys, I apologize in advance for the shortness of this post. I just got a new cell phone tonite and I just spent the last two hours on hold with technical support because I wanted to make my ringtone the sound of Homo throwing an interception.

They told me I couldn't do it, so I demanded the next best thing. They suggested "The Entertainer" which is catchy, but not even close to what I was going for. I would return the phone but it's got "Snake II" on it, which means its the kind where you can go through walls, and I'm not about to let that go.

Anyway, I'm beat. Burger then bed. Gnite everybody.

Bring Your Hall of Famer to Class Day.

2006-11-16T20:35:00.000-06:00

Today was "Occupation Day" at my son's elementary school and I had the honor of going to little Stuart's third grade class, along with five other proud fathers, to talk to the class about what we do. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty sure the standing ovation we got upon enterring was not for that real estate agent I walked in with, or that fireman, or the astronaut.

We started with a fun little jeopardy style trivia game, in which each father/son pairing was pinned up against the other. Stuart and I didn't get any questions correctly, though you could hardly blame us, because those questions were damn near impossible. One of them asked "What is the currency used in Japan?" I guessed incorrectly and the entire class laughed at me. Like they knew what it was! (Though in retrospect it was pretty dumb of me to guess Canadian Dollar. It's just the only non-american currency I know!)

Afterwards there was a Q and A session with all the kids -- which I found out meant Question and Answer. These kids asked some pretty intelligent questions but some of them, as cute as they were, didn't understand the game of football at all.

I got one question from a sweet little eight year old named Todd: "Do you think that Parcells made the right decision by changing quarterbacks, in that, he knew what kind of quarterback you were. You were good, but you weren't great. Do you think Parcells was justified in switching to an unproven Romo, because at least there was potential there. Potential to get back to the Superbowl which is always the #1 goal. And do you think after Romo's auspicious 2-1 start, that decision has since been justified?"

God bless that little idiots heart.

I explained to him that Homo was not a good quarterback and that it's fine to take risks, but at least take risks with me in the ball game. For example, keep me in there and tell me to launch bombs to T.O. all game long. I may only connect 5 out of 50 times but hey, that's 35 points. Now that's a risk that seems worth taking. Actually -- I was kinda kidding at the time, but this is starting to make sense. I'm gonna write that down and pitch it to coach. I wonder if that's what the "West Coast Offense" is? I always hear about it, but I'm never really sure what it means...

Anyway, the cutest question of the night came when some little girl asked how I got to be so big. I told her I could understand where she was coming from, her dad probably wasn't 6'5" 250 pounds, 2% body fat. She told me she didn't know how big her daddy was, and she never will... That damn near floored me I was so sad. So I let her touch my bicep while I flexed. That cheered me up.

That little orphan girl brought up a good point though, that I have yet to address in this blog: My nutrition. People look at my solid frame and probably assume it came naturally, and that's not the case. Without the workouts and training I've done since 7th grade I would probably be 5'6" 135 pounds.

Here is what I go through every day to maintain my physique:

6:00 AM: Wake up, already chewing on a Burger patty. I'm not quite sure how it got there, and frankly, I don't want to know.

6:00 - 6:30AM: Breakfast: Usually an egg burger with cheese. Or some sort of regular Burger but instead of the bun its just eggs or just Burgers, then a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, and a glass of Burgers.

6:30 to 9:30 AM: Naptime. Got to re-energize. Got to recharge the batteries. My body is a temple, and that temple is closed while the Wife dresses, feeds, packs lunches, and drives the kids to school.

9:30 AM to 10 AM: Drive to practice while doing crunches.

10:AM to 5 PM: Practice. Note: During practice I will not eat anything whatsoever, but drink over 24 liters of Xtremo Tropico Gatorade.

5PM - 9PM: Burger. Weights. Burger. Run. (alternate for four hours, or until you begin sweating grease.)

9PM-10PM: Dinner. Usually just a salad or something. Also, I'm obviously kidding, it will be a Burger.

10PM - 11PM Fire up the ole blogging machine, type away Pulitzer Prize worthy literary genius while my feet pantomime five and seven step drops.

11PM until sleep time: Watch game footage. Sometimes I'll watch our upcoming opponent but mostly it will be 1992 Apple Cup in which I lead the Washington State Cougers to a dominant 29 point third quarter to defeat the defending national champion Washington Huskies. I was on fire that game. And Homo was... twelve years old. So. I guess it makes sense that he's starting now?

God I can't get worked up about this. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

PS - Homo had a vegetable soup today for lunch, and a roll. Are you fucking kidding me!?

Book Review: Little T Learns to Share

2006-11-15T23:31:00.000-06:00

I realized halfway through practice today that I was passing to tackling dummies. I figured the receivers were just playing a trick on me by not catching any balls, and being shaped like bowling pins. Anyway, after about 2 hours of drills I realized I was by myself on some field somewhere. Since nobody really noticed me, I took off.

On my way home I stopped at the nearest Barnes and Noble to pick up a book about cattle, when I noticed T.O.'s new book "Little T Learns to Share." I decided to purchase it, and let me tell you, I was NOT disappointed.

I've read T.O.'s other books ("Catch This!" and the self titled "T.O.") but this one trumped them all. None of that "over-intelligent" words bullshit. This one was just sweet pictures, easy to read large text, and clear morals. It's a real page turner, and by the end, honest-to-god, I was crying. That's right, Future Hall of Fame quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, moved to tears. I can admit it.

I've decided to write a review of the book, and different lessons that Homo could take from this wonderful graphic novella. (Warning: This review contains spoilers. If you haven't read the book yet, I suggest you take this time to order the book from Amazon. Do NOT keep reading.)

The novella begins as the titular character "Little T" receives a brand new football as a gift from his proud mother and father. So happy with his brand new ball, Little T does not want to let anybody play with it. Chapter one ends with Little T playing ball by himself. (Note: There are no defined chapters, I just placed them there as I saw a break in the flow of action)

Moral: If you do well, you get a football. If you lose against the Washington Redskins, a team I beat 27-10, you get a loogie in your shoe. That's just how things work.

Chapter two begins with our protagonist "T" realizing he can't play football by himself. Ultimately, he decides to share the football with his friends. He has more fun playing with them, than he did playing by himself. He finally understands the value of sharing. Such a poignant moment.

Moral: Keep throwing into double coverage like that, and teams with decent secondary's will pick you off all day long. You think the Colts are gonna let you air out 30 yard wounded ducks to Crayton? You're in for a world of pain, Homo. A world of pain.

Chapter three is just an about the author, it talks about T.O. and stuff. No real moral there.

Anyway, I picked up an extra copy to give to Homo before Sunday's big game against Indy. I figure this will be his last game as starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and will have plenty of time to read it next week.

All right, I gotta go. I see my little kids eyeing the book, but I wanted to read it a couple times before I go to sleep. Children these days... no respect for their parents.

Leave the Poor Kid Alone!

2006-11-14T21:39:00.000-06:00

I'm hearing plenty of rumors every day about the Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo affair. And let me be the first to say, that these reports are untrue.

Actually, to be more precise, these reports are COMPLETELY untrue, and beyond the realm of possible. Absolutely 100% inplausable. I mean, one quick glance at the kid and you know that the allegations are udderly false. In fact, they are borderline insulting.

This reminds me of the time my down-syndrome cousin was feeling depressed, so my aunt and uncle kept asking him "Hey! Didn't I see you at the movies with Pam Anderson!?" except it didn't cheer him up. He felt their pity, and that guilt made him feel ugly. Uglier than he ever felt before.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, any retard can throw for 300 yards against the Cardinals' secondary. Just leave the poor kid alone!

ps - The Colts are favored by 1.5 points against us this week. So if anybody knows a bookie that will let me put up my entire Patriots contract on Indy (10 years, $103 million, no big deal) let me know. I've got four children I need to feed, and these Burgers don't buy themselves.

This Sucks.

2006-11-13T19:41:00.000-06:00

Wow, we beat Arizona! Guess what? So did the Raiders.

Wow, 300 yards and no interceptions against the Cardinals! Guess what? So did Alex Smith.

I guess we looked just as good as the Raiders lead by Alex Smith? Talk about "America's Team."

Anyway, the plane ride back sucked. I didn't feel like blogging much. I actually don't feel like blogging now. I just wanted to check in. I did draw this sweet picture of a Burger on the plane ride, while everybody else was asleep.

Managed to snap this camera phone picture of it:

That's a fifty footer, y'all.

I'm gonna cry.

Liveblogging at 40,000 feet

2006-11-10T23:45:00.000-06:00

I get pretty lonely on these flights, so I decided to borrow my sons laptop for this trip, so I can live-blog the entire flight from Dallas to Phoenix. The captain just said it’ll be a little over two hours – just plenty of time for Homo to embarrass himself, and me to blog about it.

Minute 8: Pilot says we’ve reached our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. I’m not pretty good at math, but that’s pretty close to my career yardage. I just yelled out “Good thing we’re not flying at Homo’s career yardage altitude! Otherwise we’d be hitting some Mountains on the way!” Nobody really heard me, I guess. Airplanes are pretty loud.

Minute 13: I just glanced over to Homo and he was perusing Skymall. He was eyeing Item 13357J: Shower Mirror with Clock. “Enjoy the best environment for the closest shave: a steamy shower and crystal-clear reflection.” He just told somebody he loves Skymall because most products are duty free if you order before landing. I wish I could free my Duty. In his cleats.

Meanwhile, there’s only one Skymall product for me, and that’s the World’s Largest Crossword Puzzle. Yup, every ride I check out item 66813J… “Holding the Guinness record for its size, this crossword hangs on a full 7 foot by 7 foot wall space and has 28,000 clues for every 91,000 squares…no repeats!” People don’t know this, but I’m a crossword puzzle guru. I’ve never completed one, because I usually get bored, but I can get 10-15 words off the bat easily. One day I’m gonna purchase this baby, and complete it, to cement my place in Canton. (The Pro Football Hall of Fame loves extra curriculars like these). Anyway, back to what’s important…

Minute 21: Homo just got up to stretch his legs. He’s just trying to rub in the fact that he’s playing tomorrow and I’m not. I didn’t want him to get away with it, so we had a little shouting match.

Me: Stretching the ole legs huh?
Homo: Yup.
Me: Gotta keep them fresh for tomorrow!
Homo: Ha, it’s not that, I just always get sore knees when –
Me: Yeah, not really interested.
Homo: Huh?
Me: I said I don’t give a shit, just sit down.
Homo: Okay... whatever.

Got him.

Minute 43: Homo is up again, this time to take a piss. I know that because when he walked by me I said “Number 1 or Number 2?” he said “Number 1.” And I said “Gross! Hey everybody, Romo’s about to take a dump!” Then he told me “Number 1 means piss, actually. I got up to pee.” I knew that, I just forgot. Doesn’t make him a better quarterback than me or whatever.

Minute 55: I took a seat next to Terry Glenn momentarily. Terry is our #2 receiver and was recently downgraded to doubtful for Sunday because of an issue with his knee. I asked him how he was feeling and he said, “Sore, man. Really sore.” I assured him, that if this “bone on bone” pain he was feeling -- if it was in anyway caused by Homo, that I would back Terry up if he went to tell Coach. I told him if he suspected ANY signs of foul play, that he should tell coach right away, and that I would corroborate any story. Terry looked at me very strangely as if he didn’t understand, but I winked. And I think that hammered the point home quite nicely.

Minute 71: Coach always says that a great quarterback can name every defensive lineman that he’s going to face. So I decided to embarrass Homo by asking him to name every D-Lineman on Arizona in front of Coach. I did, and I forget their names but he got them all. Coach looked at Homo and smiled “Good work, Tony.” That one sorta backfired a little.

Minute 86: I caught Homo napping, so I decided to have a little fun. I whipped out my sharpie (any future hall of famer always carries a sharpie, you never know when the next autograph request is going to come) and I sneaked up from behind Homo and was about to start drawing a Hitler mustache on him, when he slapped my wrist away. “Dude, what are you doing?!” Turns out he wasn’t napping, his eyelids just look closed from my angle. That idiot doesn’t even know how to look awake!

Minute 110: I spent the last 20 minutes eating a couple Burgers my wife packed for me. Just the patties, but they were delicious. I asked Homo where his Burgers were and he said something like “Actually, I can go two hours without eating, thanks.” People chuckled. Then I was like “Eating thanks? What’s eating thanks? I’ve never had Thanks. Is that something they serve in Hippy California? It sounds shitty.” Got him. Again.

Minute 117: Time to turn off any electronic devices and restore upright seating positions and trey tables to their locked positions. That’s right, we’re landing, which means its time for me to play ‘throw peanuts at Homo.’

This blog really helped pass the time, usually these flights are pretty awful. I guess its true what they say: Time flies when you’re flying time!

Haha. I’m glad smart people read my blog because I bet Homo wouldn’t have even gotten that joke.

PS – I forgot my prediction for Sunday. Arizona has the worst record in the league, so I’ll keep it a little closer this time. Cardinals 56 – Cowboys 21 (all field goals). Later skaters

4th and Infinity

2006-11-10T00:33:00.000-06:00

Sorry about not posting yesterday, but I came home from practice and was just physically and emotionally dead.

My wonderful wife cooked a wonderful dinner, and we ate it with my four wonderful children, yet all I wanted to do, was sit, stare, and wonder about why the hell I'm not a starting quarterback.

At one point, we were listening to Magic 95.5 FM, soft rock, less talk, get through your day, number one arbitron rated listen-at-work radio station and home of the famous 75 minute non stop music blocks, as we always do during dinner, and Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" came on.

It's melodic rhythms and sad tones just got to me as I began bawling over the delicious Burgers my wife prepared. One of my three sons asked his mommy why daddy was crying. Always the quick thinker, my wife made up some elaborate lie about Clapton's son dying when he was a little child, and that's what made me sad. The thought of losing one of my children.

The little bastard believed it.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be tragic losing one of my children, but I have four kids, and only one starting job. Do the math people.

Anyway, another week another Saturday flight. This one is to Arizona. Isn't it convenient how Homo was named starter right when our schedule called for back-to-back-to-back road games. I mean, anybody can win on the road, I'd like to see how this kid handles the pressure of performing in front of 65,000 fans hoping he fails.

You know, I used to look forward to these flights because I got to play little pranks on Homo, as he has a fear of flying. I would do little stuff like opening the emergency door during take off, or putting a drop of ear medicine into a sandwich I prepared for him. But recently, I don't even have the urge to mess with him anymore. Sure I'll still tamper with and disable smoke detectors in the lavatories and blame it on him, but even watching him pay that fine has lost most of its amusement.

Something is going to have to change soon. I can't do this much longer.

PS - I had that dream again last night. The one where I'm leading my team to victory in Superbowl XLVI. But this time, it was Superbowl HOMO. For some reason those Roman numerals made sense at the time. And instead of throwing a game winning touchdown, our team was only down 2, so we went for the field goal, and Homo was the place holder and our kicker (I only dream about Jose Cortez) took a huge swing with his leg and actually kicked Homo's head off through the uprights.

The refs were so impressed that they gave us 4 points. Then I argued with them saying they didn't have to cheat. I pleaded that we would have already won by one point fair and square if they had just given us three points like any normal field goal. The crowd was so unbelievably touched by my gesture that I was named MVP. Here's a question: If I sleep for more hours of the day than I'm awake, isn't it more important that my dreams are far more entertaining than my dismal reality? I need to go to bed.

Are You Shitting Me?

2006-11-07T23:10:00.000-06:00

Am I living in some sort of bizarro world? Honestly. I know it's not just me. I get people coming up to me on the street asking me why Homo is still starting. I get comments on this blog all the time that state I should be the starter. They say "Drew, you're the man!" Because everybody knows I am the man. They shout "Drew, how can you be the man this much?" and I have no response because I honestly don't know how I became this much of the man.

Then, today, I come into practice, and everybody is walking around like they didn't even watch Sunday's game! (Washington 22 - Dallas 19)

I got there real early so I could get a front row seat to Tuna's announcement that I was now the starting QB. Then I hear there is no announcement today. I was so confused. Isn't that something you declare formally? I mean, I hate Homo as much as the next guy, but you can't just make the switch at quarterback without telling the media. That's just borderline rude.

So I decide to go into coach's office before practice starts and hear the news from the man himself. If he's not going to make a public apology, at least he'll make one in private, right? So I turn on my tape recorder, because I know this conversation will make great fodder for the blog, and I record the following conversation.

The only problem was, when I went to upload it, it was very tough to understand, so I typed out this transcript:

Me: Hey, Coach, Can I come in?

Coach: Sure, Hey Drew. What's up.

Me: John told me there's no announcement today?

Coach: Announcement for what?

Me: For the quarterback position. You had one when you named Home-- Romo the starter.

Coach: There's no announcement.

Me: Okay so I'm just the starter? No media event? That's a little disappointing. Romo practically got a parade.

Coach: No Drew. There's no announcement because there's no change. Tony is still our starting Quarterback.

Me: (Chuckling)

Coach: I'm serious.

Me: Is he behind me? Or something? What's going on coach? You're acting weird.

Coach: Drew, Tony played very well. He had 284 yards, two touchdowns, and managed the game effectively.

Me: But we lost!

Coach: We lost on a fluke play.

Me: But we lost! Homo lost!

Coach: You're going to need to stop calling him that.

Me: I cannot fucking believe this! Did you know some blog voted me the all time best Dallas quarterback just the other day?!

Coach: What's a blog?

Me: This is not happening. This can't be real.

Coach: Drew. Why don't you take practice off today. You know the playbook. You need the rest.

Me: NO! I'm starting on Sunday. I need to practice.

Coach: Drew, you're not starting. take the day off. Go vote or something.

Me: Vote? For what?

Coach: Midterm elections are today, Drew. Don't you vote?

Me: No. I don't know what those are. I never vote.

Coach: Why not?

Me: I'm not referred, I don't know. Stop changing the subject.

Coach: Referred? You mean registered?

Me: Whatever. I can't believe this is happening.

Coach: You don't know what voting is, do you?

Me: Will you... stop talking about voting!? I don't even care!

Coach: Drew, do you know who our president is?

Me: George Bush, okay?

Coach: Vice President?

Me: I hate you.

Coach: If you can name our Vice President, I'll start you on Sunday.

Me: I don't... wanna start. Okay? I hate this.

Coach: Drew, I want you to take the day off.

Me: No!

Coach: I'm not asking you.

Me: Fine. Want a Burger?

Coach: It's 8:20 am.

Me: That's Burger time.

Coach: Just go.

Me: Burgers.

---
And that was that. I hit up Kincaid's in Cowtown for two old fashioned cheeseburgers and went home early. I was still pretty hungover so I needed the rest.

This sucks.

ps - By the way, Trent Green, I know you're reading this buddy. Buy GaymonHuard.com. Join the brotherhood...

pps - For your guys' information, I know that our Vice President is Richard Bruce "Dick" Cheney (born January 30, 1941) is the 46th and current Vice President of the United States, serving under President George W. Bush. Previously, he served as White House Chief of Staff, member of the U.S. House of Representatives from Wyoming, and Secretary of Defense. I'm not an idiot.

Celebrate Good Times, Come On.

2006-11-07T05:00:00.000-06:00

Ey everybody. Apologies in advance its now 455 am Dallas time and I am in no condition to be writing this blog... I find, in fact myself, a little bit, "incoroborated" if that's evena word. A little "drunk" as it were.

You see, after Homo's perfermence in sundays game against the skins, I knew the starting job was mine again (though no official word from coach yet...) so my old Jr. High boy's came down to texas to help me CELEBRATE,wallawalla washington style! That means Colt 45's and twinkies and doozle donuts which is just pouring kool-aid powder on glazed krispy kremes. I like the blues.

Ummm my last boy Cody just passed out right now on the guest room couch (i've got three guest rooms) and I decided to fire up the ole computer to dosome late night bloggin' cuz i haven't blogged today cuz the bbq started at 3 and the drinks started at 3:05. can that

Can that really be?? Hey guys, you know I shouldnt be drinking because I'm back to starting qb, so don't tell the dudes on the team. thank you so much. I owe you guys a solid for this, honestly. The feedback i've gotten from this thing is so valuable. I know i cant be a starting qb for much longer (seven... nine more years, tops) and my life as a proffesional author/essayist is is going having to begin sooner or later, and im gonna look back to this time in my life and say "YES. This is where it happened. This is where i was first recognized for being not only a future hall of fame passer, but a future hall of fame writer. and blogger." Kay fuck this sentimental bullshit, who wants a crepe? My wife made crepes. brb.

PS - I fucking hate TOny Homo. Can I just say that? Can i just be 100% honest with you guys? You readers are like, probably my best friends. And im not just blowing smoke up your ass if any of you wanna get Burgers, any time, any day I will come to your house and grill up some Burgers. I'm being so sseirous right now. I am. What...are your guys' thoughts on relish?

Hey. What else? Tomorrow is practice number one this week back as a starter, can we just agree that its weird? Its weird that Coach hasn't gone outright and said it? Is he dancing around the issue or what?! goddamn. I dont know if its an unspoken thing, or that he doesn't wanna affect romo by coming out and saying it? Because when you've been in the league as long as I have, you sorta just know these things. You know you're gonna start, and you know Homo sucks. I guess its just experience... Its weird though,r ight? its not just me?

All right i need to stop writing now bye.

ps - I think I'm going to make a customized "Homo" cowboys jersey and have it outsell actual Romo jerseys. Then i'll get the exact sales figures from corporate and pin them to homo's locker and be like " " i dunno, i'll be sarcastic and funny. Should be good.

I hate to say I told you so...

2006-11-06T05:07:00.000-06:00

You always hate it when your team loses. No question. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's just this indescribable heaviness that you feel, that you not only let the other 52 people in the lockerroom down, but millions of fans world-wide. It's just the absolute worst...

...that being said, I've never been so happy in my entire life! I told you guys we would suck! Yes, my prediction was 52-7 but a loss is a loss. Oh, man it feels so great to have people finally come to grips with how bad Homo is at quarterback. Sure, the bad news is, we lost the game, as I predicted. But the great news is, you are now reading the blog of STARTING quarterback Drew Bledsoe!

Coach hasn't made the official change yet, but it's pretty obvious it's coming. I mean, in this business, you have to show results, and when you're putting up losses against the lowly Redskins, that's just not gonna cut it. And I reminded Homo of that every time he came off the field I mouthed to him "this isn't gonna cut it." Whether or not he was looking at me was up to him.

Let's take a look at Homo's numbers, but remember, nothing is as important as that LOSS he put up: He had 12 incompletions (one during a two point conversion), sacked twice, and one rush for one yard. Let me repeat that: ONE RUSH, for ONE YARD. So I guess when people call him a "Mobile Quarterback" they just mean the city in Alabama where he's from?

Here are my numbers against Washington, in week 2: 19 completions, 237 yards, two touchdowns, and more importantly WE WON THE GAME!

Some great behind the scenes moments included Romo throwing his helmet to the floor in frustration after our second drive in which we amassed four yards of total offense. I said, "Hey, the endzone is that way, and that's a helmet, not a football. And you're supposed to spike it AFTER you score a touchdown! Homo." Nobody got it. But I thought it was pretty funny.

And then, after Homo's errant pass was actually hauled in by TO for a touchdown, Homo had the gall to celebrate. Running towards the sidelines with that big loser grin on his face. He went to high five me but I just ignored him and said "I don't wanna get shitty quarterback cooties." The look on his face woulda been priceless if he didnt just keep running past me and celebrated with the quarterback coach and our offensive line.

As Washington's winning field goal was kicked, and coach ran towards midfield to congratulate Joe Gibbs, I was sorta running after him yelling "I accept! I accept!" assuming he would turn around and offer me my starting job back, or at least the game ball. He didn't do either, which I thought was pretty thoughtful of him considering Homo was not too far away, and he may have heard us.

Today is Monday, and we don't have practice, but I think I'm gonna take the day to study tape of the Arizona Cardinals. Practice on Tuesday is gonna be great. I said it was fun practicing with the second team, but I was mostly lying to myself so I could keep from completely losing it.

It feels so good to be back.

PS - did anybody take my fantasy advice and start Washington's D? I bet you were sitting pretty with that nice Safety in the first quarter! Did you drop Homo yet?

Practice was Perfect!

2006-11-03T19:06:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody, I realize this blog has been a bit of a downer, and I apologize far that. It's only because I've been in a sour mood recently, and this blog is a reflection of that. I'm usually a pretty happy guy. However, today was our last practice this week before flying off to DC, and I have to admit, it was my favorite practice of the year. I'm im a good mood for the first time, in probably three weeks.

Ever since Homo stole the starting job from me, I've been practicing with the second squad down on the lower field, away from the starters and the media. Honestly, it was rough at first looking up there and seeing my real teammates, but I'm starting to get used to these new guys. Class acts like Miles Austin, and Sam Hurd. No multi-million dollar contracts (except for myself of course), just a bunch of guys willing to hustle, and stay awake during meetings. (I'm still allowed two 15 minute naps a week.)

Today we were just ripping Homo in practice. It was so awesome. I started impersonating a couple of his throws and then I ran around like a fairy, screaming like a little girl and started doing cartwheels for no reason. I was in the middle of a pantomimed tea party when they started really cracking up, and Sam said "He's lost his mind!" Finally, I understood what they were talking about... and they were right: Tony Romo is crazy! I finally felt like I was part of the team again. I tried to give one of them a hug, I forget his name, but he kinda pushed me away. Just like a real family...

After that, I got pretty excited and asked them to give me some embarassing stories about Homo, so that I could blog about it! They were all just acting dumb, like "What the hell is a blog?" Seriously, you guys have never seen a bunch of jokesters like this in your life. Truly MY kind of people! I know you guys are all reading this now, so "Hey Fella's! See ya Tomorrow :) "

All right, I'm gonna need to rest up and get on a flight tomorrow. I'm not sure what the internet situation will be like on the road, so I better make my Sunday predictions right now.

You hate to root against your own team, but as a realist I understand that a team cannot win without a quarterback. So, barring a miracle (Like Homo severely hurting his neck or something) I'm gonna say Washington 52 - Dallas 7.

I can already read the comments now, "Drew! I understand seven points offensively because you have an unathletic moron at quarterback, but 52 points for the 'Skins? Don't you respect your defense!?" But, I do! Where do you think those 7 points are going to come from? It ain't our offense, thats for sure.

What you guys probably dont understand is that we could have the best defense of all time but that won't mean anything. I mean, you can staple a football to a duck then slice its head off, it would have a better pocket presense than Homo. Come to think of it, that slippery son of a bitch would be pretty tough to sack also. I wonder if there's a rule against that...

Anyway, our defense is great but it needs some time off the field, and with Tony "Three and Out" Romo at the helm, that's not looking too promising.

On the plus side, I dropped Carolina Defense and picked up Washington Defense this week in my fantasy. Lookin' at a handful of picks, and a couple TD's on Sunday! And just as a rule of thumb, I highly suggest you fantasy owners just continuously drop and add defenses that are playing against us. At least until coach comes to his senses and starts me.

See ya, football fans!

PS - Oh, by the way, after practice I stole Chris Palmer's clipboard -- he's the QB Coach here. It said, and I quote "Romo: 2 Incompletions today." And that's WITHOUT a defense. You guys arent future hall of famers (like myself), so I'll dumb it down for you. Two incompletions in practice is roughly equivalent to going 9-39 with sixteen INT in an actual game. We are so screwed for Sunday...

PPS - This is just a note to myself, you guys don't need to read this part: "Drew -- Write treatment for movie script about a duck playing quarterback. Working title -- Personal Fowl"

My Open Letter to Byron Leftwich

2006-11-02T21:19:00.000-06:00

In case most of you don't follow other teams, another member of my quarterback fraternity went down this week. Byron Leftwich, starting quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars has been told he's being benched for back up David Garrard. Just typing that makes me want to puke. This epidemic is getting out of hand.

I know how Byron feels. I want to reach out to him the only way I know how: An open letter in my blog. I know Byron is an avid TonyHomo.com reader, he said so on ESPN news. So here it goes:

Dear Byron,

Feel like somebody just punched you in the stomach? I know how you feel man. One minute you're leading your team to victory, the next, they pull you for some no-name (clearly homosexual in my case) loser who has "better mobility," for no good reason. Your own wife can't even look at you, and you resort to cheating at Scrabble against your seven year old son just to win something again. "Yes, Johnny, 'Sambies' is a word. Daddy wouldn't lie to you. And that's triple word score, so go to bed, bitch."

We are starters, Byron. And we deserve to be starting.

I mean, we both lost to some pretty good teams early on, but who didn't?! That doesn't give them the reason to bench us! Hell, the Giants are great this year, and... Oh, man. You lost to the Texans!? By Twenty!? Jesus. We beat them by 28... I'm just sayin'

Actually, let me just pull up some stats from both of our games... I was 17-28, 168 yards passing, two scores and no picks. Solid outing. Then again, when am I not? You were 14-28 for 125 yards and no scores. Hm. That's actually pretty embarrassing, dude.

But you know what? No. That doesn't matter. We both deserve to be starting in this league. Yes, me moreso than you, but that doesn't take anything away from yourself! You're also pretty good at football. Just not enough to beat the Texans. Hey they're pretty good this year. That 2-5 record is ... deceiving.

I remember two years ago we owned this league. Defense feared us. Now? Well, they still fear me, but honestly, you've slipped a little. Jesus, did you really lose to the Texans? I need to double check that.

My god, 27-7... who are you, Daunte Culpepper? No! You two don't look alike, its just that you both lost to Houston. I wasn't implying that you all look alike! I'm sorry. You get what I'm saying. I mean, at least we know your whole ordeal isn't racially motivated...

Anyway, Byron, if you need a shoulder to lean on, you know how to reach me. And if you're looking to blog your anger away, let me just say, DavidGayRard.com? -- Still available.

Yours Truly,

Drew.

Mail Time

2006-10-31T22:00:00.000-06:00

At practice today I told Homo I would kick his ass at any event of the Quarterback Challenge on NFL Quarterback Club '96. Even the obstacle course and he could be Randall Cunningham. He was like "Drew, Come on, man. I'm trying to concentrate here." Goddammit this guy is such a pussy. How is he the starter!?

Anyway, I get a lot of letters from fans, so I spent the majority of the afternoon responding to each one. Then I realized a mailbag feature would be a great thing for this blog. Here are some exceptionally good questions I received, and my responses. (By the way, If you guys want to send me mail, just address it to Drew Bledsoe, USA, and it'll get to me. That's the type of respect I command from the US Postal Service -- no stamps needed.)

Paul from Ft. Worth, TX writes:
Hey, Drew. Big fan. Everybody here is shocked you are not starting. Romo is gonna crash and burn against Carolina and you'll be back in no time. My prediction: 0tds, 6 interceptions. Ft. Worth loves you, man!

My Response: Hey, Paul. I guess you wrote that before the Carolina game. Anyway, Where in Ft. Worth do you live? Maybe I can stop by. Grill up some Burgers. Think Romo wants to hang out with his fans? What do you like on your Burgers? Maybe we can hit up the Best Buy? I need a new VCR. Write me back. Like, today.

Maureen from Detroit, MI writes:
Drew. Did you play any sports other than Football? Did Tony Romo? Thus, who is the better athlete?

My Response: Great question Maureen. I was, in fact, a basketball All-American in High School. Homo, I believe said his second favorite sport is "the yo-yo." So I'm the better athlete.

Grayson from West Highlands, WVA writes:
Drew, we love you! What is your typical day like? How does *probably* a future hall-of-famer spend his waking hours?

My Response: Haha. *probably?* What's that about Grayson? You say you guys love me but not enough to know that I have 3,839 completions. 251 career TD's? Anyway, my typical day is waking up, making Homo look like a high functional autistic adult at practice, then in the afternoon just relax. This weekend I'm probably going to grill up some Burgers with some new pals. Go to Best Buy to buy some high end electronics. That kinda stuff. Thanks for writing Grayson, next time get your facts straight though.

Vance from Coronado, CA writes:
Drew. What's up with Homo?

My Response: I know, right? You like Burgers?

Anyway, time to take the kids trick or treating. And I think we have a house to egg...

Until tomorrow. Happy Halloween!

Happy Homoween

2006-10-31T01:01:00.000-06:00

My wife says this blog has become an "unhealthy obsession" for me, and that "I can't write about anything without putting him down."

Firstly, that's not true. I write about many things without relating them to Tony Romo.

Secondly, did you notice I have a wife, and Tony Homo has nobody? He's alone in life.

Anyway, no practice on Tuesday's so I spent the whole day relaxing with my wife/soulmate and the kids, then I keyed Homo's car. Oh, and this afternoon I crunched the numbers, and I figured out that if I were QB last week, we woulda won 43-3. Not bad for a SECOND STRINGER.

I fully expect to be named the starter this week, especially after listening to Coach Parcells' press conference today. Coach had some pretty choice words for Homo. (For those who don't know Bill Parcells as well as I do, I've provided you with translations to what he really meant.)

What he said:"I thought there were some good things there. He did buy himself some time from time to time and made some pretty good throws, couple of clutch throws that I thought were good."

What he meant: Homo showed some signs of competancy amidst a complete cluster-fuck of horrible decisions. Like a retard flinging his own poop towards a dart board, inevitably some feces will land on bullseye. This can be chalked up to absolute randomness and great receivers.

What he said: "His game management could use a little work but for the first time out in that kind of situation, I'd say I was generally satisfied with that."

What he meant: Homo blows.

What he said: "That ability is innate in the player. He has it."

What he meant: LOL to whoever keyed Homo's car in the shape of a stick figure peeing onto the door handle.

Coach loves a good prank. I'm still 40% certain this is an elaborate late April Fools' joke to convince Homo that he's better at quarterback than me.

All right, its getting late, I have to put the kids to sleep. For Halloween, Stuart is going to be his daddy, John and Henry are going as Michael Irvin and a Hooker, and my sweet daughter Healey Elizabeth wanted to dress up as something really scary... So I suggested Homo's QB rating our last four games! (84.9!) She didn't get that, because she's only four.

ps - Homo has no children. He's not even an uncle. He's not even friends with somebody who has kids and then allows those kids to call him "Uncle Tony." I asked. He said "No." Then he said "Hey, can you actually get outta the way bro, you're sorta in the pocket, I'm trying to practice a little more before we break for the day." In conclusion, I'm not your "Bro," asshole.

Beginners Luck

2006-10-30T03:51:00.000-06:00

First the facts:

We scored three RUSHING touchdowns, one passing touchdown, 3 PAT's and one two point conversion. We won by 21. So the final score without ANY quarterback would have been 27-14. Still seems like a victory to me. Weird.

Now the opinion: (hey, this is still a blog, not a science journal.)

Homo looked lost out there. 24-36, 270 yards, a touchdown and an interception never looked so bad. It's tough to explain because you guys aren't future hall of fame quarterbacks, but the footwork, the timing, the mechanics, were all completely intolerable, and I'm sure that's what Tuna is gonna tell him on Tuesday.

Some behind-the-scenes stuff:

You shoulda heard the guys just whalin' on Homo. Some choice lines.

Julius Jones: Hey, good work out there man. Lookin good! (Said obviously sarcastically.)

MBIII: Nice work Romo. (Though I swear he said Homo. Looks like somebody's been reading the ole' blog!)

Coach: Come on, we're playing well out there, but we need everybody to step up if we want a victory! (You mean you need everybody PLAYING to step up, right coach!? Hey take it easy on the guy, he's only 26!)

Fantasy Tip

To those Homo owners, I think it's time to hit the waiver wire. With Cowboy fans across the world calling for Homo's head I'll give you one guess who's probably starting next week. (And it ain't Quincy Carter!)

I suggest dropping him for a back up kicker (they often pull their hammies) or perhaps even a solid back up tight end (is Jake Klopfenstein available?) And do it before Tuesday, I want him to be owned in less then 10% of leagues so that I can point that out to Tuna on Tuesday. Okay? Promise to drop him? By reading this you are promising to drop him. Okay good, stop reading and go drop him. Seriously.

Have you dropped him yet?

Is it February Yet?

2006-10-27T15:15:00.000-05:00

Short practice today. Coach said if anybody didn't wanna be a Cowboy on Sunday, then they should just go home. I instantly sprinted to the parking lot.

I hear a lot of people comparing my present situation to the one in 2002, even so far as to compare Homo to Tom Brady. I know Tom Brady. I served with Tom Brady, I knew Tom Brady, Tom Brady was a friend of mine. Homo is no Tom Brady.

Let's compare:

Colleges:
Tom Brady: I dont know if you've heard of it. It's a little school called UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN!
Homo: I actually don't know if you've heard of it. Some lame ass Junior college or some shit.

Career:
Tom Brady: Three Superbowls. (Two if you count the one I spoonfed him.)
Homo: No superbowls. Not even one!

Romantically Linked to:
Tom Brady: Bridget Moynahan
Homo: Jeff Garcia.

Last Name Rhymes With:
Brady: Lady.
Homo: Homo.

I rest my case.

Anyway, I'm off to play Madden, sub in Homo, and keep running QB sneaks until he gets injured. When I see the look on that virtual Homo's face... Goddamn. I have to go.

PS - I took a dump under his locker.

Jerry Jones Wants Me to Start

2006-10-26T20:19:00.000-05:00

Woke Up. Practiced. Watched Homo suck it up. Spoke to the media. Came home. Whatever.

Oh, funny story: I jacked Mr. Starting Quarterback's iPod today. Every day after practice the starters stick around to talk to coach. For the first time this season, that didn't include me, so I took the opportunity to rummage through pretty boy's locker. Didn't find much, other than a new iPod Mini. So I took it and threw it in the trash. You shoulda seen the looks on all the guys' faces. I was like, their hero.

Marion Barber was all, "Drew, come on man, that ain't right." But deep down inside I know/hope he was cracking up.

Quincy Butler, was like, "Drew, come on. I'll drive you home, you've had a long week." I found that offensive and told him to mind his own fucking business. Then he took the iPod outta the trash. Whatever, his iPod is still gonna smell like garbage.

...though come to think of it, I may have thrown it into the fresh towels bin. Either way he was Punk'd with a capital missing E.

All right, I'm gonna go edit my Wikipedia page. Did you know that I was four units shy of earning a PhD in French? Suckers...

PS - Tony Romo is 3 inches shorter than me, and when I asked 10 girls at a bar after practice today who was better looking, only two of them said him. (Seven said me, and one politely ask that I let go of her.)

Here We Go Again...

2006-10-25T17:13:00.000-05:00

Well, by now you guys probably already know. Coach named his starter for Sunday at Carolina, and it's... Not me.

Am I surprised? Yes. Am I dissappointed? Yes. Do I wish Romo gets injured or anything? Absolutely.

Nothing too severe, just a torn MCL or ACL (but not both!). I'll even take a high ankle sprain. Torn rotator cuff... Severe concussion... I'm not being picky here. Strained calf, back spasms, I'll fucking take turf toe, I don't give a shit. What about that burst spleen thing? Is that common? You can't play without a spleen... That much I know...

Anyway. As reported, I am staying on as back up. I'm looking forward to wearing a headset on the sidelines, and flipping through those printed glossy black and white pages, showing them to Homo after each pick he throws.

"See that?" I'll say, "That's a defender. And that is the ball you threw into his hands. Generally you'll want to throw it to one of our players. But what do I know? 3,839 completions. 251 career TD's. They were all flukes." I'm sarcastic. That's something that doesn't come through in interviews. Now you guys know.

Anyway, I don't wanna dwell on football, this is my personal blog after all. So what else... what else... Oh yeah. I got a haircut today. That was cool. That's about it. Cool. Post again tomorrow after practice.

One other thing, according to ESPN Sportsnation polls, 47% of America thinks I should be the starter. I asked Coach if 147 million people can be wrong. He told me that figure only encapsulates the amount of people that voted, and not everybody in America. Then he asked me who the other 53% voted for. I told him "I dunno, Drew Hensen or some shit, I wasn't really paying attention."

Dick.

It Begins.

2006-10-24T19:11:00.000-05:00

I just can't shake the image of that play out of my minds eye.

I woke up this morning in the same bed I woke up yesterday morning. Same physical body, but mentally I am a completely different person. I am a back up. This feeling is oddly familiar.

6 AM, I need to sleep more. I Close my eyes. I take the snap. I see Terry (I call him Terry because we're teammates) make a quick out, running away from me. I can't stand it. I open my eyes. I can't sleep. I toss and turn. If only I can move this well in the pocket. Ha ha. I'm so self deprecating -- but in a good way. I need more rest. I close my eyes.

Terry opens his hands, I release the ball. Tight spiral. Touchdown. We're going into this half with a lead. But then out of nowhere... Sam Fucking Madison appears. I open my eyes. I wonder if Buffalo needs a QB. Losman? More like Lost-Man. Haha. Nice.

6:15 AM. I still can't sleep. You know, I told Jerry before the game. "Should we really paint the endzone the same shade of blue as the Giants uniforms? It can't seem like a good idea to camoflauge their defenders..." He told me not to worry about it. I wonder what that means...I close my eyes.

Sam Madison picks off my, otherwise flawless, pass, tip toes his way outta bounds. One foot in. Two feet in. Shit. Three feet in. Four. Okay stop showing off, dickface, I get it. Five Feet in. I wanna puke.

I don't remember much after that. I know there was a second half. I spent the majority of it sorta glazing off into outer space, mulling over the best way to write my first blog entry. I was a creative writing minor at Washington State, remember.

So this is it. My first of many blog entries. I think it'll keep me entertained and alive... I know I've got pretty much nothing else to live for. I hope you stick around.

Oh, and as for the name, TonyRomo.com was taken, so I just chose this one. Also, that faggot stole my starting job.

Welcome to TonyHomo.com

2006-10-24T18:51:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm Drew Bledsoe. This is my Blog.